


Will It Ever Be Okay?

by TobiasHankel



Series: Try again, Fail again. Fail better. [3]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Autistic Spencer Reid, BAMF Spencer Reid, Blow Jobs, Bottom Spencer Reid, Boys In Love, Consensual Sex, Depression, Eating Disorders, Healing, Hotch is the perfect boyfriend, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, Team as Family, Top Aaron Hotchner
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:54:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 51,382
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26028307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TobiasHankel/pseuds/TobiasHankel
Summary: After back to back trauma, Spencer Reid tries to get his life back together with the help of his boyfriend, Aaron Hotchner, and his friends. However, Spencer's bad luck seems never-ending. Will he ever be okay?Trigger Warning: Self-harm, Homophobia/Gay Slurs, Past Rape/Non-con, Eating Disorder (ARFID), Maybe more. Warnings will be listed in beginning notes if needed.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Series: Try again, Fail again. Fail better. [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1716058
Comments: 336
Kudos: 511





	1. One Step Closer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. I said one week but it's been a little more than two. Either way, here we go. This will be the last part of this series.  
> Trigger Warnings are in tags, I will note more if needed but if you guys have made it this far, you already know I love the dark topics.
> 
> Lovely [ssafaith](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssafaith/pseuds/ssafaith) created a [Spotify playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/790GvCizjjmWP5Fr7Cm8o2?si=5wkYRFMgR8SBKG7heL772g&nd=1) for this fic if you're interested :D 

“Uh.. Hi. My name is Spencer.”

_“Hi Spencer,”_ the room of men said back to him.

It was Reid’s first time trying to speak at his sexual assault support group for men. He started the support group a week after he got back home and been attending for three weeks now in silence. When he first returned home, he felt like a weight had been lifted off of his chest. Like he could finally have a normal relationship and life.

Then it hit him.

Reid was starting to pull away from everyone, even Hotch. He wasn’t wanting the team over, didn’t want to keep up conversations, and avoided Hotch’s touch on numerous occasions. More than once, Reid would just be sitting reading or writing, and he would burst into tears, for seemingly no reason. He was extremely depressed, not eating or sleeping, and not wanting to work on himself.

After the first time Hotch found Reid on their bathroom floor, covered in blood from his own self-destructive coping mechanism, he knew something more needed to be done. He started to become scared that Reid was going to kill himself. Hotch requested an extended medical leave for Reid for one month and Hotch was able to combine two weeks of leave with two weeks of vacation time in order to stay home with Reid throughout the month.

After sharing these concerns with Reid’s therapist, Dr. Winchester, she increased Reid’s medication and therapy sessions. She also gave Reid and Hotch a list of support groups, _Self-Harm Support, Child Abuse Victims Support, and Male Sexual Assault Victims Support,_ noting that he needed to start to attend one. Of course, Reid refused. That was until Hotch held his job over his head, stating that he would increase his medical leave to two months if he didn’t at least try.

That is how Spencer ended up sitting in a circle of chairs full of other men that had gone through similar situations as him. At first, Spencer hated the group. He went every session they had, which was three times a week. He thought it was pointless, that there was no way others would understand what he was going through when he barely understood himself. However, by the end of the first week, he was starting to find a small amount of comfort in hearing other’s stories and struggles. He wasn’t alone in his battle.

This Sunday afternoon session was the last one he was going to attend before he started work again Monday, so he figured he might as well try to say something as he might be on a case and not able to attend several meetings.

He sat in his chair in the circle, not too sure what to say. He fidgeted in his seat, tapping his foot, and playing with the buttons on his cardigan. “I—uhh…I don’t know what to say..”

“Say whatever you are comfortable with sharing,” The group leader, Tom, said with a kind smile. He was an older man with burn scars over most of his body, including parts of his face. He shared his story every time there was a new member in the group. His ex-boyfriend was abusive and one day after raping him until he passed out, he set the bed where Tom was laying on fire. Tom was able to wake up, jump in the bathtub, and turn the water on. The damage was done but he lived. Tom’s story and scars made Reid feel better about his own scars. He wasn’t the only one that wore their story on their skin. “Why don’t you start with why you are here?” Tom said after a minute of silence from Reid.

“Well.. I am technically here because my boss, who is also my boyfriend, said he was going to extend my medical leave a month if I didn’t try a support group..” Reid said plainly.

A young man that often went to the group spoke up, “Your boyfriend is your boss and he threatened you with your job? Are.. Are you safe, Spencer?”

Reid chuckled. He appreciated the concern, but he knew Hotch would never hurt him like that and if Reid really wanted he could go to Strauss himself. “Yes, sorry. That came off wrong. I work for… My job can be quite stressful, so he needs to make sure I am well enough to return.” Reid said, not wanting to give away too much information about his personal life.

“Good. Well, do you want to share why you are on medical leave?” Tom said.

“I was…” Reid paused, looking down at his dirty converse shoes, trying to gather his thoughts. “Did anyone here see the report about the Las Vegas Red Rock Canyon serial killer?”

This time a middle-aged man that only came Sundays spoke up, “Yeah. Some lawyer that had been raping and murdering kids for like 20 years. I read before he was caught he even kidnapped and raped his own— Oh…. Shit…. Sorry, man.”

Reid just nodded, still not looking up at the group. “He was my father.. about 36 days ago he kidnapped me and… hurt me… Just like how he did when I was a child…” Reid said, letting his words hang in the air. He didn’t directly say what happened, but he didn’t need too. The group understood. “He wasn’t the.. only man.. to do that… I tend to get kidnapped often it seems.” Reid said before pushing his cardigan sleeve up slightly and rubbing the handcuff scars that encircled his wrist. The room was silent. No one freaked out, no one doubted him or asked questions he was not comfortable with. It was nice. Just to be heard.

Reid couldn’t say anything else though. He was just glad he said something. He gave Tom a small nod and he said, “Thank you for sharing, Spencer. That was very brave of you. Who wants to go next?”

The rest of the meeting went as it always did. A few more men shared before Tom wrapped up the meeting by letting the group know that they were strong and worthy. He also informed them about several hotlines they could turn too if they needed additional support. The group started to break up, some men going straight to the parking lot, while others stood by the table at the end of the room getting more coffee or snacks, or talking with other members.

Reid didn’t get up right away, instead he checked his phone. The meeting had ended a few minutes early and Hotch hadn’t texted him saying he was there so Reid headed to the table to get some coffee. “Hey, Spencer.” Tom said as Reid walked up. “I am glad you shared some with us today.”

“Thank you.. I start work again tomorrow and I have to go out of town sometimes so I might miss a meeting or two.” Spencer said as he moved over and poured himself a to-go cup of coffee.

“Going back to work already?” Tom asked, looking concerned.

Spencer took a sip of his coffee, cringing at the bitter taste before putting it down and adding more sugar. “Yeah.. Well.. I still need to get final approval from the head of my department, but I already passed the psych eval. They have no reason not to approve my return.”

“Hmm.. I am not too sure about that.” Tom said, tapping the inside of his wrist.

_How the hell.._ Reid understood what he meant right away but didn’t want to admit it. “I am not sure what you mean..”

Tom sighed, “Spencer, I have been hosting this support group for years, I can see the signs of someone who is turning to.. Other forms of coping.” Reid went to speak but didn’t know what to say so he shut his mouth again, “It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it. Just be safe.” Something caught Tom’s eye behind Reid, so he turned around to see what it was.

It was Hotch walking into the room, looking around for Reid, who he spots right away, “Hey Spencer.” He said as he walked up the Reid and Tom. “Sorry to come in, my phone died on the way here and the car charger isn’t working.” Hotch said, making sure to not touch Reid. He wasn’t sure anymore how to touch Reid in ways that he was comfortable with. When Reid came home from Tobias, he was open to Hotch’s touch but now it was never clear. Sometimes Reid wanted to hold Hotch closely, kiss, and touch him in loving, non-sexual ways. Other times a simple hand on the shoulder was too much and he would flinch away. While it had improved over the past month, it was still difficult. He decided to just wait for Reid’s lead on how to touch him.

Reid smiled at Hotch and reached out to graze his hand, catching a few of his fingers with his own and holding them. “Aaron, this is Tom. The group’s leader. Tom, this is Aaron. My boyfriend.”

Tom gave a small wave, fully understanding how not everyone wants to shake hands or touch someone else. “Nice to meet you, Aaron.” Tom said before a different member calls his name from across the room, “I hope to you see at the next meeting, Spencer. Have a good night, gentlemen.” Tom said before walking away.

Reid slipped his fingers out of Hotch’s hand and instead looped his arm around his, hugging it slightly, “I talked today.” Reid said as the two men walked out to Hotch’s car.

“That’s great, baby. Did you find it helpful?” Hotch said, opening up Reid’s car door, waiting for him to get inside and shutting it behind him. It was a habit Hotch had picked up after driving Reid to countless support groups, therapists, and doctor’s appointments over the past month. At first, Reid complained, saying that he was a grown man that could open his own doors but then Reid started to love the simple act of support and love.

“I am not sure.” Reid said once Hotch got inside the car. “It was nice to be heard… Not that you don’t listen… It’s just…”

“They understand on a personal level,” Hotch said, finishing his sentence. “I get it, Spencer. That is the whole point of these groups.”

Reid reached over and turned the car radio on, noting that he didn’t want to talk anymore. He wasn’t upset at Hotch or anything. He just wasn’t as talkative as he used to be. Reid found himself turning on the radio or television more than ever just so he would not be left alone with his thoughts or feel the need to fill the silence with conversation.

Halfway through the drive home, Hotch noticed that Reid had fallen asleep on himself, which also was a common occurrence now. Reid was barely sleeping at night between his nightmares, unrealistic fear, and despite craving Hotch’s touch and comfort, not being able to always be touched without causing a panic attack.

Hotch switched the radio to something more soothing and took his time driving home. He even pulled through a drive-through and ordered fast food as quietly as possible to avoid waking the lithe genius. Some sleep was better than none. When he pulled into his assigned parking space next to Reid’s unused Volvo Amazon, he sat listening to the radio for an extra ten minutes before he woke Reid up.

“Hey, baby. We are home.” Hotch said, still not touching Reid.

“Mmm… Already?” Reid said rubbing one of his eyes with a balled-up fist, making Hotch smile. He got out of the car, food in hand, and went around to Reid’s side. He was already trying to drift back to sleep when Hotch opened up his door. “Ughh..” Reid groaned as he got out of the car, holding Hotch’s stretched out hand. Reid could be quite childish when he was sleepy, but he rarely let anyone see that side of him. Hotch was an exception to that rule.

He was the exception to most rules when it came to the young man. The rest of the team didn’t know the level of mental hardship Reid was going through. They didn’t know he lost even more weight, that he was going to support groups and his therapist so often, or that he was put on higher doses of medication. They didn’t even know his medical leave was extended due to his mental health. It wasn’t that Reid didn’t want them to know the truth, he just found it embarrassing.

The two men went upstairs to their shared apartment and got settled for the night. Hotch placed the food on the small kitchen table he had purchased with the sole intent of getting the two men to eat together, in hopes that it would encourage Reid to eat more, while Reid went to the bedroom and changed into his PJs. Hotch followed to do the same.

Sometimes Reid was comfortable changing in front of Hotch, other times he went to the restroom to change alone. Hotch changed in the restroom up until Reid noticed and told him that he had no problem with him changing near him or sleeping in his boxers for that matter. He wanted as much as possible to stay the same as it was before Las Vegas.

Hotch tried not to stare as Reid stripped off his shirt and pants. He discreetly eyed the young man, trying not to smile at the cute space-themed boxer briefs he was wearing. Hotch bought them for Reid just because he saw them on sale while he was shopping for more clothes for himself and he thought Reid might get a kick out of them. Turned out that Reid loved them, and Hotch loved the way they hugged his ass, so he bought more for him. Almost all of his underwear was replaced with cute patterned boxer briefs that Hotch had to really struggle not to stare at. He never thought that he would find another man’s ass this attractive, but he definitely did.

Reid pulled out a shirt, one of Hotch’s, and slipped it on before turning around and looking at Hotch, whose eyes darted up to Reid’s face. “I can feel your eyes on me, you know.” He said with a grin.

“Sorry.” Hotch quickly replied, blushing ever so slightly, which Reid loved. The fact that he could make the big, bad unit chief of the BAU blush like a schoolgirl was something that he treasured.

Reid stepped closer to his boyfriend, who was still standing near the door, and pulled him into a close hug. “Stop that. I told you I don’t mind you looking at me if I am out here.” Reid said into the crook of Hotch’s neck before pulling back and looking at his face. “I love you.”

Hotch smiled and said, “I love you too.” Before Reid moved one of his hands to cup Hotch’s jaw and kiss him gently. Hotch rested his hands on Reid’s hips, rubbing his thumb over slightly more prominent hip bones as the two kissed. Hotch always followed Reid’s lead when it came to intimate moments, even if they had yet to be more intimate then light kisses and roaming hands since they came back from Vegas.

Soon, Reid moved his hand off Hotch’s jaw and trailed it back behind his head, pulling him in further and deepening the kiss. Hotch let out an approving hum, which only egged Reid on. He opened his mouth a little more to welcome Hotch’s tongue. They eagerly mapped out the insides of each other’s mouths and Reid let out several light moans which shot straight to Hotch’s cock. He struggled to control himself as he knew he was starting to get hard and didn’t want to scare the young man.

Reid wasn’t worried though. He was feeling good. He had a great meeting, he starts work again tomorrow, he wasn’t going to let his fears get in the way of making out with his boyfriend. He ran one of his hands down Hotch’s back until he reached the hem of his shirt. He slowly moved his hand up the back of his shirt and dusted his fingers over his surprisingly soft skin.

Before they both knew it, Reid was tugging on Hotch’s shirt for him to take it off and Hotch happily complied. Reid ran his hands over every inch of Hotch’s chest and back as if he were trying to memorize the feeling. The two men continued their heated kiss as Hotch started to move his hands from Reid’s hips to waist, to around his back but stopping at Reid’s back dimples, as if he were for permission to go lower.

Reid understood the silent question and backed away from the kiss just enough to say, “I trust you.” Hotch smiled against his lips and ran his hands down Reid’s backside slowly before cupping his soft but tight ass and pulling him in even closer, causing Reid to let out a louder moan.

Hotch could no longer stop himself from getting an erection as Reid’s crotch was rubbing directly on his own. Having felt Hotch’s hardened groin, Reid started to grind his crotch forward into Hotch’s. They both continued to make out, rutting against each other like horny teenagers for several more minutes before Reid suddenly pulled away, causing Hotch to let go immediately.

Reid backed up, arms over his head in an X-shape, as if he were protecting himself against someone that wasn’t there. “No! Stop, please!”

Hotch threw his shirt back on, “Hey, baby. It’s okay. Look at me, please.”

Reid looked up threw his arms and then lowered them, “Damn… I am so sorry..” Reid said, trying to calm himself down.

“Don’t be sorry. I will never be mad about this, okay?” Hotch motioned to the bed and they both sat down, close but not touching. “Can you tell me what happened?”

Reid ran his hands over his bare, scarred thighs. He was still on edge and found himself wanting to pick at the healing cuts on his legs that he put there four days prior.

Per Dr. Winchester’s suggestion, Reid started to be completely transparent with Hotch. Telling him when he felt like cutting, when he did cut, when he was scared or feeling down and even when he was feeling good. Hotch had yet to betray his trust, and other than the one argument they had about Reid’s self-harm in the hotel bathroom in Las Vegas, he wasn’t angry or judgmental about his cutting. At the end of the day, it was Reid’s body to do with what he pleases. If he feels the need to cut it up, he is within his right to do so. Hotch always wondered if that was why he started cutting in the first place, to feel some sense of control over a body that was being used for someone else’s pleasure.

Hotch didn’t push the issue though. As long as Reid was willing to be open with him, he was glad to help. Even though he couldn’t always calm the monster in Reid’s head, helping him not turn to hurting himself just once was a win in his book.

After a moment to collect himself, Reid finally spoke up, “I—I don’t know.. It was great.. I was feeling safe and happy and surrounded by you… then he popped into my head. Suddenly it was him and I knew it wasn’t, but I needed it to stop!”

“Okay, okay. Good. I am glad you did what you needed.” Hotch smiled slightly, “I am proud of you.”

Reid sighed, “You are too good for me. Thank you, love..”

“No such thing. Now, I got us some food that is probably cold by now but that is why you invented the microwave.” Hotch said standing up and leaving Reid with a confused look on his face.

“I didn’t— The inventor of the microwave was Percy Spencer… Spencer… Ohh! How did you know that?” Reid stood up as well and followed Hotch to the kitchen.

“You know I do listen to you when you ramble on about things.” Hotch said, getting the forgotten bag of food from the table and throwing the whole thing in the microwave before Reid stopped him and pulled it back out. He separated the meals on two different plates and then put one plate in the microwave.

“But you remembered?” Reid asked once he turned the microwave on.

Hotch smiled again, “Do you really think I would forget you inventing the microwave? Not a chance.”

Reid laughed, music to Hotch’s ears. He missed that laugh. It doesn’t happen anywhere near the level it used too.

Hotch made cups of water while Reid finished heating up the food and placed the plates on the table. Hotch got a large burger with bacon and fries, and Reid got chicken nuggets and fries. Reid picked at his food in silence, something Hotch wasn’t sure if he would ever get used too. He missed hearing the young man’s voice drone on about things he barely understood, seeing his excitement when he spoke, and his hands move around to the words with spirit and whimsy.

Unexpectedly, Reid started crying. Several tears ran down his face on their own accord. Reid quickly wiped them but Hotch already saw, “Baby.. Are you okay?”

Reid looked as if he was having an internal struggle. Like he was battling a demon in his own mind.. And he was losing.

“Will… Will it ever be okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout-out to FoggyBlues, who gave me the idea that got this chapter rolling.  
> I am still a little lost on what I want to happen in this work so any ideas are welcome. Also, slow start as always.  
> Thanks! Remember to Kudos, Sub, and Comment! :D
> 
> PS. These chapter titles will be brought to you by Linkin Park songs, because why not? :D


	2. Somewhere I Belong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers: Suicidal ideation, mention of self-harm, torture, rape.. You know.. the same old shit XD

Hotch woke up Monday morning before Reid, which was a surprise to him. Today was their first day back at work since they got home from Las Vegas a little over a month ago. Hotch had to go in a few times for an hour or two but Morgan, for the most part, was overseeing the unit chief responsibilities. The temporary role was supposed to go to Rossi, but he declined, saying that he had a life and didn’t want to be doing paperwork at 7 pm on a Friday.

Hotch ran his hands through the sleeping genius’s short hair. He knew Reid still liked his long hair better and planned on growing it out but Hotch loved the short hair. The way it framed around his face and displayed his angled jaw and sharp cheekbones. It also didn’t cast a shadow on his face, so his eyes were brighter. His beautiful hazel irises and long eyelashes were easier to see. Hotch could stare at Reid’s heavenly face for hours on end.

As if on cue, Reid stretched and opened his eyes, jumping slightly at Hotch looking at him. “Oh.. Good morning, Aaron.”

Hotch chuckled slightly at Reid rubbing his eyes with his fists, “Good morning, baby. I am surprised you weren’t already up.” Hotch said as he scooted ever so slightly closer to Reid, who turned over and buried his face into Hotch’s chest.

“Seroquel,” Reid mumbled into Hotch’s chest.

Hotch soothed his hand over Reid’s golden-brown bed head, “You know I can’t hear you,” he said with a laugh.

Reid pulled back slightly from Hotch’s chest with a light groan, “Seroquel.. The sleep medicine I hate.. It’s hard to wake up from..” Reid said as he fought to open his eyes. When he couldn’t keep them open he pushed back into Hotch’s chest and mumbled, “Coffee..”

“Well, I understood that one,” Hotch laughed again. “And you know that medicine helps. You slept a whole eight hours with only two nightmares.”

“Oh, joy.. Medically induced slumber..” Reid said sarcastically as he rolled over, off Hotch, and pulled his blue, fluffy, weighted blanket over his head.

Hotch climbed out of bed to get ready and he tossed his pillow on to Reid, “Come on. We go back to work today, remember?”

Reid groaned. He was excited to go back to work, he just didn’t have the same level of joy over the things he loved as he used too.

When he finally sat up, Hotch was already dressed and putting his suit jacket on. “You know I can’t keep taking Seroquel now that I am going back to work,” Reid said.

He refused the sleep medicine often already as he didn’t like that it forced his body to sleep. He liked having the ability to wake up and be alert in a moment’s notice. The sleep medicine made him feel groggy and a little high. He felt a forced sense of calm, and he worried about becoming reliant on it. He had witnessed his mom become reliant on medication, and he didn’t want that for himself.

A pill to sleep, a pill to wake, a pill to not kill yourself, a pill to function as a person. They made a pill for everything nowadays and he didn’t want to be part of that cycle.

“We will have to talk to Dr. Winchester about it..” Hotch said. He had already thought about medicine changes when Reid returned to work and he knew Reid would have to switch to a lighter sleep medicine or forgo it altogether. “Come on and get up, we don’t have long, and you still need a shower.” Hotch reminded the young man, who was lazily peeling himself out of his drug-induced haze.

It was yet another thing that had changed since the two returned home. Reid used to shower religiously. At least once a day, normally in the morning so he didn’t have to worry about fixing his bedhead. He would brush his hair while it was still wet, and it would air dry on his commute to work. Which often left it looking a bit messy, but he didn’t mind as long as it was clean. But now, he dreaded showering. Hotch quickly learned that depression could turn even the strongest germaphobe into someone that just simply didn’t care. He found himself reminding his boyfriend to shower every morning and if he didn’t, Reid just wouldn’t shower.

Reid nodded, getting up and going to the bathroom. He turned on the water and got undressed, making sure not to look at his body in the mirror. He quickly showered and wrapped the towel around his waist before he looked at himself in the foggy mirror. His eyes wore dark, almost purple circles, despite having slept. While his face was no longer bruised, he still thought he looked like shit. He wanted to go to work, he wanted to help people, he wanted to get better, but his mind just wasn’t letting him.

He knew everything there was to know about depression. The chemical imbalance in the brain, the roles his amygdala, thalamus, and hippocampus played in it. The way his antidepressants boosted chemical messengers to his neurotransmitters to try and get his brain working again. The electrical and chemical signals, the neurons, the axon terminals, the dendrite, the synapse, everything that was going wrong with his brain to make it depressed, he knew.

But all of the knowledge in the world wasn’t going to help the fact that he felt like crawling back into bed and fading away into nothingness. That he wanted to rip his skin to shreds and watch the blood pour out of him. That no matter how hard he tried, he could still feel the hands of a dead man on him.. in him.

With that thought, Reid was digging through the cabinets and drawers for something to cut with. He knew he wouldn’t find anything. Hotch had long sense taken everything sharp out of the restroom. Even his shaving razor was replaced with an electrical one with rotating, basically nonexistent, blades. He knew he should stop trying to find something. He is a genius with intricate knowledge of the human body and what level of sharpness and pressure it takes to cut it open. He was bound to find something. He had before, he could again.

Reid stopped searching and sat down on the floor, taking a deep breath. He needed help and he was well aware of it. With little thought, he yelled out for Hotch, the only person he trusted to help him when he couldn’t help himself. “Aaron!”

Hotch got to the bathroom door in less than five seconds, coffee and breakfast forgotten in the kitchen. He opened up the door to find Reid sitting on the bathroom floor in a towel, surrounded in items from the bathroom cabinets. He quickly searched for any signs of blood or self-injury. When he couldn’t find any, he let go of a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Spence.. talk to me.” Hotch said, sitting himself down on the bathroom floor next to Reid, not caring about his work clothes.

“I need to cut.” Reid blurted out.

“Why? What is going on?” Hotch said calmly, he had been through this several times with Reid already.

Reid looked as if he were about to cry but he was refusing too. “I don’t know.. I—I should be happy! I am getting to go back to work! I love work… I know I do… But… I can’t seem to get happy about it. I just feel… Bad…”

 _Bad…_ Hotch knew that word well. Reid started frequently using that word to describe how he was feeling after what happened with his father. Hotch could still hear the words William hissed at Reid in his head, _‘You know you deserved what you got. You were always such a bad boy.’_

“You are not bad, Spencer. Not in the past and not now.” Hotch said in a soothing tone but Reid just wrapped his arms around his bare torso.

From where Hotch was sitting, he could see Reid’s back straight on. The lash marks that Hankel gave him were still as present as ever. Some marks were light white and others a bright rosy pink. They spoke of torture and strength. Hotch found a strange beauty in them.

The new addition to his back, however, just made Hotch angry. The ‘W’ in the middle of Reid’s back was a deep, dark shade of pink and it was raised slightly. It spoke of intense pain and forced submission.

Hotch forced himself to look away from Reid’s back. This wasn’t about how he felt, it was about Reid. Reid returning to work despite the fact that he clearly needed more time. He knew his extreme knowledge of psychology and a poker face that could convince even the best players were the only reasons he passed his evaluations. “You know.. You could file for longer medical leave. You were hurt in the field back to back. You deserve—” Hotch started before Reid cut him off.

“No.. I need to go. I know I will regret not going. I—I want to feel useful. Please… I just…” Reid’s words faded out and tears finally made their way to Reid’s cheeks.

Hotch knew that crying was a good thing. Reid often held his emotions in which didn’t help with his need to cut. It was still hard to watch though. “Can I hold you?”

Reid didn’t even answer, he just turned to Hotch and wrapped his arms around his waist, crying softly into his chest. Hotch gently ran his hands over the young man’s back and through his hair. The two were officially going to be late for their first day back but that didn’t matter.

Hotch held Reid for several more minutes, until his tears subsided, and he seemed calmer. Finally, he let go of Hotch and pulled back to look at him, “I am sorry.. I feel a little better now.. Thank you..”

“No problem, baby. I am happy to help. Come on, if you are sure you want to try and go to work today then we need to get you dressed.” Hotch said, standing up and Reid followed him into the bedroom.

Hotch went to their shared closet and pulled out a pair of dark gray slacks, a white button-up and one of Reid’s favorite sweater vests, a grayish-black oxford sweater vest. Reid sat on the bed with a sigh, pulling his weighted blanket off the bed and wrapping it around his bare shoulders. “You know I can pick my own clothes out, right?”

“I am well aware of that, Spencer. Just humor me.. We are about to return to work after spending almost every minute together for over a month. I will have to act like your boss, not your boyfriend.” Hotch said plainly as he tried to find a pair of matching socks in Reid’s mess of a sock drawer.

Reid frowned; he hadn’t put much thought into returning to work. He knew he had become pretty reliant on Hotch though.

“Okay, why do you not have a single pair of matching socks?” Hotch huffed, still digging through Reid’s drawer.

“I like them mismatched. It’s fun.”

Hotch grabbed one blue sock with bananas on it and one pink sock with strawberries on it and tossed them on the bed next to Reid, “Really? Aren’t these a bit.. girly?” Hotch purposely said in hopes to pull a rant about social norms or gender ideals from the young man but instead, he just shrugged.

“Well we can’t all wear black or charcoal-gray socks”

Hotch sighed, he found himself desperately hoping that his bubbly, bright Dr. Spencer Reid wasn’t left in Vegas with the ashes of his dead father. He loved Reid no matter what, but he wanted to see that innocent, sweet look in his eyes again.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid got dressed and the two men quickly had breakfast, grabbed to-go cups of coffee, and headed to work. They were about 30 minutes late but as long as they didn’t have a case already, then it shouldn’t be a problem. Hotch parked in his reserved spot and the two headed inside the building. Reid was fidgety and clearly nervous as they passed through security.

Once they got on to the empty elevator Hotch leaned a little closer to Reid, kissing him on the top of the head. “It will be okay. You can come to my office anytime and the team will be glad to see you. When is the last time you talked to them anyway?” After the first few days of being home, Reid refused to see anyone but the doctors he was forced to go too. Hotch tried many times to get him to just let one of them over but Reid said he didn’t want them to see him so depressed.

Reid sighed, “I texted Garcia almost a week ago… 7 days, 3 hours and 42 minutes ago.. She was worried and kept texting.. I have been a bad friend to them all.”

Hotch shook his head, “No, you have been taking time for yourself and there is nothing wrong with that. I have spoken to them all and they understand.”

“Thank you,” Reid said as the doors opened to the BAU, before he stepped out he said, “I love you, Aaron.” Leaving a smile on Hotch’s face.

Garcia, having gotten an alert from security that the two were on their way up, was waiting outside of the elevator doors, “Boy Genius!” She yelled, moving quickly to the lithe man for a hug. Reid let out a terrified shriek and almost fell backward to avoid being touched. He knew it was Garcia but his body was moving without the rational side of his brain having any input.

Hotch stepped between the two and Garcia backed up, “Oh God, I am so sorry! I didn’t think.. Are you okay?”

Reid stood wide-eyed, taking deep breaths to calm himself. “Yeah.. I—sorry..” Reid said with a shaky breath before looking around to see if anyone saw what happened. He relaxed slightly seeing that no one else was around the elevator.

“Garcia..” Hotch warned, giving her a glare.

“Right.. Well, I will be in my lair.. Nice to see you two again.” Garcia said, walking away before either one could say anything. Just leaving the sound of her heels clicking on the linoleum.

“You okay, Reid?” Hotch said, cringing slightly at having to use Reid’s last name now that they were at work.

Reid almost laughed, “Just fine, Hotch.”

The two made their way into the bullpen to see JJ leaning on Emily’s desk, both looking at their cell phones and talking quietly. Both of their heads shot up when they saw Reid and Hotch, “Hey, Spence. Hotch.” JJ said with a bright smile, but she didn’t move forward. Emily greeted the two as well, also not moving.

“I see Garcia texted everyone saying not to touch me, huh?” Reid said, catching them both off guard. JJ slipped her phone into her back pocket and Emily put hers in her desk. Making it clear that he was right.

“Looks like a month off didn’t affect your profiling skills,” Emily said with her typical smirk.

Reid smiled slightly and shrugged as he put his bag on his desk. He sat down and started to leaf through a case file that was on his desk but didn’t say anything.

Emily and JJ both gave a confused look at Hotch, who just shook his head, as if he were saying not to bring up his lack of conversation. “It’s nice to see you two.” Hotch said to the two women, “JJ, do we have a case?”

“Richmond City PD called about a case, but I am waiting for them to send the files over before we start,” JJ said.

Hotch nodded, “Good. Reid, you need to meet with Strauss before you start the case.” Reid put down the file, nodded, and got up, heading to her office without a word.

Once Reid was out of earshot, JJ spoke up, “Is he okay? I have never seen him so.. quiet.”

Hotch sighed, “He is struggling.”

“Why is he back to work then?” Emily asked bluntly.

“Because he has passed all of his evaluations and his work in the FBI is invaluable.. I have already emailed Strauss about his return, but she said she would see for herself.. Just like when he returned from Hankel, it’s out of my hands. Just.. be careful with him, okay?” Hotch said before regaining his stern expression and leaving for his office.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid knocked on Strauss’s office door even though he was dreading having to speak to the woman. He was definitely not her number one fan. “Agent Reid, come in.” He heard Strauss said through the cracked door.

“Good morning, Strauss,” Reid said, sitting down in a chair in front of her desk.

Strauss was flipping through her stack of folders, finally stopping at one and pulling it out. She started to look through it before asking, “So, how have you been? Do you believe you are ready to return to work?”

“I have been well, and I am more than ready to return,” Reid lied with ease.

“Hmm.. You passed your evaluations but.. are you sure you are ready to return? I read the reports.. About your father—”

Reid cut Strauss off, “He was a sick man that is now dead. I do not want to linger in the past.”

Strauss scowled at being interrupted but she remained calm, “Spencer, what you went through couldn’t have been easy. A month is hardly enough time to deal with something as large as..” Her words died out; she didn’t want to say what happened. Reid, on the other hand, was annoyed by her feign attempt at caring. He knew Strauss only seemed to care because she could see parallels between her own son and himself.

“Something as large as being raped, yet again, by a serial killer that just happened to be my father? Yeah, not a walk in the park.” Reid said with a hint of attitude. “I was able to get past the trauma he gave me as a child, raise myself and my ill mother after he left and still got three doctorates and become the youngest person to ever join the BAU.. My apologies for being curt but I do not want to dwell on this. I want to move forward; I belong here.” Reid said. He knew what he was saying was true. He could get past this, he had done it before, but belief and reality were two very different things.

Strauss nodded her head, “Very well.” She pulled a few pieces of paper out of her folder, just like last time he came off leave, for him to sign.

Reid was shocked that Strauss didn’t fight the issue, didn’t get the last word in. He signed the paperwork and stood up, “Thank you, ma’am.” He said, giving her a small smile before heading out the door.

He headed straight for Hotch’s office to tell him he was officially allowed back to work but when he reached the open door he was met with Hotch and Morgan bickering over the amount of paperwork Morgan didn’t finish and Rossi sitting on the sofa, enjoying the drama.

Rossi noticed Reid first, “Ahh, Spencer. It is nice to see you again.” Rossi said from his spot on the sofa.

Morgan looked over, forgetting his argument with Hotch, “Kid. I missed you, man.” Morgan stood up from Hotch’s desk chair but didn’t get closer. “How are you doing?”

“I am fine.. Sorry I didn’t see you guys during my leave.” Reid said, looking at Morgan, then over at Rossi.

“Nah, kid. It’s fine. You were just doing what you needed, and we get it.” Morgan said and Rossi nodded.

Before Reid could answer, JJ knocked on the open door, “Looks like I am missing the party,” She chuckled at her own joke before saying, “We have a case.”

The four men followed behind JJ to the conference room, all finding seats around the round table where Emily and Garcia were already sitting. Reid sat next to Hotch near the top of the table.

JJ started to pass out case files as Hotch looked over at Reid, “I take it Strauss approved you?”

Reid picked up the case file and started to flip through it, “Yeah, she—” Reid froze, looking at the crime scene photos of the latest murder.

“Reid?” Hotch asked

Reid pulled out the photo he was staring at and put it down in front of Hotch, who looked a little surprised, “It’s Tom..”

“Tom?” Emily asked from across the table.

“Yeah.. My… The leader of the sexual assault support group for men I attend.. He is the murder victim..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave kudos, subs, and comments :D
> 
> Side note: There is nothing wrong with taking medicine regularly. You do what you need to do to stay healthy and safe.
> 
> Side Side note: Sooo some people aren't too happy with Reid having to go through something else and that is fine. I just want to say that recovery isn't easy and it cannot be done under a rock, shielded from all traumas. He is an FBI agent with a hard job. This fic will have a happy ending and it will focus on Hotch and Reid's relationship but his recovery isn't going to be simple. I truly hope everyone is okay with this.


	3. Crawling

“Reid?” Hotch asked

Reid pulled out the photo he was staring at and put it down in front of Hotch, who looked a little surprised, “It’s Tom..”

“Tom?” Emily asked from across the table.

“Yeah.. My… The leader of the sexual assault support group for men I attend.. He is one of the murder victims..” Reid said, looking down at the table, avoiding everyone’s gaze. He knew he had no reason to be embarrassed about going to a support group, but he could feel everyone’s eyes on him, and it made him anxious.

He continued to stare at the photo of Tom while the room was held in an awkward silence. For some reason, he felt like crying. He barely knew Tom, mostly only knew him from the stories he told in the group, but his heart hurt for him. He had gone through so much and was finally in a better place in his life, just to have it taken from him.

Reid unconsciously scratched at his thighs and the action wasn’t missed by the group of profilers.

“Reid,” Hotch started before anyone else had a chance, “Let’s step outside for a moment.”

“I am fine, I—” Reid started but Hotch cut him off, already standing up.

“Reid.” He said giving a light glare. He was not being as strict as he would have been with other members of the team, but his tone of voice and glare left no room for arguments.

Reid sighed but got up and went out the door with Hotch, following him into his office.

Once Hotch shut the door, his face softened. “Spencer... Are you okay?”

“Yeah… I mean, it’s sad. I am upset he was killed but I honestly didn’t know him that well…”

Hotch purposely looked down at Reid’s thighs, that he was still scratching at, before looking Reid back in the eyes. “You don’t seem fine..”

Reid quickly moved his hands off his thighs and wrapped his arms around his waist, “Sorry… I am fine… I will be fine. I just.. I didn’t expect this today.”

Hotch stepped a little closer, “I know, baby.”

Tears started to fall down Reid’s cheeks and Reid roughly rubbed them off, “Damnit.. I hate this!” He said in frustration. “I just want to be normal again! I am sick of this!” He said before closing the gap between Hotch and himself. He threw his arms around him and cried softly into the crook of his neck.

Hotch held him and soothed over his back for a few minutes until he stopped crying and pulled back. “It’s okay, there is nothing wrong with how you are acting. Your friend was just murdered.. I will go tell the team I am taking you home—” Hotch said but Reid cut him off.

“No! I am not going home. I can still work this case.”

Hotch shook his head, “Spencer.. Your first case back can’t be one where you knew the victim. That will be too hard on you.”

Reid sighed, “Aaron, please. Going home would do no good. I can at least help with the case as I know details that he most likely didn’t share with many others.”

Hotch stepped back and looked at his boyfriend carefully. _If I send Spencer home, he would be alone and probably stressing out about the case.. If I keep him here, then he would have to work on a case that might be triggering for him.. but at least I get to keep an eye on him if he is here…_ Hotch thought before sighing, “Fine. You can stay and work on the case, but I reserve the right to make you sit out at any time for any reason. Come on.”

Reid followed Hotch out the door and back to the conference room. The rest of the BAU team watched the two men walk back into the room and get back to their seats, paying more attention to Reid. His face was flushed red and his eyes were still watery. It was clear that he had been crying.

Everyone tried not to look, knowing he wouldn’t want the extra attention, but Garcia couldn’t help but ask, “Reid, honey? Are you okay?”

Reid nodded, “I am fine. Can we continue?”

JJ looked over at Hotch, who gave her a nod before she started. She clicked a button on her remote, bringing up four portrait type photos of four different men. “Over the past month, four men have been found murdered on either Sunday night or Monday morning around the Richmond City Area. Benjamin Clark, Wallace Carroll, Jared Jackson…” JJ stopped for a moment, stealing a gaze at Reid who was nose deep in the case file, “and Thomas Campbell..”

JJ clicked on the remote again, causing images of the dead bodies to show on the screen. “All victims were white men, ranging from mid-20’s to late 40’s, and all victims had their throat slashed with a red cloth shoved in their mouth,” JJ said before clicking the button again. This time it was just an image of Tom laying in an alley, covered in blood. His dead eyes were wide open.

Reid looked up when JJ paused what she was saying. Despondency was clear on his face before he swallowed it back down and looked away. JJ kept going, “Thomas was the last victim. Time of death was approximately 8 pm Sunday.”

Hotch and Reid shared a look. “That was only an hour after we saw him..” Reid said woefully.

Rossi looked up from his file, “You two saw the last victim just last night?”

Reid nodded, “Yeah.. I went to the.. meeting last night and Tom was running it, like always. Ar—Hotch saw him when he went to pick me up.”

“Did he sound worried or upset by anything? Was anyone hanging around him or looking out of place?” Rossi asked.

Reid thought for a moment before shaking his head, “No. He… uhh,” Reid stopped, he didn’t want to talk about his meeting but the want to help find who murdered his friend was stronger. He took a deep breath and continued, “He spoke as he typically did in the meeting, but he came up to me afterward to say he was happy I shared… I had spoken with him before but it’s always just small talk—”

“And this time?” Emily interjected.

“Uhh.. Same mostly.. He told me he didn’t think I should go back to work, hinting that I should extend my medical leave again.” Reid said with little thought, but the team didn’t miss his word choice.

“Again?” JJ blurted out and Hotch quickly shot her a look to stop talking. The team didn’t know that Reid’s medical leave was extended due to his mental health. They were told that Strauss just changed her mind and added a month to his one week of leave. The truth was Strauss wanted him back as soon as possible. Hotch, after seeing how depressed the young man had gotten, had to force the medical leave passed Strauss.

Reid took a nervous breath and kept going, “Yeah.. Umm.. Then Aaron came inside to get me, and a different member of the support group called Tom over, so we parted ways.

“Do you know who the other person was?” Morgan asked and Reid shook his head no, he wasn’t paying much attention to the rest of the room once Hotch arrived.

Attention turned off of Reid and back to JJ as she discussed the other three victims, which Reid was thankful for. He was still awkwardly fidgeting in his seat, fighting the urge to scratch at his arms or thighs.

JJ went on to say how the other three victims were found in similar areas, empty parking lots or alleys. They seemed to have been blitz attacked and killed right away.

Once JJ was done with her presentation, Hotch spoke up, “Four bodies in four weeks. Why weren’t we called in after the first three?”

“Richmond PD didn’t see the connection until last night. It seems that the first three victims didn’t have the best past, so they were written off as a consequence of their life choices.” JJ filled in.

“What do you mean?” Emily asked

Garcia, who was typing on her laptop, spoke up, “Benjamin Clark was arrested for possession a few years ago, he was an addict. Poor baby, just say no.. Let’s see, Wallace Carroll had been arrested repeatedly for alcohol-related charges, with the last arrest being just three months ago and while Jared Jackson was never arrested, he had the police called on him for assault-related issues.” Garcia typed something else on her laptop before continuing, “But Thomas Campbell doesn’t seem to have any arrests, just repeated 911 calls about an abusive boyfriend and then… oh my… He called 911 after his boyfriend tried to set him on fire..” Garcia said, looking horrified.

Reid sighed, “Yeah.. he would tell that story every time there was a new person in the group. His ex was extremely abusive. That.. That is how he received all of the scars on his body.” Reid said, absently bringing his hand up to rub his right shoulder, where one of his lash scars wrapped around.

Hotch’s face tightened, “Where is the ex-boyfriend now?”

Garcia spoke up before Reid, “Nathan Ballard. He did three years in prison for assault and was released almost a year ago. He lives in Fredericksburg, Virginia.”

“Three years? That is all he got for setting a man on fire?” Morgan asked, angry for a man he never knew.

“After he r-raped him..” Reid added. Seeing the confused look Morgan had, he made himself clearer, “Nathan raped Tom until he passed out and then set the bed on fire.”

“Shit..” Morgan murmured under his breath.

Rossi nodded his head, “Did the victims have any sign of sexual assault?” JJ shook her head no.

“So.. It probably wasn’t this ex-boyfriend.” Emily pondered, “We are probably looking for a random attacker, an unsub that didn’t know these men.”

“Then why them?” JJ asked

Hotch stood up, “That is what we are going to find out. Prentiss, Rossi, interview the ex-boyfriend. Even if it’s most likely not him, I don’t care. He deserves to be harassed. JJ, Morgan, start lining up and interviewing the other victims’ family and friends. Reid, you will start on a geological profile. Richmond isn’t too far of a drive. We will leave in 20 minutes.”

At that, Reid got up, gathered his things, and stepped out of the room before anyone else. Hotch watched him from the conference room window. Reid walked towards the restroom before changing his mind last minute and heading for the kitchenette. Specifically, the coffee pot.

Hotch relaxed slightly knowing that Reid didn’t rush to the restroom right away, knowing he would most likely self-harm if he did. He turned away from the window to see that the rest of the team had yet to get up. Instead, they were all just looking at Hotch. “Uhh.. is there a problem?”

“Come on, man. Extended medical leave, support groups? What else did you not tell us? I thought we were gonna help him together?” Morgan started. He was clearly offended by not being told everything about his best friend’s medical condition.

Hotch sighed, he should have figured that the team would be upset. When Reid came home from everything that happened with Hankel and when he was dealing with his father in Las Vegas, Reid and Hotch shared almost every detail with the team. Now, for some unknown reason, Reid didn’t want to be transparent with the team this time.

“He is just going through a hard time—”

Hotch started but Morgan cut him off, “We can see that now!”

“Derek..” Garcia said, trying to get him to calm down. “He _means_ we could have helped if one of you would have just told us… instead of shutting us out for the past month.”

Hotch looked back out the window to see if he could see Reid. He had sat down at his desk, trying to look at some of the files Strauss had left on his desk while scratching at his wrist every now and then. While he had only cut on his arms once or twice since Las Vegas, the want to cut made his skin crawl, which made him absent-mindedly scratch.

When Hotch didn’t say anything right away, JJ spoke up, “Why is he back at work? If he extended his medical leave once, can’t he do it again?”

Hotch crossed his arms, “I told you, I didn’t have a choice in the matter. As for him.. I think he believes work will make him feel better.”

“Well.. Hell of a case for that,” Rossi added.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I knowwwww, short chapter that didn't get far and it took forever to update.   
> I was sent to the mental hospital for a forced vacation XD And I know what you must be thinking, this chick writes dark non-con with like almost every trigger warning there is, no surprise that she also has mental problems LOL I am good though. Also, my college started back up, and I am now a week behind but I will try and upset again soon.   
> Please kudos, sub, and comment!


	4. Breaking the Habit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: eating disorder, talk of self-harm, rape, and murder

Twenty minutes later the team was splitting into two SUVs and driving down to Richmond, Virginia. Emily and Rossi went to interview Tom’s ex while Hotch, Reid, JJ, and Morgan all piled into the second SUV.

The drive wasn’t far, which meant they didn’t have to get hotel rooms. They could just drive back to their own apartment that night. Hotch was glad for this. Reid would at least have the comfort of his own bed during his first case back.

A few minutes into the drive and JJ started to try and make small talk with Reid. She hadn’t spoken to him but twice since they came back from Las Vegas and she missed him.

“So.. Spence? What did you do while you weren’t working? Read any good books?” JJ asked with a smile from the back seat.

“Not much.. I watched Netflix, read some books that Aaron bought for me, and just hung out with Aaron.” Spencer said plainly. He was about to ask her how she had been, but he was cut off by Morgan.

“Hanging out, huh? I guess that is what the kids are calling it nowadays.” He said with a laugh.

JJ smirked at the joke but her smile quickly faded as she noticed Hotch’s pissed off glare in the rearview mirror. She looked over at Reid in the front passenger seat and he was picking at his sleeve, but she couldn’t see his face from where she was sitting.

“Yeah, very funny…” Reid said, his anger and embarrassment were laced into his voice.

“Shit.. Sorry, man. You told me about that.. time in the hotel so I just figured..” Morgan started but Reid cut him off.

“Figured what? That I was spending over a month on medical leave fucki—"

“Reid,” Hotch said, stopping him from saying something he would regret.

Reid took a deep breath and leaned his head back on the headrest. “Sorry…”

“No problem, kid. I overstepped.” Morgan said

The tension in the car was palpable as Reid leaned forward and turned the radio on. He didn’t care about what was playing, no one did.

After a few minutes Reid wrapped his arms around his thin torso tightly before speaking up again, “I—I can’t… I am not handling touch well right now… Even from my own boyfriend.. I—uhh.. I keep… Everything reminds me of.. him.” Reid said barely above a whisper.

Hotch and JJ stayed quiet. It was clear that Reid wanted to talk with his best friend, basically his brother, that also understood the pain of being sexually assaulted.

The words Reid said back in Las Vegas, before what happened with his father, rang in Morgan’s head, _‘_ _Sometimes… I can feel him. On me.. in me.. My skin will crawl, and I hate it so much.’_ Morgan sighed, “It’s worse than before?”

“Extremely…”

Morgan nodded, even though Reid couldn’t see him as he was sitting directly in front of him. “You still seeing your therapist?”

“Yeah..”

“Going to support groups? Medication?”

“Yes, and yes…” Reid said, and a surprised look passed over JJ’s features. She had no idea that Reid was taking medication for his issues.

The same look swept across Morgan’s face. He really didn’t know that Reid was taking medication. He just guessed, but he didn’t dwell on it. “Good. You are doing everything right… Listen, I know it’s hard now, but you can and will heal from this, okay kid? You did it once all by yourself as a child, you can do it again. The only difference is that this time you have a family to rely on, okay?”

Reid sat in thought for a moment before finally saying, “Thank you, Morgan… I am sorry I didn’t reach out over the past month… Same to you JJ.” Reid said, leaning around his seat and looking into the backseat. His eyes were watery, as if he were about to cry but neither agent mentioned it.

Morgan gave him a nod and smile and JJ said, “It’s no problem, Spence. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When the team got into the Richmond police station, they all got right to work. Hotch helped Reid set up the conference room and board for the investigation. Then Reid moved on to the geological profile and Hotch started victimology. Morgan and JJ got to work interviewing the family and friends of the victims.

Reid was falling back into the swing of things easily. He seemed a little lighter after he talked with Morgan but working on the geological profile helped as well. The geological profile was calming. He didn’t have to look at bodies or think about how people were murdered. He just looked at distance, traffic patterns, population density, commercial and residential builds, and other factors that could impact the locations of the murders.

Since Reid already knew the area so well, the geological profile was coming together quickly. Before he knew it, Hotch was clearing his throat to get his attention for lunch. He was so into what he was doing he didn’t even notice that JJ left and picked the four of the agents up some lunch.

“Spencer, it’s time for a break,” Hotch said from beside the young man, who was standing in front of the map.

Reid shook his head. He didn’t want to stop what he was doing, and he really didn’t feel like eating. “No, I am fine. Thank you.” He said, not looking away from the board.

“No, Spencer. You need to eat. You barely ate this morning.” Hotch pushed.

“I will eat later.”

Hotch huffed, he was used to this battle by now. After Hankel, they realized just how little Reid wanted to eat and while it improved in the months that followed, his eating issues came back in full force after Las Vegas.

“You need to eat, or I will make you one of your meal replacement shakes and the only powdered mix I have is banana flavored.”

“Gross! The banana flavor is the worst kind.” Reid whined, turning around, and looking at Hotch for the first time. He noticed JJ and Morgan already sitting at the conference table, getting everyone’s food ready. A light blush rose on his cheeks, suddenly feeling embarrassed about whining.

“Come on, kid. JJ got you a sandwich and some dessert thing.” Morgan said

“It’s a coffee cake, Spence. I wasn’t sure what you would want.” JJ said with a caring, motherly look that Reid couldn’t ignore.

With a sigh, he went to his seat around the conference table, “Thank you, JJ”

Hotch joined the three at the table, picking up Reid’s messenger bag and handing it to him with a look. Reid huffed but took the bag and preceded to take out an orange prescription bottle, taking out one pill and putting the rest away. Hotch passed him a bottle of water and Reid swallowed his medicine down.

JJ tried hard not to stare at the silent domestic display while Morgan was trying to see if he could figure out what the medicine was. Reid noticed Morgan staring an answered the unasked question for him, “It’s an appetite stimulant.”

“Oh, I didn’t know you were still having issues with your anorexia,” Morgan said without much thought. He had noticed that Spencer’s clothes were a little loose on him again, but it was hard to tell with his sweater vest. They had talked about Reid’s lack of eating several times, but Reid always said that he wasn’t anorexic.

“I am not anorexic,” Reid said, as if on cue. Morgan chuckled and much to his surprise, so did Hotch.

Reid pouted ever so slightly, “It’s not funny, Aaron.”

Hotch chuckled again, “Oh, it is.”

“What is it?” JJ asked

Hotch looked over at Reid, as if he were silently asking if he could tell them. Reid nodded but rolled his eyes, turning his attention over to his coffee cake and starting to pick at the corners of it with his long fingers.

“Spencer was so mad that his doctor diagnosed him with anorexia, he debated with her for almost the whole hour-long appointment. In the end, she agreed that he did not have anorexia but then diagnosed him with ARFID.”

JJ furrowed her eyebrows, “That.. That’s not really funny, Hotch.”

“See,” Reid chipped in.

“It wasn’t the diagnosis but how he reacted. He tried to argue it but talked himself into a circle and ended up accidentally saying she was right. It was a scene.” Hotch said, smirking at Reid.

JJ smiled, “You mean, he was cute.” Hotch nodded and Reid pouted even harder.

“Okay but for those of us that aren’t geniuses or live with a genius, what is.. AFED?” Morgan asked, already halfway through his meal.

Reid, who barely started his meal, said, “ARFID. Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. Which I don’t have.”

“What are the symptoms?” Morgan asked

“According to the DSM-5, ARFID is diagnosed when there is eating or feeding disturbance such as apparent lack of interest in eating or food, avoidance based on the sensory characteristics of food, and/or concern about aversive consequences of eating as manifested by persistent failure to meet appropriate nutritional and/or energy needs associated with one (or more) of the following: Significant weight loss, nutritional deficiency, dependence on enteral feeding or oral nutritional supplements and marked interference with psychosocial functioning,” Reid said as if he were reading directly from the DSM-5 itself.

“So.. It doesn’t have anything to do with the way the person thinks they look?” Morgan asked, making sure he was understanding the term correctly.

Reid quoted more of the definition as an answer, “The eating disturbance does not occur exclusively during the course of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, and there is no evidence of a disturbance in the way in which one’s body weight or shape is experienced.”

Morgan nodded, it made sense. While Reid had commented once about how his father thought he was fat, he had never talked about not liking the way he looked. “What makes the person not eat then?”

Reid side-eyed Morgan, “I don’t know because I don’t have ARFID.”

JJ gave Reid a knowing look, “So you didn’t lose any weight on your leave?”

Reid ignored the question but instead looked over at Hotch, “Emily and Rossi still aren’t back?”

“No. Tom’s ex-boyfriend was refusing to cooperate. He wouldn’t answer any questions or even give an alibi. Garcia tried to see if she could find where he was at the time of the murders, but she came up with nothing, so they are bringing him in.” Hotch looked at his watch, “They should be back anytime now.”

Reid tried hard to make some small talk as he picked at his lunch. JJ talked about a guy named Will that she met while he was on leave and Morgan went on about a problem he was having with one of his properties. Reid tried to carry on a regular conversation, but it was clear that he was forcing it. JJ and Morgan still appreciated the effort.

Everyone was done with their lunch about 15 minutes after they started, but Reid had barely touched his meal. No one got up, trying to extend their lunch in order to get Reid to eat some more.

“Any luck with the geological profile?” JJ asked after an awkward silence.

Reid took another bite of his coffee cake, “I haven’t finished it, but nothing has stood out to me so far..” Reid paused, looking over in the direction of the map, “Well.. I did notice that the murder sites were all close to community type centers.. Tom was found near the rec center that the support group is at. The first victim, Benjamin, was found in an alley next to a church, the second victim was near a rec center as well and the third was by a school.”

“But why would someone be at a school or church that late on a Sunday night? Do you think it means anything?” JJ asked and Reid shrugged.

Hotch’s phone chimed with a text before he said, “Morgan, call Garcia and get her to look into those locations. They might host some sort of event that the victims when to the nights they were killed.” He looked at his phone and added, “Rossi and Prentiss are here with Nathan Ballard.”

Morgan, JJ, Hotch, and Reid all stepped out of the conference room when they heard yelling coming from the entrance of the police station. Emily and Rossi were guiding in a very hostile Nathan Ballard. He was a surprisingly large and angry man.

Nathan bucked his arm away from Emily, who was holding him around his elbow as his hands were cuffed behind his back, “Get off me bitch, if you wanna touch me so bad then get on your knees and— Ow!” Nathan yelled as Emily yanked his arms up higher, pinching his wrists and contorting his shoulders.

“Oh, did that hurt?” Emily hissed. She could hold her own but that didn’t stop Hotch and Morgan from going to her side the moment the man called her a ‘bitch’.

Reid watched the interaction by the conference room door next to JJ, about 15 feet away. He couldn’t stop staring at the man. Besides the fact that he now had a face to put on all of the horrible stories that Tom would tell, he looked familiar. He was so deep in thought, trying to place where he had seen the man’s face from, he didn’t even notice that the man was staring back at him with a sickening smile.

Hotch noticed and gave the man a sharp shove into the nearest interrogation room. Reid crossed the room and silently went into the viewing room. Hotch and the rest of the team followed.

“What is it, Reid?”

Reid had wrapped his arms around his waist with one hand coming to rest on his chin, a stance he commonly had when he was thinking. “I have seen him before; I am just not too sure where.”

“Hm… Could he have gone to the meeting last night?” Emily asked and Spencer shook his head.

“No. Tom would have noticed and called the police.. But somewhere..” Reid said, starting to circle through his mind. He had a near-perfect visual recall but sometimes it was hard to sort through all of the information in his head, really when he wasn’t sure the date or time.

The team let Reid think as they started talking about Nathan. Hotch spoke up first, “Do you think he has any involvement in this?”

“Hard to say. He doesn’t seem organized enough to kill three people before Tom just to cover up murdering Tom, but he is refusing to work with us. I think he just wants the attention. He is clearly a narcissist and—” Rossi said before Emily cut him off.

“And a dick.” She said, earning a laugh from JJ and Morgan.

Rossi smiled but rolled his eyes, “Yeah. He kept sexually harassing everyone he saw. He—”

This time Reid cut Rossi off, “That’s it!” He yelled and turned to Hotch, “Remember when I told you about that man in the red truck that verbally harassed me while I was waiting for you outside the rec center?”

Hotch’s face tightened but he nodded yes.

“That is him! It was dark but I am sure of it.”

“This asshole harassed you after a sexual assault support group?” Morgan asked, not hiding his anger as well as Hotch.

Reid nodded, “Yeah, but he had no way of knowing—” Reid stopped midsentence and looked over at Hotch, “He had to have known. He lives in Fredericksburg, Virginia.. He would have had to go well out of his way to go to the meeting that Tom just happened to be at.”

“Was he stalking him?” JJ asked

Emily nodded, “Seems that way..”

Hotch headed to the door, “Morgan, with me.” They both left the viewing room and appeared in the interrogation room a second later, where Nathan was handcuffed to the table.

Once they walked into the room Nathan rolled his eyes, “Ugh, not the macho men. Send in the twink or that little blonde girl I saw.” Both Morgan and Hotch had to will themselves not to react to Nathan’s comment.

Hotch started first, sitting down in one of the chairs across from Nathan, “Where were you Sunday night?”

“Fucking your mom,” Nathan said with a smirk. It was clear that he didn’t care about the situation at all.

Hotch was unfazed by the juvenile response. “Do you always follow Thomas Campbell around?” He said, cutting straight to the point.

Nathan looked confused for a moment, “Oh! That little twink remembered me! Bring him in here, I wanna ask him why he goes to that stupid ‘support group’.” Nathan said, putting air quotes around the words ‘support group’.

Morgan stepped forward, not wanting to sit down, and crossed his arms. “So, you admit you stalked him. Was raping him and trying to set him on fire not enough for you?”

Nathan laughed.

_Laughed._

“I was already charged with attempted murder. You can’t arrest me for the same crime twice.”

Morgan wanted to punch the guy’s head through the wall. He hated guys like him. “You—” He started but without warning, the interrogation door opened. They all looked over to see Reid.

“Reid, what are you doing?” Hotch asked but Reid just moved in and took the chair next to Hotch at the table. Reid put his hand on Hotch’s knee under the table for a split second, silently telling him to trust him. Morgan gave Hotch a look but Hotch just shook his head. He had no idea what Reid was up to, but he would let him work.

“You are right. We can’t charge you with the same crime twice. So, why don’t you tell me about it?” Reid said. He purposely wrapped his arms around his waist and avoided eye contact with the larger man. He wanted to look as submissive as possible. Reid knew all too well how men like Nathan worked. They wanted to be in control of the situation, have everything be about them, and their so-called power over others.

“Mmm.. So, the little twink joins the party.” Nathan leans in and looks Reid up and down. He notices his FBI badge, “Damn, how did they let you into the FBI. You look like I could break you in half and you would like it.”

Reid thought about his actions carefully. He stole a glance at Nathan before putting his eyes back down and worrying on his lip. “Sorry..” Reid said quietly. He was shaking slightly but he hoped Hotch would think it was just part of his ruse, not from the actual fear he was feeling.

He swore he could almost hear Hotch’s teeth grind with anger. Reid was often used in interrogations where a gentler, more submissive hand was needed, but that was normally with young adults or women, not with a rapist. Hotch not understanding why Reid was trying to get Nathan to talk about what he did to Tom, didn’t help his anger.

Nathan had a menacing sparkle to his eyes but a soft smile on his face, “Oh baby boy, it’s okay. You wanna know how I owned your little friend right?”

Reid nodded slowly, “Yes, please.”

Nathan then when on to describe, in far too much detail, the horrors he put Tom through the night he tried to kill him. He stopped every so often to stay something vile and disgusting to Reid. Such as, ‘You want me to fuck you like I did your little friend’ or ‘I bet you’re a screamer too.’ Reid handled each comment just how Nathan wanted and to Hotch and Morgan’s credit, they didn’t beat the man to death for what he was saying, even though Reid was pretty sure he could feel the steam coming off Hotch.

Once Nathan was finished with his story, Reid stood up. “Where you going, baby boy? Did I scare you away?” Nathan asked with a sickening smile. Reid opened the door and waved in two officers that seemed to have been waiting there.

“Nathan Ballard, you are under arrest for the rape and attempted murder of Thomas Campbell,” Reid said calmly as the officers came in and stood Nathan up and re-handcuffed him.

Nathan pulled away from the officers and yelled, “What the fuck?!”, but Morgan, even though he didn’t understand what was going on, moved over, and helped them control the angry man. “You can’t charge me with the same crime twice! You said that!” He continued to yell.

“You are right. However, you were never actually charged with attempted murder and rape though. Those were the charges you were arrested on, but you were only charged and found guilty for Failure to Render Assistance.” Reid started and there was a look of understanding across the two other profilers in the room. “Tom was a smoker and you claimed he accidentally fell asleep with a cigarette after you two had consensual sex. They knew they had no evidence, so they didn’t even bother charging you with attempted murder and rape.”

Nathan shook his head violently. “Fuck no! How—”

Reid cut the man off, “Tom told me a lot about you in our ‘support group’,” Reid said using the same air quotes that Nathan used. “He said that he was sure the only way you would be charged correctly would be with a full confession, so thank you for that..” Reid said as Nathan was being pulled out of the room.

Reid finally let himself relax, letting go of a shaky breath. He wrapped his arms around himself again, but this time to try and soothe himself.

“Spencer?” Hotch said, getting his attention. He had forgotten that Hotch and Morgan were still in the room.

“Oh, sorry.. I—Garcia called right after you two started the interview. She said how she went through his computer remotely and found evidence that he was home playing online games last night. He even ordered pizza… I was going to come tell you two, but I saw the opportunity to make him pay for hurting Tom.. So, I took it.. I am sorry…” Reid said, his stress and fear were pouring off him in droves.

Hotch stepped closer to Reid, shooting a look at Morgan for him to give them some privacy. Once Morgan left Hotch said, “Shhh baby.. It’s okay. You did a great job.” Reid was trembling, his arms wrapped around himself even tighter and he dug his nails into himself through his dress shirt. “Relax, I know that must have been hard.. Tom would be so grateful.”

Reid went to open his mouth to stay something but all that came out was a sob as tears started to run down his face and he lost the calculated control that he had just moments before.

Hotch wrapped his arms around him automatically, glad that Reid didn’t back away from his touch but instead welcomed it.

The rest of the team, now including Morgan who had just entered, were still in the viewing room.

They watched silently as their boss held a sobbing Spencer Reid. They watched as Reid grabbed at the back of Hotch, wrinkling his clean, pressed suit and ruining his dress shirt with his tears. They watched as Hotch mumbled kind words of support while Reid sobbed out terrified and self-deprecating words that struck everyone watching right in the heart.

They learned today that Reid was struggling, but to see it, so open and honest, hurt.

Rossi was the first one to speak. He moved towards the door and simply said, “Come on. Let’s give them some privacy..”

The team went back to the conference room and Reid and Hotch joined them almost 10 minutes later.

Hotch had smoothed out his suit and was back to his stoic, professional self, but Reid looked wrecked. His face was, once again, red and blotchy from crying. His eyes were wet and slightly glazed over. Reid slowly moved into the room and started staring at the map again. The team tried not to watch him, but all heads turned when they heard a familiar snapping sound.

Reid was snapping a red band around his wrist, a habit he started after Hankel to deter himself from cutting but instead, it just turned into a tool he used to harm himself without using a blade, so he stopped using it.

Rossi was the first one to say that Reid shouldn’t be using the band. He even went as far as to take it away from him when he had to stay the night at Rossi’s after Hankel. Rossi eyed Reid, trying to see if he was doing the same damage with that band that he did before but he couldn’t make out any bruises or raw skin from the snapping, only scar tissue.

Reid was either oblivious to the room of eyes on him or he was pretending not to notice, he just continued to look at the map and snap his band.

_Snap_

_Snap_

_Snap_

Rossi could see Reid’s wrist start to turn red and welt, so he gave a concerned look to Hotch, who just shook his head for him to let it go.

Rossi was not the type to just let things go, “Hey, Reid.” He said, making the young man jump slightly but turn to look back at him. “I thought you stopped with that band?”

Reid looked confused for a moment. He had gotten used to snapping his band around Hotch, he didn’t even think about the fact that he was in front of the team. He unconsciously wrapped his hand around his wrist, as if he were attempting to hide what he was doing. “I did stop. I just.. I have been.. you know…”

Reid pulled up his dress shirt sleeve a few inches and looked down at his own wrist. The team, except for Hotch, couldn’t help but look as well. It was red and a few spots were risen slightly but the band had not done much damage. His handcuff scar was as prominent as ever, but the team could also see several new scars carved into his wrist. Reid pulled his sleeve back down and looked back up at his team, “I am trying not too.. This has been helping.”

“How would snapping that band help though?” Emily asked.

“It’s better than cutting,” Reid said matter-a-factly.

“But it’s still hurting you..” JJ said.

Reid almost laughed at her naivety at the situation. “That is the point… I—I need something, and this is better than nothing…”

Before anyone else could speak, Hotch stood up and cleared his throat. A simple but commanding gesture. “Let’s regroup,” Hotch said and everyone made their way to the conference room table. Reid sat extremely close to Hotch. Once everyone sat, Hotch started again. “What do we have so far?”

Emily went first, “Well we hit a dead end with Nathan.”

“Yeah, he is an unsub but not this one.” Rossi finished her thought.

“Morgan and I didn’t get anything useful from the interviews. Most of the family and friends for the first three victims talked bad about them. They were a drunk, a junkie, or overly aggressive. No one spoke highly of them..” JJ added.

“Could they be public service crimes?” Emily suggested but Reid shook his head.

“That wouldn’t make sense. Tom never got in trouble with the law. He volunteered and actively tried to help others.”

Hotch nodded, “Reid, how is the geographical profile coming along?”

“Good,” Reid stood up and walked back over to his map. “The areas that the victims were found were surrounded by businesses. The victims or unsub could have been coming from any of these buildings.” Reid said, pointing to a few spots on the map. “However, all areas have a community type center nearby. I am still waiting on Garcia to get back to me on if any of the centers were hosting any events the night the victims were murdered.”

Morgan didn’t wait to be asked. He was already pulling out his cell phone and was dialing Garcia’s number.

 _“Talk dirty to me.”_ Garcia’s voice said over Morgan’s speakerphone.

“You are on speaker baby girl,” Morgan said back with a smile.

“ _… I knew that… What can I do you for?”_

Morgan laughed, “Did you get a chance to check on those locations Pretty Boy needed?”

The sound of keys typing a mile a minute could be heard from the speaker before Garcia said, “ _Let's see.. I was able to get the schedule for the rec center near where Wallace Carroll was found. There was a yoga class, an AA meeting, a parenting class, and a spin class all that night. I can’t get any information about anything at the school or church though. Neither location seems to have any web pages or social media accounts. They also seem to not like to answer their phones..”_

“Can you see if Wallace was registered at any of those classes that Sunday?” Emily projected so Garcia could hear her.

_“No can do, M &M. They didn’t keep their registration online either. Don’t these people know—”_

“That’s it..” Reid said to himself, interrupting Garcia. He was still looking at the map, but he looked deep in thought.

“Care to share with the rest of us?” Rossi said with a smirk.

“Maybe… Garcia?”

_“Yes, my white chocolate genius?”_

“Can you look up if there were any NA meetings in the area the day the first victim, Benjamin Clark, was murdered?” Reid asked

Garcia’s typing could be heard again before she said, “ _You scare me sometimes, doc. I have a listing for an NA meeting that changed locations. That weekend it was at that church near where he was murdered..”_

Reid put a pin in his map before dragging his delicate fingers over to the third murder site. “Okay.. Okay… Jared Jackson had several assault-related complaints.. Garcia, can you look up if there were any anger management groups or.. maybe child abuse support groups the night Jared was murdered?”

The typing started again, taking longer than last time before Garcia spoke, “ _Okay, I found a child abuse support group for adults that was at that school near where Jared Jackson was found.”_

“I don’t understand..” JJ said when she saw the look of realization on Reid’s face.

“All of the victims were at support groups right before they were murdered…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Don't forget to Kudos, Sub and Comment, please! :D


	5. Bleed It Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Graphic description of rape and self-harm.
> 
> Also, I went ahead and added the non-con warning on this fic due to flashbacks/dreams. There will not be any new non-con in this work.

_“All of the victims were at support groups right before they were murdered…”_ The words bounced around in Reid’s head as he laid in bed with Hotch.

The rest of their workday didn’t lead to much. Reid discovered that the victims were being targeted because they were attending support groups in the area and Emily followed up with the idea that the unsub was shoving a red cloth in the victim’s mouths as a symbol that they shouldn’t have spoken about their issues.

After that, they hit a brick wall. Support groups attendees were not listed anywhere as they were often not kept track of for the attendee’s privacy. Garcia was trying to track down other ways of locating the people that attended the support groups the night of each murder, but she was having little luck. The team decided it would be best to call it a night and start fresh in the morning.

The fact that the unsub was most likely at the support group with him the night Tom was murdered did not sit well with Reid. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on everyone he saw. Whoever it was, was not there the last three Sunday meetings. He flooded his mind with images of all of the men he saw but he couldn’t think of one that caught his attention.

Reid tried to push the events of the day out of his head as he watched Hotch sleep. His normally tight eyebrows and deep frown were completely relaxed. His face was softened, mouth slightly open as the light sound of his breathing filled the room. Reid couldn’t help but stare. He loved Hotch with his whole heart and knew he was lucky to be with him.

Reid pushed himself further into Hotch’s chest. Breathing in his warmth and the subtle scent of rain and freshly cleaned clothes. He tried to relax, tried to fall asleep, but he knew it was a lost cause. He could barely sleep even with his sleep medication flowing through his veins, so he knew now that he could no longer take the sleep medication that sleep wasn’t going to find him.

He laid in Hotch’s arms for another hour before he slowly pulled himself out of his grasp. He wrapped his weighted blanket around his shoulders before making his way to the living room and sitting at his desk. He was pretty sure he had a sample bottom of melatonin that his doctor gave him in his desk drawer, but he couldn’t find it.

 _Eidetic memory but still loses stuff all the time.. Yeah, makes sense…_ Reid thought to himself with a chuckle. His eyes landed on a notebook he had in his desk and decided if he couldn’t sleep, he might as well be useful.

Reid flipped to a blank page, grabbed a pen, and started listing everyone he had seen at his sexual assault support group. He started with the members he knew by name. Listing them out and giving a physical description, how many times they spoke, and how often they came.

He had only been in the group for about a month, but he went to every meeting, three times a week, so in that month he had been to twelve meetings and had seen a long list of men in the group. It took him over three hours to list everyone he remembered seeing at the meetings, including the descriptions of people in the parking lot and rec center that didn’t attend the group.

He looked down at his long list and felt furious and guilty. _12 meetings, 12 hours, 720 minutes, 43,200 seconds.. The profile suggests that the unsub stalked his victims during their support group.. I should have noticed the unsub.. I am trained to notice. My job is to notice… I failed Tom._

Reid groaned and took his fists and hit the sides of his head, whispering to himself with each hit.

“Stop it” **Hit.** “Stop it.” **Hit.** “Stop it.” **Hit.** “It’s not your fault.. You know that.” **Hit.** “Not your fault..”

Reid leaned back in his desk chair with a sigh. He hated his mind sometimes. He knew he should be grateful for having such a powerful tool that he had used countless times to save victims and arrest unsubs but at times like this, when his mind was turning against him and drowning him in sorrow and self-hatred, he hated it so much.

Reid got up and tucked the notebook into his messenger bag, before heading to the sofa. He grabbed a book off the coffee table that he had started reading earlier, laid down and curled up, bring his blanket up around him, and flipping open the book.

Reid tried to get lost in the words of his book, _Joseph and His Friend: A Story of Pennsylvania_ by Bayard Taylor, hoping it would take him away from reality and place him somewhere anew. Instead, he found his eyes falling, blurring the Old English novel. With a huff, he closed the book and roughly put it back on the coffee table.

He was so painfully tired but when he closed his eyes, it was too dark, too quiet.

He grabbed the TV remote, thankful that it was within arms reach on the coffee table, and turned on the TV. He wanted to watch something on Netflix but the thought of opening the app on the TV and looking for the show he wanted seemed like a monumental task at the moment, so he settled for whatever was already playing.

_A house hunting show… Great..._

Reid mindlessly watched as an average white couple, with strange careers, looked for an overpriced home. He chuckled to himself as the lack of sleep was starting to make him giggly about how all the house shows he had watched, which admittedly was very few, were all the same. He tried to focus on statistics he knew about home buyers, house prices, and career salaries but before he could, his eyes were falling shut as sleep finally took him.

*

Spencer woke up to find himself lying naked on a bed that had clean looking sheets. The room looked like a master bedroom. He could see an open ensuite bathroom door, and two other closed doors. The room had two windows with closed sheer curtains. He tried to focus out of the window, but he couldn’t see much. It seemed familiar for some reason, everything around him did.

Then it hit him.

He was back at Riley Jenkins’s old house.

He started to panic, and pull away from the bed, but he quickly realized that he was zip-tied to the bed like before.

_No, no, no! This isn’t real! This has to be a dream, a fucking nightmare. I—_

Spencer was pulled out of his thoughts by an eerily familiar voice, “Hello Pen.”

He looked up to see William Reid, his father, smiling down at him. “No! You’re dead! I saw your corpse myself!”

“My pretty little Pen, you think you can get rid of me that easily? You are so stupid, so worthless. You will be mine for the rest of your pitiful life.” William said as he walked closer to the bed.

Spencer felt like his heart was going to burst right out of his chest. He needed to make it stop. He swung his zip-tied hands at William, but nothing happened. It was as if his arms simply went through William as if he were a ghost.

William just laughed, “Not even death can stop me, Pen. You will always be mine.” He said as he climbed on top of him.

All Spencer could do was cry as he continued to fight off his father.

“Beg for me, Pen. Tell me how much you want to be punished. How much of a bad boy you are.” William hissed at Spencer. Wasting no time as he lowered his boxers and lined up with Spencer’s hole.

“No! This isn’t real! Stop! Please, Sir!” Spencer screamed. No matter how much he knew it wasn’t real, that it was only a dream. It felt real, way too real as Spencer’s body was then brutally impaled by his father.

He screamed out to no avail.

No one can hear you scream in your nightmares. 

Spencer fought and screamed as his body was being pounded mercilessly, a feeling he figured he would be used to by now but there is no getting used to this.

Suddenly William grabbed his arm and roughly bit into the top of it, like he used to do to his shoulder, before he felt a sickeningly familiar twitch of the cock buried inside him, followed by a wet warmth.

He screamed out at the pain of the bite before waking up with a jump.

*

He jumped up and off the sofa, gasping for air as reality came rushing back to him. He should have been glad that he woke up, that he was free from that nightmare, but instead, he was just terrified and disgusted.

Reid rushed into the kitchen just in time to throw up in the sink. Gagging and choking on his vomit until his stomach was beyond empty and the sick feeling eased up slightly. He was surprised that he didn’t accidentally wake Hotch up, but he couldn’t dwell on the thought as he was too focused on the pain he felt in his arm.

He understood that it was a dream, but his arm hurt from where he was bit by his father in the dream. He looked down at his arm to find a bite mark in the middle of his forearm.

_I bit myself in my sleep. It wasn’t him. It’s common for nightmares to cause bouts of parasomnia.. abnormal behavior while sleeping, but… it felt so real…_

Reid tried to use logic. He knew that it wasn’t his father. It wasn’t even the spot that his father would bite, but that didn’t stop his breathing from picking up as he was starting to panic. His whole body shook as he looked down at the teeth imprints on his arm.

_‘I marked you. You will always be mine’_

“No… It’s not him… Not him…” He whispered to himself.

Reid could feel the teeth of his father. Painful teeth that would mark his shoulder, biting through scar tissue and young flesh. Claiming him.

 _I need the mark gone._ Reid thought as a full panic attack set in. He was no longer thinking clearly.

He opened a kitchen drawer at random, grabbing the first sharp thing he saw. A sharp paring knife.

With no thought, he pressed the sharp edge of the knife into his forearm, dragging it through the bite mark, slashing through soft pale skin. Once he pulled the knife away, he knew he fucked up. Blood started pouring out much faster than normal. He dropped the knife on the floor and just watched his arm. The blood ran down his arm, stopping at his elbow and dripping onto the floor.

He knew he should grab a towel; he was losing blood too quickly but before he could, the kitchen light flicked on.

“Spencer?” A tired-looking Hotch said as he walked through the kitchen doorway. It took him a second to understand the sight in front of him.

Reid was standing in front of the kitchen sink that was covered in vomit, as blood poured out of the deep cut on his arm and onto the floor. “Oh my God! Spencer! What happened?” Hotch asked as he rushed to Reid’s side, grabbing a washcloth from the counter, and pressing it against Reid’s arm.

“I—I didn’t mean to… I needed the teeth to go away…” Reid mumbled, tears starting to run down his pale cheeks.

Hotch didn’t understand what Reid is trying to say but he doesn’t ask. The washcloth is already soaking through with blood. He stretched slightly to reach a dish towel hanging on the oven door and presses it into the first washcloth.

“Spencer..” Hotch said, looking up to see the distant and scared look on Reid’s face. “We need to get you to the emergency room.”

Reid shook his head, “No. I just need the first aid kit. I can—”

“No, Spencer. This is bleeding too much. You need stitches.” Hotch said, trying to keep his voice even and calm even though he wanted to cry. Yet again, he was taking care of his boyfriend’s self-inflicted wounds that he gained while he was just in the other room.

Reid pulled his arm away from Hotch, “No! You are not taking me there so they can lock me away! I am fine.”

“No one is going to lock you away, you—”

Hotch started but Reid cut him off, “They will! They will know I did this to myself and they will mark me a danger to myself and put me on a 72-hour hold! I can’t get locked away! I can’t!”

Hotch took a deep breath. He wanted to tell Reid that getting put in the mental ward for a little bit might not be the worst thing. They could watch him better than he could. They could work on his medication, and hopefully, help him with his depression and PTSD, but he knew that one of Reid’s biggest fears was being locked away like his mom. Reid was still uncomfortable talking with his therapist at times and hated taking his medication, there was no way that he would open up to workers in a mental hospital right away or even at all. Hotch pushed the thought away when he noticed the dish towel was soaking through with blood as well and blood was dripping onto the floor again.

“Shhh… Please.. I won’t let them send you away, but we _need_ to get you to the hospital. You are losing too much blood.” Hotch said, a small shake to his voice shined through. It didn’t go unnoticed by Reid.

He looked down at his blood-covered arm, “Shit.. yeah… Okay.. Sorry..”

Hotch nodded and pulled a chair from the table over for Reid, “Sit, please. I will be right back.” Once Reid sat, he rushed out of the room. He slipped on a pair of pants, not caring about only wearing a white t-shirt. He grabbed his wallet, keys, and Reid’s messenger bag before stopping in the bathroom and grabbing a clean white towel.

He threw Reid’s messenger bag over his head, so the strap crossed his chest as he walked into the kitchen. “Trying to steal my look?” Reid said when he walked in. Blood was starting to pool on the floor near where he was holding his arm, but he didn’t seem to care.

Hotch gave him a stern look, “I don’t think it’s time for jokes.” Hotch said as he kneeled in front of Reid, taking his bleeding arm in his hands. He started to take the bloody cloth off his arm, but Reid stopped him.

“No, wait. You can’t remove the first layer. It can cause more bleeding by undoing any clotting that might have started.”

Hotch nodded his head even though he wasn’t sure if Reid was telling the truth or just didn’t want him to see what he did to himself. He took off the dish towel, leaving the soaked washcloth before wrapping the white towel around his arm tightly. “Put pressure right here.” Hotch guided Reid’s hand to the towel, “Okay, let’s go.”

Reid went to stand up but fell back down into the chair. Seeing Hotch’s concerned face he said, “I am fine. Just a little lightheaded,” before he stood back up.

“I am calling an ambulance,” Hotch said, pulling out his cell phone.

“No, no. I am fine. Really, Aaron.. Besides, an ambulance would take about eight minutes and 32 seconds longer than if you drove me.” Reid said, walking towards the door.

Hotch huffed but helped him out to the car anyway.

The ride to the hospital was painfully quiet. Reid watched as the blood started to pool on the white towel, a little too relaxed for someone that could quite possibly be bleeding out. Hotch drove as quickly as he could. He had so many questions for Reid, but none were more important than getting Reid help.

Hotch pulled into the emergency vehicle bay, despite Reid’s complaining that he should go find somewhere to park. He jumped out of the car, “Stay here. I will be right back with help.” Hotch said as he headed to the emergency room doors.

“I am fine. I can walk in myself.” Reid said but once he stood up, he fell to his knees. “Shit… Sorry..”

Hotch hit an emergency button near the door before running back over to Reid. A large patch of blood had formed on the towel covering Spencer’s arm. Blood was also all over Spencer’s other hand, the one that was applying pressure to the wound. “What happened? Can you stand?”

Reid tried to move but found his limbs cold and mostly numb. “I—uhh.. I can’t get up…”

Before Hotch could answer two nurses rushed out of the ER doors, “What’s going on?” The female nurse asked as she pulled her gloves on.

“He has a deep cut on his forearm that won’t stop bleeding. He can’t stand.” Hotch quickly stated.

The male nurse took out a radio and radioed for help. Less than a minute later two more staff members came out, one was pushing a wheelchair. The male nurse put his hands-on Reid’s uninjured arm to help him up, but Reid pulled away. “No! Don’t touch me!” He yelled, causing the man to back away.

“Sir, we—” one of the new nurses started but Reid yelled, cutting her off.

“Don’t call me that!”

The nurse turned to Hotch, “We need to get him in the wheelchair and inside.”

Hotch nodded, “Baby.. We need to help you get into the chair. Come on.” Hotch said gently, reaching his hand out.

Reid looked terrified, “Please. I don’t want them to touch me. Don’t let him touch me…” He said but it was clear that he wasn’t talking about the male nurse.

“He isn’t here anymore.. He is dead. You are safe with me, okay.” Hotch said and the nurses gave them confused and worried looks.

After a moment Reid shook his head and reached out for Hotch. Hotch bent down and scooped Reid up before placing him in the chair. Part of him was glad that Reid was so thin, as he was easy to move around and the strangers didn’t have to touch him.

One nurse pushed Reid inside and directly into the back to a hospital room where a doctor was already waiting.

“My name is Dr. Roberson.” The doctor said as he readied a tray of supplies. “May I get your name?” He asked, looking over at Reid in the wheelchair.

“Dr. Spencer Reid..” Reid mumbled out but as the doctor moved closer he yelled, “Please, sir. Don’t touch me!”

Dr. Roberson took a moment to try and understand the situation. He noticed the handcuff scars on Reid’s wrists, the way he was shaking and terrified of being touched and he drew a conclusion, but it was only half right. “I am going to have to ask you to leave,” the doctor said to Hotch.

“I am not going anywhere.” Hotch quickly shot back, followed by Reid.

“No! I need him here.”

Seeing the confusion on the doctor’s face, Hotch took out his FBI badge, “I am a member of the FBI and I am not the one that did this to him. Spencer here is my boyfriend and also an FBI agent.”

The doctor didn’t have time to press the issue, “Then I need you to help me. I need to take these towels off the wound and stop the bleeding.”

Hotch nodded before moving in front of Spencer, “Baby, look at me. They are going to have to touch you now, okay? I want you to just keep your eyes on me. Can you do that?”

Tears formed in Reid’s eyes, but he nodded.

Once he did, the doctor got to work. Moving Reid’s arm to rest on the bed next to the wheelchair and slowly uncovered Reid’s arm. Hotch tried not to look as the staff got to work trying to stop the bleeding but he couldn’t help himself. He looked up to see Reid’s arm coated in bright red, sticky blood and a deep gash going through the middle of his arm.

Too deep.

The idea that Reid might have been trying to kill himself ran through Hotch’s mind before the doctor spoke up.

“Dr. Reid, I need you to stay still.”

Hotch noticed that Reid was shaking and crying. He tried to soothe him with kind, supportive words but he was just getting more and more scared. The doctor nodded to a nurse, who then stepped out and came back with a syringe.

“Dr. Reid, I am going to have my nurse Tracy here give you a little bit of medication to help you relax. It’s just a very mild sedative, you won’t be out for more than an hour or two.” The doctors said but Reid didn’t say anything. He just cried as the nurse gave him the shot in his upper arm,

Immediately, Reid started to slump over, and the nurse left again, coming back with two staff members. They made quick work of moving Reid into the hospital bed while the doctor kept his arm stable. Hotch watched like a hawk as the strangers touched and moved his love.

The doctor got back to work, starting to clean and stitch up the deep wound. When he was almost done, he looked up at Hotch, “How did this happen?”

Hotch wasn’t sure what to say. He knew that the doctor could see the light scars from Reid’s self-harm on his wrists, so it didn’t really matter what he said, he already knew. However, he told Reid that he wouldn’t get sent away to a mental ward, and telling the doctor the truth could very well make that happen. So instead he just said, “I am not sure. I was asleep when it happened.”

The doctor just made a hum and kept working. A few minutes later the doctor finished only a second before his pager when off. “I will be back soon, tell the nurse’s station if he wakes up before I come back.” He said before rushing out of the room.

Hotch looked up at Reid in the hospital bed. He still had blood all over him, but his arm now bared at least a dozen stitches. Hotch felt tears starting to well in his eyes. His mind was racing with what-ifs and whys, but he took a deep breath and took out his phone instead of getting himself lost in his thoughts.

For the first time since he woke up, Hotch looked at the time. It was already a little past six am. Knowing he would already be up, Hotch dialed Morgan, who answered on the second ring

 _“What’s up, Hotch?”_ Morgan said when he answered.

“Hey.. We have a bit of a problem… It’s Spencer..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. This took forever. I was trying to stay away from this fic for a bit as I mention self-harm so much and I was working on myself but that streak was ruined so here I am lol Sorry for the delay though. 
> 
> Let me know what you all think, thank you so much for sticking with me. I will try and get my updates back on track.
> 
> Side note: The book Spencer was trying to read, "Joseph and His Friend: A Story in Pennsylvania" was published in 1870, and is widely considered to be the first American gay novel." I recommend it.


	6. Numb

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 3am and I didn't feel like checking grammar right now but I didn't want to wait to post. I will check my grammar when the sun is out XD

Hotch sat in an uncomfortable chair next to Reid’s hospital bed watching Reid’s stats on the monitor. A few minutes after the doctor left, a nurse came in and hooked Reid to machines in order to track his vitals. She also gave him a saline drip and some non-narcotic pain medicine.

She asked Hotch to leave the room while she took his bloody shirt and pants off but Hotch, of course, refused. Instead, he settled for turning around so she could change him into a gown. Hotch was impressed that the medium-sized nurse could move the dead weight of Reid around so easily but figured that probably wasn’t the best thing. She cleaned most of the blood off of Reid’s skin before leaving.

He tried to ask her if he would be okay, if his arm would heal properly but she politely told him that while he was allowed to wait with him, the staff couldn’t give him any information until Reid woke up and consented.

Hotch’s eyes turned from the monitor to Reid’s arm. They left it uncovered and Hotch felt sick to look at the cut. It wasn’t that he was grossed out, but instead heartbroken over what his boyfriend did to himself. He tried to count the stitches but noticed a circular bruise around the cut. Before he could think much about it, there was a knock on the wall next to the closed hospital curtain.

“Hotch, man? You in here?” It was Morgan. Hotch had explained what happened with Reid when he called him and Morgan insisted on going to the hospital as well.

“Yeah,” Hotch said back and Morgan opened the curtain.

“Shit..” fell out of Morgan’s mouth when he saw Reid sleeping in the hospital bed. His arm was on full display. “He did that to himself?”

Hotch just nodded and Morgan moved to the seat next to him. It was quiet for a few minutes before Morgan spoke up, “How are you holding up?”

Hotch rested his elbows on his legs and put his head in his hands, “I don’t know… I don’t even know what caused this. I woke up, noticed he wasn’t in bed, so I got up and I walked in on him just staring at the blood running out of him… He… He didn’t even seem worried about it.”

“You don’t think.. he was trying to kill himself, do you?” Morgan asked.

Hotch shook his head, “I don’t think so. He is too smart. If he wanted to kill himself, he would have succeeded… The first thing he said when he saw me was, ‘I didn’t mean to. I just needed the teeth to go away’.”

“Teeth? What does that even mean? Do you think he… You know?”

Hotch furrowed his eyebrows, “What?” Hotch studied Morgan’s face before making a guess, “Do I think he is having some type of mental break?”

Morgan nodded, “Yeah, I mean.. He coulda died if you didn’t come to stop the bleeding and take him here, and it sounds like he wasn’t really understanding what was going on.”

“No.. I don’t think that was it. I think it was more that he was in shock that the cut was so deep. Like he didn’t expect it.. Also,” Hotch pointed at Reid’s arm, “There is a circular bruise around his cut. Like he was bit..”

Morgan studied Reid’s arm, “Bit? You guys were home alone right? Maybe he bit himself…”

“We will have to wait until he wakes up to ask…” Hotch said and put his head back in his hands.

A somber silence filled the room before Morgan said, “You know, man.. I asked you how _you_ were doing, and you told me about the kid.” Hotch sat up and glared at Morgan but he wasn’t fazed. “Come on. Talk to me. You have been dealing with him for over a month by yourself.”

“It’s not ‘dealing with him’. I am taking care of him because I love him.” Hotch shot back, earning a smile from Morgan.

“I am sure that makes it even harder.. I mean, this is hard for me and I am not the one dating him. You have helped him recover from two different kidnappings and tortures. I bet this wasn’t even your first time walking in on him bleeding all over the place.” Hotch nodded his head, “See. That takes a toll on someone.”

Hotch huffed. He knew Morgan was right. “I just… It’s hard.” Hotch stopped and looked Morgan in the eyes. Seeing the trust and sincerity on Morgan’s face, he continued. “It’s not even hard for the reasons most people think… I don’t mind helping and taking care of him, or having to be cautious when I touch him, or even not having a sex life. I don’t mind that he cries randomly or will become scared suddenly. I mind that he feels the need to hurt himself like this…”

Hotch stopped for a moment to stare at Reid before continuing, “I was in the other room. I am normally always just in the other room when he does this… And I understand that it’s his body and he can do what he wants, and that it’s just a coping mechanism like so many other things… but… It hurts.” Hotch looked away from Morgan as tears clouded his vision. Morgan just stayed quiet, letting him get everything out.

“He… What would have happened if I didn’t wake up? He was just staring at his arm, not even trying to stop the bleeding.. He could have died on our kitchen floor. I would have woken up to find him dead..” Hotch wiped away a few tears that escaped his eyes. “I just want to help him.. I want to see him get better..”

“You _are_ helping him,” Morgan said and Hotch made a snort of derision. “Really, man. You remember when he stopped letting you help him after Hankel. He was a mess. He stopped eating, sleeping and he tore his arms and legs up and that was after only a few days. You have taken care of him basically non-stop for over a month.” Morgan said but Hotch just nodded. “Have you tried talking to him about it?”

Hotch gave Morgan a sad glare, “I am not going to guilt him into not hurting himself.. He needs to heal from it on his own, not just because it affects me..”

“I am not sayin’ you guilt him. Just let him know how you feel about it.” Hotch opened his mouth to speak but Morgan kept going, “No, don’t tell me that you have before. Do it again. Most likely already knows that it hurts you, and that’s probably why he hides it, but hearing you say it and say it often, will help.”

Hotch leaned back in the chair and gave a noncommittal hum, so Morgan dropped the issue.

The two men sat in silence, watching the small hospital TV hanging from the wall for about thirty more minutes before Reid started to roust. They watched as Reid started to wiggle his fingers and toes and Hotch couldn’t help but smile.

Suddenly, Reid’s eyes flung open and he shot up yelling, “Aaron?!”

Hotch stood up just as fast and went to his side, “Hey, hey. It’s okay. I am right here.”

“W-where am I?” Reid asked before looking around the room and immediately remembering what happened, “Oh… damnit…” Reid said quickly before laying his head back down. “How long was I asleep?”

“About an hour, how are you feeling?” Hotch asked

Reid looked over at his arm, “I am feeling like an idiot..”

Hotch sighed, “Spencer… What were you even thinking? Were you trying to kill yourself?” Hotch asked as gently as he could but there was still a slight bite to his voice.

“No, I wasn’t… I just… I am sorry, Aaron..”

Hotch put his hand over Reid’s, “You could have died, Spencer..”

Reid tried to blink away his tears, “I—I didn’t… That was not my intention.. I am really sorry…” Reid gave Hotch’s hand a squeeze before looking up at his IV and stats monitor. “Am I okay?”

Hotch shrugged, “The nurse wouldn’t tell me anything.”

Morgan stood up, “I will go get the nurse.”

Reid’s head flicked over to where Morgan was, “Morgan.. I didn’t see you there.. What—uhh…”

Morgan answered Reid’s question before he could even ask it, “Hotch called me. It’s good to see you up, kid.”

Reid looked between Morgan and his wounded arm and a light blush rose on his cheeks. “Does… Does the rest of the team know about… this?” 

Hotch spoke up first, “No, not yet.”

“Yet?” Reid asked, shrinking into himself slightly.

“You know Garcia has alerts for everyone. She will see that your name was checked into the ER once she gets to work and she has no chill, she will bust out of her lair and tell the whole floor.” Morgan said with a chuckle, trying to lighten the mood.

It didn’t work. Reid averted his eyes; he was clearly ashamed of what happened, but he didn’t say anything.

“Spencer, do you not want the team to know? You know they would be hurt to not know you were in the hospital.” Hotch asked and Spencer just shrugged. “They won’t think less of you or think your weak” Hotch looked over at Morgan and then back at Spencer, “We don’t think that. We are worried, that is all.”

“I—I am just embarrassed. I feel so weak… But… Yeah, I guess it wouldn’t be bad if they knew… I just don’t like being treated differently.”

Hotch nodded and Morgan moved a little closer to Reid, “Kid, you are one of the strongest people I know. The rest of the team thinks so too.” Reid nodded ever so slightly before Morgan looked over at Hotch and continued, “Now, I am gonna go get that nurse and then head to work. I forgot to tell you, but you left your keys in your car by the ER entrance so they went ahead and put it with valet. Text me for anything, okay?”

They said their goodbyes to Morgan and a few minutes later a nurse and the doctor came into the room.

“Good morning, Dr. Reid. If you don’t remember, my name is Dr. Roberson.” The doctor said as he came into the room.

Reid inclined his bed to sit up and offered a little wave with his good arm. “Uhh, yeah.. Good morning.”

“ _Do_ you remember when you came in, Dr. Reid?” The doctor asked

Reid started to fidget and looked deep in thought before saying, “I… Not really.. I remember Aaron wrapping my arm, talking with him about coming here.. I… Why can’t I remember? Did you give me something?”

He flipped open Reid’s chart and wrote something down. “You were given a light sedative but that would not cause you to forget anything. Do you remember how you got that cut?”

“It was an accident,” Reid answered right away.

“Dr. Reid, I have your chart.” Dr. Roberson said, holding up the chart in his hand, “I read about your medical history, which includes your torture and history with self-harm. Now, do you want to tell me the truth?”

Reid let out a loud sigh, “No.”

“Spencer.. It’s okay.” Hotch said gently, placing his hand back on Reid’s for a moment.

Reid shook his head, “I don’t want to be locked away..”

The doctor gave a gentle smile. “I am not going to simply lock you away. I can suggest you stay in our in-patient mental health center but unless I find you a danger to yourself, then you can just leave.”

“So, I can just leave,” Reid said, already starting to peel himself out of the hospital bed and placing his hand on his IV port in order to pull it out but Hotch stopped him.

“Spencer, stop,” He said, gently pulling Reid’s hand away from the IV port.

Reid pulled his hand from Hotch and flung his legs over the side of the bed, “I want to leave!”

“Dr. Reid.” The doctor said in a much sterner voice than he had used earlier, getting Reid’s attention, and causing a slight flinch in the young man. “I understand that you want to leave and I assure you that I am not going to keep you here any longer than you have to be, but you did lose a fair amount of blood and your mental state needs to be evaluated.”

Reid ignored the comment about his mental state, “What class hemorrhage?”

The nurse standing by the doctor sighed loudly but the doctor just smirked. He liked Reid’s stubborn attitude. “Class II hemorrhage. Do you know what that means?”

“Class II hemorrhage is 750 mL to 1,000 mL or 15% to 30% blood volume lost. It can result in an elevated respiratory rate and pulse rate, decreased blood pressure and urine output as well as a mildly anxious but not yet confused mental status.” Reid stated flatly before looking up at his vitals. “And by the looks of my vitals, I was close to being a class III hemorrhage, which would have resulted in a blood transfusion..”

Dr. Roberson nodded, “You are right. You cut an artery and required several sutures inside your arm as well as fourteen sutures outside.” The doctor moved closer to the side of the bed that Reid’s legs were hanging off of but stopped when he saw the uneasy look on his face. “It’s clear this wasn’t an accident—” He said but Reid tried to interrupt.

“No, I—” 

The doctor didn’t let him get a word in though, “Don’t try and tell me this was an accident. You have a history of cutting, several scars on your arms and if we looked at your thighs I bet we would find more,” Reid instinctively pulled his hospital gown further down his pale legs. “Now, can you tell me what happened?”

Reid hung his head, wishing he still had long hair to shield his face. He stole a peek at Hotch, who was standing next to him. Hotch looked painfully sad. As if he were about to cry. Reid raised his head and looked directly in his eyes. They were slightly red and watery. It hurt. Reid felt impossibly guilty. He had seen Hotch upset before, two kidnappings will do that, but this was different.

He put those tears in his boyfriend’s eyes. He did this to himself.

Reid sighed. He did this, he might as well own up to it.

He looked back up at the doctor, “I cut myself on purpose with a paring knife..” Reid said quietly before adding, “But I didn’t mean for it to be like this! I just…” He let his words die out before he put his legs back on the bed and tucked himself under the blanket, suddenly feeling very exposed in just his hospital gown and boxer briefs, which he was pretty sure had dinosaurs on them.

The doctor looked a little relieved that Reid was honest, “You just what?” Reid shook his head no, so the doctor added, “You know I am the one that determines if you are safe to leave or not, lying will not help you here.”

Reid curled up on himself slightly, “I—I… I don’t want anyone to think I am crazy…”

Hotch frowned, “No one is going to think you are crazy, Spencer. You have been through a lot. We just want to help you.”

Reid looked back up at Hotch, addressing only him, “I… I had a dream—a nightmare. William, he… It happened again in the dream.. I woke up and threw up in the sink,” Reid stopped for a moment, internally cringing at the thought of their kitchen sink still covered with his vomit. “But I noticed.. a bite mark.. on my arm and… I needed it to go away..”

Hotch understood what Reid was trying to say and soothed his hand over Reid’s good arm, making the young genius smile ever so slightly, “Thank you for telling me.” Hotch said quietly.

But the nurse and doctor just looked confused. “Someone bit you?” Dr. Roberson asked.

“I think I did, while I was sleeping…”

“And… Seeing the bite mark was triggering for you?” The doctor asked and Reid gave a sharp nod. “Okay… But you don’t fully remember cutting the bite mark?”

“I only remember parts, which is odd for me.” Reid said before adding, “I have an eidetic memory.”

“Let me ask, Dr. Reid, has this happened to you before? Have you hurt yourself, but you don’t fully remember, or you felt distant from the act?”

Reid nodded, “A few times.. Why?”

“Have you had times you felt separated from the world? For example, if—”

The doctor started before Reid cut him off, “Are you asking me if I have episodes of dissociation?” Dr. Roberson nodded and Reid continued, “I have diagnosed PTSD and depression. Dissociation is a symptom of these.” He said plainly.

“I am well aware,” Dr. Roberson looked at Reid’s chart, “But I can see you are not on any medication for it. While there is not a direct medication for episodes of dissociation, anti-anxiety medicine can do wonders for it. Do—”

“No.” Reid cut in. “I do not want even more medication.”

“Dr. Reid, this is not debatable. I do not think you are a danger to yourself but when you are in a dissociated state, you are.”

Reid wanted to argue with the doctor, tell him that he was not a danger to himself even if he were dissociating, but he knew that would just be a lie.

This was not the first time he had issues with dissociating. He had been having episodes of dissociation since he came back from Hankel. He attacked Hotch and Morgan several times after a nightmare. He tried to offer himself to them as well. He felt like he was in a fog sometimes, as if he were not actually connected to the world around him, which is one reason he was easily able to step away from his friends during his month of leave.

Reid huffed, “Fine.. But I do not want Benzodiazepines. I do not want to deal with drowsiness as a main side effect.”

Dr. Roberson chuckled, “Very well. That leaves several options—”

“SSRIs, SNRIs, Hydroxyzine, Buspirone, or Beta-Blockers,” Reid said before the doctor could.

“Well, looks like I won’t have to explain your options to you. Which one were you wanting to try?”

Reid thought for a moment, “SSRIs are mostly just used for depression and I am already on an anti-depressant. Hydroxyzine and Buspirone can also cause drowsiness and can have some annoying side effects and Beta-Blockers are more for typical anxiety attacks. I would say SNRIs, specifically Cymbalta. I read a study with Cymbalta once and I was impressed by the results.”

Dr. Roberson wrote something down in Reid’s chart before handing it to the nurse, who then left the room. “She will get that ready for you.”

“So, I can leave?” Reid asked

“Not yet.” The doctor said and Reid let out an exaggerated groan, causing Hotch to smile. “I want to get you started on that medicine now and watch you for negative reactions before you leave. You also need to finish that saline bag and rest. You did lose a lot of blood. The nurse will be back with your medicine in a few minutes and I will see you in a few hours. Rest up, Dr. Reid.” He said before taking his leave.

The two men didn’t move or speak, until the nurse came back. Reid complained again but took his blue and yellow capsule pill with a paper cup of water.

Once the nurse left, Reid turned to Hotch. “I am really sorry..”

“I know, baby…” Hotch said but he didn’t look up at Reid. Instead, he kept his eyes fixed at his own feet, which wasn’t like Hotch at all, but he was sure if he looked at Reid, he would lose it.

No one ever tells you how hard it is loving someone with depression.

“No.. You are upset, Aaron. Please.. Talk to me..” Reid reached out and grabbed Hotch’s hand, causing him to look over. Reid saw the tears that lingered in his boyfriend’s eyes and he wanted to swear off ever cutting himself again right then and there. He wanted to promise with all his heart that he would never hurt himself on purpose again if it meant Hotch would be happy, but he knew it wasn’t that easy.

Reid scooted over in the hospital bed, silently inviting Hotch to sit down next to him. Hotch didn’t hesitate to climb into bed next to the love he almost lost, again. He looked down at Reid’s lap, where his wounded arm was sitting. Carefully he reached over and ran his finger around the circular bruise on his arm around the large cut.

They sat there for several minutes as Hotch ran his fingers across self-inflicted scars and around his new stitches before Hotch finally spoke up, “I can’t lose you, Spencer. I love you so much.. It hurts when you do this to yourself. I—I am not mad at you or trying to guilt you but… You should know just how much this affects me..” Hotch leaned his head on Reid’s shoulder.

Reid couldn’t see Hotch’s face from the angle but could hear the older man sniffle. He knew he was crying. Reid could feel his heartbreaking. He had never really seen Hotch cry before but now he was, over something he did.

Reid pulled Hotch to lay on his chest for a change and ran his good hand through his short dark hair. “I love you more than I thought was possible.. I am so sorry, love..” Reid continued to whisper his love and apologies to Hotch, long after Hotch told him that he didn’t need to and long after Hotch’s tears subsided.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch woke up to a knock on the hospital wall outside of the pulled curtain. He didn’t even realize that he had fallen asleep on Reid. He quickly pulled himself off Reid’s chest, sat up, and tried to smooth out his hair and clothes before saying, “Come in.”

“Ahh, I see someone is still sleeping.” Dr. Roberson says as he comes into the room.

“Still?” Hotch asks

The doctor looks over at the clock on the wall, “You two have been asleep for a couple hours. One of my nurses said you two looked quite comfortable.” He said with a smirk and Hotch felt a slight blush rise on his cheeks at the thought of someone seeing him, the big bad Unit Chief of the BAU in the FBI, curled up on his boyfriend’s chest. “You should probably wake him up.” The doctor said, pulling out a form from his chart. “I have his discharge papers.”

“You think he is safe to leave?” Hotch asked, feeling like he had asked that question at least three times at different hospitals for the young man.

“I do not think he is going to kill himself and that is why he is able to leave. We cannot do much for adults that self-harm as long as they are not a suicide risk. In my opinion, he really did not mean to cut that deep, but he was acting on impulse and fear in a dissociative state. That medicine should help his dissociation and stop this incident from happening again, but that does not mean he will stop harming himself in general.” The doctor paused for a moment. He walked closer to the bed and look at Reid’s arm without touching him.

“This should heal just fine. He doesn’t need to cover it but don’t get it too wet. His sutures will dissolve in a week or two. All the info is in the discharge papers. A nurse will be in in a few minutes to disconnect him from the monitors. You two be safe.” Dr. Roberson said as he sat the discharge paperwork on the end of the bed and left.

Hotch gently ran his hand across Reid’s hair a few times, “Baby, come on. You need to wake up.”

Reid groaned and turned himself towards Hotch, curling up on him, “No, thanks.”

“We can go home now but you know, if you don’t want to wake up—” Hotch started but Reid sat right up.

“I’m up, I’m up. I can really leave?”

Hotch nodded but before he could say anything the nurse came in. She made quick work of taking Reid off his monitors and IV. She then went into the cabinet in the room and pulled out a light purple pair of scrubs, telling him that his clothes were too bloody for him to leave in. She also gave him an orange bottle with more of his new medication in it, which Hotch quickly took and put in his pocket, ignoring Reid’s glare, before leaving.

Once the nurse left, Reid pulled himself out of the hospital bed, dropped his gown in one fluid motion. He was wearing dinosaur boxer briefs, which made Hotch smile. He pulled on his scrubs, careful to avoid touching his arm, and turned to Hotch. “Can we please leave now, love?”

Hotch leaned in a kissed Reid on the top of his head, “Of course.”

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The two men got Hotch’s car from the valet and once Reid got in the car he pulled his messenger bag out from the back seat and set it on his lap. He let out a light hum at the weight of it as he started clicking the side button of the back on and off, repeatedly.

They stopped for some breakfast and coffee, even though it was past noon. Hotch parked in the parking lot for a moment while they got their meals together. “I need to call Morgan and tell him you are out.” Hotch thought out loud.

Reid took a sip of his iced caramel macchiato, “No. Let’s head to work.”

“You cannot be serious, Spencer. You just got out of the hospital, you are wearing a pair of scrubs and I am in a white undershirt with some blood still on it. We are not ready to go to work. I am not even sure if you should go tomorrow either.”

Reid gave an angry pout. “I _am_ serious. I read my discharge paperwork, all it said was that I needed to take it easy on my arm, drink extra water, and eat a high iron diet. It never stated that I couldn’t go to work. Also, I don’t care about being in scrubs. It’s just the office and the team, they have seen me in worse. Plus, you have a spare dress shirt and tie in the trunk you can put on.”

Hotch took a bite of his banana nut muffin and passed the blueberry one over to Reid. “Why do you even need to go to the office? The team already delivered the profile to the Richmond PD and finished the family and friend interviews. Now they are just at Quantico with Garcia, trying to find any link they can.”

Reid set the muffin on the car’s dash, opened his messenger bag, and pulled out his notebook. “I wrote down everything I could remember about the people I saw when I was at my support group. I need to give it to Garcia.”

Hotch took another bite of his muffin before putting it on the dash as well and taking the notebook. He flipped through the multiple pages of Reid’s chicken scratch handwriting, which looked even worse due to his stress and exhaustion. “When did you write all this?”

“Last night. I couldn’t sleep.”

Hotch huffed, “Why didn’t you get me up? I could have helped..”

Reid looked away and started to fidget with his bag again. “I know.. Sorry..” Hotch reached over and rubbed Reid’s knee, as if to tell him it was okay. The two men ate in silence before Reid tried to change the topic, “Why was the TV on a house-hunting network?”

Hotch chuckled at the random question, “I just like watching them sometimes.”

“You are interested in buying a house?”

Hotch looked Reid in the eyes and gave a warm smile, “Maybe one day.”

Hotch didn’t need to say what he meant; Reid understood. He leaned across the cup holders and caught Hotch’s lips with his own. They both melted into the kiss. It was passionate without being vulgar. “That would be nice,” Reid said when they broke the kiss.

Hotch hummed his agreement and finished the last bite of his muffin. “Now, hurry up and eat so we can head to work.”

Reid sat up a little taller, “Really? We can go?”

“Yes, but only for a few minutes so you can give that the Garcia and I can check in with the team. Besides, if you don’t go see them then I am sure they will show up at our apartment sometime later today.”

“That wouldn’t be too bad.. I miss seeing them.” Reid said, feeling embarrassed again for having shut them out.

Hotch nodded, “Well you have had a long day but if you are feeling up to it then we can invite them over for dinner, okay?”

Reid smiled brightly and nodded his head. Hotch tried to soak up every inch of Reid’s smile, committing it to memory in order to flush out the images of his boyfriend almost bleeding to death just a few hours earlier.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch pulled into the FBI parking deck and went to pull into his spot when he noticed a truck was already parked there. Morgan’s truck. “Damnit, Derek Morgan.” Hotch said loudly.

Reid, who was focused on drinking the last sips of his coffee, looked up and without thinking said, “No, I am Spencer Reid.”

Hotch laughed, “I know that, baby. Look,” Hotch gestured toward his parking spot that held Morgan’s truck. “Morgan parked in my parking spot.”

Reid shrugged, “Just park in mine.”

“You _have_ a parking spot? You don’t drive.”

“Of course I do, everyone gets one,” Reid said with a nod. “Mine is on the 6th level though, the furthest away from the elevator.”

“Uhh, no thanks.” Hotch drove a row away and pulled into a space labeled, _SSA DEREK MORGAN_. “I will just park in Morgan’s spot.”

Reid got out of the car and pulled his messenger bag over his head while Hotch went around to the trunk, took out, and put on his spare shirt and tie. Once he was done, Reid looked around, making sure no one was around, before throwing his arms around Hotch’s neck and pulling him close for a hug. Hotch was a little caught off guard but held around his thin hips all the same. Reid gave a content hum and rested his head on Hotch’s shoulder. “Thank you, love.” Reid said as he pulled away.

“For what?”

“Just being you..” Reid said with a smile before turning to head to the building.

They passed through security and into the building quickly, which Hotch was thankful for. Even though Reid said he didn’t care about being in only scrubs, he realized he didn’t take into account all of the other FBI members he would see on the way to the bullpen. He looked embarrassed and a little scared.

When the two men walked into the bullpen, Reid let out a sigh as if he just walked through the front door of his home. They could see the team sitting around the conference table so decided to head up. Reid put his hurt arm against his torso, holding his messenger bag strap before Hotch opened the door.

JJ was the first one to notice, “Hotch, Spence?” She got up and walked over to Spencer as the rest of the team turned to look at Hotch and Reid. “What are you two doing here? I thought you were going to take the rest of the day off?”

“Aaron thought that too,” Reid said with a grin and JJ smiled back.

“How are you feeling, pretty boy?” Morgan asked from the front of the table.

“Uh.. I am fine.” Reid pulled his injured arm closer to himself before sighing and sticking it out for everyone to see. Morgan, Rossi, and Emily didn’t seem to react. JJ sucked in a breath of air but tried to stay unaffected but Garcia, who was already walking up to the two, said, “Oh my God, sweetie..”

She reached out slowly and held his upturned hand in her own, studying the large wound before looking up at Reid, who once again looked ashamed. “I—I don’t understand this, pumpkin.. Why?”

“Baby girl…” Morgan warned from the other side of the room, but Reid shook his head.

“It’s okay.. I don’t understand it either, I am really sorry..” Reid said, barely above a whisper.

Garcia smiled, “No need to be sorry. Just… You know we are here for you, right?” Reid nodded. “Good. Cause we all are, no matter what.” Garcia pulled Reid’s hand up to her mouth, turned it over and kissed the top of it, leaving a bright pink lipstick mark. Reid laughed in response and everyone in the room smiled at the sound.

Everyone moved back around the conference table. Emily looked Reid up and down, “Nice scrubs, doctor.”

Reid looked down at himself, “They are comfortable. I guess I will have to get my medical degree now.”

“Oh, that should only take _you_ about two years.” Rossi cut in.

“One, tops.” Reid said with a smirk as he sat down next to Hotch.

Reid got his notebook out, gave it to Garcia and explained what it was. She flipped through it and cringed. There were far too many details, but she said she would work on it. Hotch went next, asking where the team was in the case. They explained that they had no leads besides the support groups. They found that all four support groups met on Wednesdays, Fridays and Sundays so using Reid’s geological profile Garcia found every support group in the comfort area that met those three days, which was five groups once you took out the woman only groups. All of the victims had been men. They decided that they were each go to a support group and keep an eye out for anything out of place.

“Well, how are we going to decide who goes to what group?” Morgan asked

“Way ahead of you, my Chocolate God,” Garcia got a paper coffee cup, wrote something on a piece of paper, and cut the paper into sections, placing the paper in the cup. “Who wants to go first?”

Emily shot up and grabbed a paper from the cup first, “Domestic violence. Not bad, I can do that.”

JJ went next, “Childhood abuse. Oh, great..” JJ said with a huff.

Rossi laughed when he picked his, “Alcoholics Anonymous. Is someone trying to say something?”

“No take-backs,” Morgan said as he picked a paper himself, “Ugh, great. Sexual abuse survivors.” Morgan groaned.

With only one more paper left, Garcia took it out and handed it to Hotch. “Shit, really?” Hotch said as he read his group that he was going to go to with Reid.

Reid leaned over, “What is it?”

“Support group for Self-Injury and Depression”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! Thank you!


	7. With You

Hotch wanted to take Reid home right away but a few minutes after the support groups were divided out, Strauss came in with a slew of paperwork that Hotch needed to finish by the end of the day. He tried to get someone else from the team to take Reid home, but he refused, and no one wanted to deal with Reid’s stubbornness.

Reid took the opportunity to visit Garcia in her lair while Hotch was distracted. He knocked on her door and she yelled, “Come on in Hot Chocolate!”

Reid opened the door, “Sorry to disappoint but—” he started but Garcia spun her computer chair around and stopped him in his tracts.

“No way, pumpkin! You are never a disappointment!” Garcia said with a bright smile, “What can I do for you today?”

Reid moved over to sit in the computer chair next to Garcia, spinning a few times before answering her, “I was wondering something, but I don’t want you to tell Aaron..”

Garcia let out a giggle, “I am still not used to you calling him Aaron, but I am a vault!” Garcia said, dramatically making a zipped lip motion.

Reid cocked his eyebrow at her, “You know you gossip more than anyone else in the BAU, right?”

Garcia put her hand over her heart, “I am hurt, Dr. Reid!” She feigned.

“Would you like statistics?” Reid asked, partially joking but fully able to give statistics on Garcia’s gossip rates.

Garcia laughed, “No, Boy Wonder. I will take your word for it, but I won’t blab, okay? What is it that we are keeping away from the G-man?”

Reid spun in his chair a few more times before stopping and taking his old silver wristwatch off. He wore the watch almost every day but for some reason, he didn’t put it on before he was kidnapped by Hankel. Since then he had almost completely stopped wearing it because he felt it brought more attention to his handcuff scars, but an idea had struck him one day while he was out with Hotch.

Hotch didn’t like for Reid to get too far out of his sight. He knew it was probably paranoid of him but having your partner kidnapped twice in the span of six months will do that to a person. They were at a library and Reid had wandered off while lost in a book. Hotch was looking everywhere for him, and when he finally found him he said, _‘We need to get you a tracker or something’._ Reid didn’t think much of it at the time, just a joke, but as he got back to work, it didn’t seem like the worst idea.

“I was wondering if there was a way to put a tracker in my watch?” Reid said, handing the watch over to Garcia.

“Hmmm…” Garcia looked carefully at the watch, “I would say so, but it would be a lot easier if you just got a smartwatch or something.”

“A what?”

Garcia laughed again, “Nothing, pumpkin. Don’t worry about it.” She put the watch on her table and rolled herself over to the cabinet, pulling out a pink and purple box before rolling back over. She proceeded to take out a small set of screwdrivers and unscrewed the back panel of the watch before looking back up at Reid. “Yeah, I have something that will work with this but it’s going to take a few minutes. Here,” Garcia tossed Reid a purple Orbeez stress ball that was in the shape of a heart. It was his favorite to stim with when he was in her lair. “Just relax while I set this up.”

Reid did as she said. He spun in the computer chair while playing with the stress ball and let his mind go blank. He always found Garcia’s lair comforting. All of the monitors could be a bit much when they were all on but right now most of them had a dark blue FBI screen saver on them, so the light was at the perfect level. Reid had lost all sense of time by the time Garcia said she was finished.

“Alright, put that back on,” Garcia said as she handed him his watch and Reid slipped it back on. “Notice any difference?”

Reid shook his head, “No, it feels and looks the same. What did you do?”

“Many old-fashion watches, like yours, have an extra watch battery included under the back panel. I just removed the extra battery and added a tracker. Just come to me when the battery needs replaced.” Garcia said before rolling back over to her computer and starting to type.

Reid wanted to ask how she already had a tracker, really one the correct size, but it was better not to question Garcia. Instead, he asked, “So, you can see wherever I am?”

“Mhmm, see look,” Garcia stopped typing and moved away from her screen so that Reid could see it. On the screen was a map with a little location mark in the middle. “That’s you. I can’t see what floor you are on, but I can narrow down to what area of the building. Just don’t forget to put it on and I will always be able to find you, sound good sweetness?”

Reid smiled, “Thank you, Garcia. Really. This means a lot.” He was glad that Garcia didn’t ask him why he wanted a tracker or if he felt unsafe. Truthfully, he didn’t feel in danger. He was normally always around Hotch, or someone else he trusted. He just would rather have something, just in case. “Thanks for not telling Aaron, too,” Reid added.

Garcia cocked her head to the side, “I won’t tell him sugar, but I have to wonder why you wouldn’t want to tell him something as simple as a tracker. He might feel more comfortable with you having it as well.”

Reid handed the stress ball back to Garcia, “I just don’t want him to think I am scared to go back to work or anything.. I will tell him soon, just not yet. Today has been long enough..”

Reid watched as Garcia’s eyes went down to his cut arm before looking back up at him. Reid, feeling self-conscious, wrapped his arm around his waist. The movement didn’t go unnoticed by Garcia, “Oh… Sorry, sweetie.. I didn’t mean— Are you sure your okay?”

Reid sighed and pulled his arm out in front of him, running his fingers over the pink, stitched up, skin. “I really didn’t mean for this to happen… The doctor.. umm…” Reid stopped for a moment. He felt strange talking about his issues with Garcia. Then again, she was the one that cut his hair in the hospital restroom while he was naked and crying after he was kidnapped by William.

Reid ran his hand through his short hair before continuing, “He gave me some medication that should help.. Anti-anxiety… I already feel a little lighter. I know it doesn’t work right away but something is different. Aaron already called my therapist too. She increased some of my medications and I will be seeing her tomorrow.. It will be okay.” Reid said with a light smile as he looked back up at Garcia.

She had tears in her eyes, but she smiled widely, “I am so proud of you, Spencer. Can I.. Can I give you a hug?”

Reid stood up and held his arms out. He didn’t need to say anything, Garcia was already wrapping him up in a warm embrace.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hotch and Reid spent several more hours at the office before everyone started to wrap up for the day. They grabbed some fast food and ate it on the drive home. They didn’t talk about what would be waiting for them in the kitchen but they both knew the bloody mess that needed to be dealt with. Once they stepped in the front door the sick smell of pennies and vomit hit them, so Hotch got straight to work.

Reid stood in the doorway watching the older man in front of him clean his blood off the floor. He asked repeatedly if he could help but each time he was turned down. Instead, Reid made himself useful by changing the sheets on the bed, picking up some things around their apartment, taking his extra doses and new medication, and even setting out a sleep shirt and clean boxers for Hotch. It was still early but Reid couldn’t think of anything he would rather do besides curl up in bed with Hotch and sleep.

That was until he finished what he was doing and started watching Hotch clean again. Hotch was normally unflappable but once again, Reid noticed Hotch start to tear up and a light sniffle came from him.

Spencer grabbed a washcloth off the kitchen table and got down on the floor to help Hotch. Once he started to scrub his own blood off the dark hardwood floors, Hotch looked up. “Spencer, I said I got this. Why don’t you go lay down?”

“I don’t want to lay down unless it’s with you. Besides, I made this mess.”

“Reid..” Hotch warned. He didn’t want to be too bossy, but he was seconds away from breaking down in tears and he didn’t want Reid to see that.

“You know that only works in the office, love,” Reid said with a coy smile, and Hotch couldn’t help but smile back.

The two men cleaned the blood in silence before Reid moved over and cleaned out the kitchen sink. Reid’s presence seemed to calm Hotch down. By the time they finished and made their way to the bedroom, Hotch’s face had softened and his eyes had dried.

Hotch walked into the bedroom first. He smiled at the sleep clothes on the bed before going up to the dresser and starting to get ready for bed. Reid moved over to sit on the bed and watched as he took off his watch and placed it on the dresser, followed by his wallet, then belt. He unbuttoned the top of his pants but left them on, toed off his socks, and started to unbutton his dress shirt. Reid couldn’t help but watch as more and more skin was being displayed.

Reid was overcome with the desire to touch his skin, all of it. All of him. He suddenly didn’t want to stick to t-shirts and covered legs. He wanted to feel the warmth of the man in front of him. He wanted to _show_ Hotch how grateful he was for him, for his love, and not because he felt he needed to in order to be _good_. He simply wanted too.

Hotch pulled his dress shirt off, followed by his undershirt and Reid licked his lips. He didn’t know why the feeling was so strong. He felt it deep in his stomach, but he knew if he acted on it, he might freak out again. Hotch made it clear that he would never make him feel bad or be angry about Reid stopping intimate moments, and so far that was true, but he was still embarrassed by it.

Reid also knew that they had both had a long, highly emotional day but when Hotch walked over to him, shirtless with the top of his pants undone, and told him he was going to jump in the shower, he couldn’t stop the words from falling out of his mouth.

“Shower with me.”

Hotch stopped dead in his tracks, “I—What?”

Reid blushed and looked away, “I mean.. If you want..”

“You.. You want to shower with me?”

“Is t-that okay?” Reid said, worrying on his lip.

Hotch gave a soft smile and walked back up to Reid, “Of course, baby. I just don’t want to scare you.”

Reid took a moment to think about his words before saying, “Honestly.. I might get scared. Not of you, you know. Just the situation.. but I still want to try.. I want to feel your skin..”

Hotch nodded and took Reid’s hand. “That sounds nice, just be open with me if you start to feel uncomfortable, okay?” Reid nodded and pulled Hotch towards the bathroom.

Hotch turned on the water and turned back to face Reid, who was just standing there, still wearing the scrubs he had gotten from the hospital. He wanted this, he asked for it, but standing in the middle of the bathroom he found it hard to will himself to take his clothes off.

Hotch could tell that Reid was nervous so he went first. He slipped his pants off, kicking them to the side of the room, before putting his hands on the waistband of his black designer boxers. Reid wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be staring or not, but he definitely was.

He was suddenly aware of the fact that he had never seen Hotch completely naked. The one time that he gave Hotch a hand job, he didn’t even take him out of his boxers.

Hotch pulled him out of his thoughts, “You sure this is okay?” Reid nodded, a little too eagerly, which made Hotch smile. In one smooth motion, Hotch pulled down his boxers, letting them pool at his feet before kicking them over to the side of the room as well.

The sight of Hotch’s naked body before him shot straight to Reid’s crotch. He shifted awkwardly and it didn’t take a profiler to see he was turned on. Hotch grinned and opened the shower curtain, “Come in when your ready, baby.” He said before he stepped in and shut the curtain.

Reid ran his hands along the seam of his shirt. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous. Hotch had seen him naked several times already and he didn’t feel scared to be around Hotch while he was naked.

He took a deep breath and pulled his scrub top over his head before tossing it into the corner of the room to join Hotch’s clothes. Trying hard not to give it much thought, he pulled down his pants and boxer briefs in one tug and kicked them to the corner of the room as well.

He purposely didn’t look in the mirror so that he didn’t lose his confidence as he moved in front of the closed shower curtain. He could hear Hotch on the other side moving around in the water. He could smell his rain scented shampoo and Reid wanted to be engulfed in the comforting scent. While his nerves were eating at him, his desire to be close to Hotch was stronger. He opened the curtain just enough to slip himself inside.

Hotch smirked and looked the young man up and down. Reid’s hands automatically moved his crotch to cover himself but Hotch kept looking. However, he wasn’t being lude. His eyes simply drifted to his long bare legs, to the soft curve of his waist to the sharp points of his collarbone and jawline. “You are so beautiful,” Hotch said in a soft, gentle tone and Reid felt himself relax slightly.

Reid couldn’t blame Hotch for looking at him, as he couldn’t peel his eyes away from Hotch’s body. His body was just like his personality, strong and masculine. He had a warm tan, dark body hair, and carefully carved out muscles. While he wasn’t as build as Morgan, his body was strong and handsome. _Like Zeus.. No, Apollo. He was considered to be the most handsome of the Greek Gods._ Reid thought as his eyes continued to go down, memorizing freckles and scars from years in the field, eyes following the manly trail of hair until they reached— His eyes shot back up. _Wow.._

Reid quickly turned around as he felt his cock twitch with interest. _Damn.. I see him naked once and I am already getting hard. How embarrassing.._

“Hey, you okay?” Hotch asked from behind him. 

Reid nodded, even though he was facing the opposite direction. “Yeah, I just…” Reid squirmed a little where he stood, and he didn’t need to finish his sentence.

“Baby, it’s okay. Don’t be embarrassed, it’s a good thing.” Hotch said and Reid nodded again. He knew Hotch was right. Getting an accidental erection was much better than a panic attack.

Reid bit his lip and turned around, avoiding eye contact with Hotch but Hotch moved his face to meet Reid’s eye line. “Come on, let’s clean up.” Hotch grabbed Reid’s lavender shampoo, “Can I touch you?”

“You know you don’t have to ask,” Reid said with a smile as he turned back around so Hotch could wash his hair.

“Yes, I do,” Hotch said before working the shampoo into Reid’s short golden hair. The meaning behind his words was clear though, _your consent is important._ Reid hummed is approval at Hotch washing his hair. He made quick work of rinsing all of the shampoo out before saying, “Now, short hair I can wash.” They both laughed, remembering the mediocre job Hotch did washing Reid’s hair after Hankel.

They both grabbed their own body washes, washing themselves. Reid wanted to wash Hotch, run his hands all over his body, but baby steps. Once they were almost done, Hotch asked, “Can I wash your back?”

“Uhh.. My back..” Reid let his words die out but, again, Hotch already knew what he was getting at.

“Spencer, your scars don’t bother me. I love you, scars and all.”

 _What did I do to deserve a man like this?_ Reid thought before “Yes, please.” Reid said, facing away from him again. He flinched slightly when Hotch put his hands on his bare back and Hotch stilled. “Sorry, it’s okay.” Hotch kept going, running his hands over rough scars. Reid leaned back into his touch, gently pushing back until they were both under the stream of water and Hotch’s chest was flush with his back.

Hotch wrapped his arms around Reid’s waist and Reid let out a light moan when he felt Hotch’s crotch against his backside, which didn’t help the erection he had been fighting. Hotch ran his hands down Reid’s sides and gently rubbed them over his scarred thighs.

Reid looked down and watched Hotch’s hands on his thighs, so close to his cock that was now straining against his stomach. He wasn’t supposed to be this turned on. This wasn’t supposed to have been about sex, just enjoying Hotch’s skin and company. Well, he was enjoying it alright.

“Aaron…” Reid all but whined.

Hotch, who was starting to pepper kisses along the back of Reid’s neck, said “Yes, baby?

“I—” _Fuck baby steps.._ Reid put his hand on top of Hotch’s and moved him over to cock, “T-touch m-me..”

Hotch’s breath hitched as his hand grasped around Reid’s cock. He was unbelievably hard. Hotch pumped his hand once and could already feel pre-cum pooling at his tip as Reid let out a beautiful moan.

Hotch took a deep breath, willing himself to calm down. Reid wasn’t just letting him touch him; he was giving him his trust, something he didn’t have much of. “Are you sure, Spencer?”

“Y-yes, yes. Please..”

 _Fuck.._ “Okay, we can stop at any time for any reason. I won’t be upset at all.” Hotch reminded him before getting right back to work. He moved his left hand over Reid’s chest, teasing his nipples and soothing over his tight stomach while his right hand slowly moved up and down his length, earning the sweetest sounds from Reid’s mouth.

Hotch was quickly getting more and more turned on and his own erection was getting harder to hide. With his crotch still pushed firmly against Reid’s ass, he tried to back up slightly but the angle combined with the limited space of the shower only gave him a few inches of space, which was definitely not enough room to conceal his length. Instead, it seemed to just free up more room for his cock to swell and slot right in the little gap between Reid’s thighs.

Hotch worried for a moment that that would scare Reid but instead Reid moaned out Hotch’s name, “Aahh Aaron..” as the cock in his hand twitched.

He didn’t need anymore reassuring. He picked up his pace and kissed along the back and sides of Reid’s neck. He stopped near a pulse point and sucked gently. Reid let out a light gasp and bucked his crotch into Hotch’s hand.

Hotch wanted to talk to Reid, tell him how hot he was, how good he was doing, but he wasn’t sure what words would be triggering for the young man, so he stayed quiet. He gave his mouth another job, leaving light marks trailing down Reid’s neck to his shoulder.

Suddenly, he felt Reid still again but this time he didn’t snap right back. He let out a small whimper and Hotch let go of his cock and backed up, “Hey, baby. You still with me?” Reid took a shaken breath and Hotch started to worry. He pulled Reid’s shoulder, causing him to turn around and face him. “Spencer, talk to me.”

“I—Sorry..” Reid blinked a few times and shook his head before looking back up at Hotch, “I am fine, really. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. What happened? Was it something I did?” Hotch asked. He wanted to know so he didn’t make the same mistake again.

“No.. I mean.. Your mouth.. I was really enjoying that but when you got to my shoulder..” Reid said, reaching back and rubbing his shoulder.

“Oh..” Hotch had completely forgotten that he was sucking a mark right around the spot that his father used to bite while he abused him. “I didn’t think—"

Reid smiled and pushed himself back into Hotch, reaching around him to turn off the slowly cooling water, before wrapping his arms around his neck and giving him a passionate kiss. “Don’t worry about it… Can we take this to the bed?”

Hotch’s eyebrows shot up, “The bed? I just scared you, are you sure?”

“You didn’t scare me. It’s just my mind messing with me, but I am fine now.. plus, I don’t want to go.. all the way just.. you know.”

“But I might do something to scare you again and—” Hotch started but Reid cut him off.

“Yeah, maybe.. But I trust you.” Reid moved his crotch closer to Hotch’s, rubbing them together and Hotch sucked in a breath of air. “I want to be close with you, is that okay?”

Hotch was speechless. He didn’t know if it was the new medication, yet another near-death experience or just the love Reid felt for Hotch that was giving him the confidence and strength to act this way, but he wasn’t going to argue. He nodded his head and they both climbed out of the shower, grabbed towels, and tried to dry themselves off in between making out.

Hands grabbed soft skin and tongues intertwined as they walked, Hotch walking backwards, to the bed. Hotch hit the bed first, sitting down on the edge without breaking contact with Reid. They continued to kiss as Reid started to get more adventurous with his hands, working them along the tops of Hotch’s thighs while getting closer and closer to Hotch’s cock.

Right before his hands got there he stopped and pulled away from Hotch, “I—uhh… I want to try something..” Hotch went to speak up but Reid kept going, “I… I might freak out though.. Not be able to finish what I started but I—I still want to t-try and—”

Hotch cut Reid off as he was starting to trip over his own words, “Spencer, we could stop right now, and I would be fine with that. I told you, anytime for any reason and I will never get mad.” Hotch said and Reid nodded. “Okay, what is it you want to try? I don’t want you to push yourself.”

Reid blushed; he was never one to say vulgar things but what he wanted to try wasn’t exactly innocent.

Ever since his father assaulted him in Las Vegas, he felt guarded about his mouth when it came to Hotch. He knew that Hotch had seen him get raped by Hankel and that he walked in on his father raping him, but this was different.

His boyfriend _heard_ his father rape his mouth. His father talked to his boyfriend _while_ he was doing it. They interacted while Reid cooperated. Hotch begged him to stop.. It weighed heavily on Reid.

But now.. He wanted to try and change that. Not only that, but seeing Hotch naked, hard, and oh so hot, he wanted to put his mouth all over him. He actually _really_ _wanted_ to taste him, feeling him heavy on his tongue.

Reid couldn’t find the words he needed to explain this to Hotch so instead, he sung down on his knees in front of Hotch, looked down at his straining erection before looking Hotch in the eyes and licking his lips.

A small moan escaped Hotch’s lips and Reid knew he understood what he was getting at.

“Uh.. Wow, umm.. Are you sure? You don’t—” Hotch started but Reid ran his hands up Hotch’s thighs again, stopping him in his tracks.

“I want too. Can I?”

 _Fuck that’s hot.._ “Yes, baby. Of course. I—Is there anything I can do to help?” Hotch asked. There was no right way to ask what someone can do to not trigger someone else.

Reid grasped the base of Hotch’s cock before slowly moving forward and running his tongue along his head, licking up the pre-cum that had started to leak out. Hotch’s mouth dropped open as he gasped. Reid leaned back up and looked at Hotch, “Just umm.. Don’t thrust up and don’t tell me.. that I am doing _good_.. please.”

“Of course, baby,” Hotch said quietly and Reid smiled before bringing his attention right back to Hotch’s cock.

He worked slowly, licking along the underneath, tracing veins, and applying just the right amount of pressure before giving a few more licks to the head and looking up at Hotch, “Sweet.. It’s sweet..” Reid said.

He watched as Hotch bit his lip, suppressing a moan. Reid smiled and licked the head one more time before suddenly taking Hotch deep into his throat while making direct eye contact with Hotch. He couldn’t suppress the moan this time. He threw his head back and grasped at the sheets, willing himself not to move his hips an inch.

Reid would never admit it, but he knew how to do this, and to do it well. He was trained for years on how to suck dick and that wasn’t just something someone could forget. He gave his late boyfriend, Stephen, oral a few times, and he knew Stephen enjoyed it every time, even though he didn’t. He wasn’t put off or triggered by doing it. It just was more of a chore than something he enjoyed.

This time though, with Hotch’s cock pumping in and out of his mouth, his sweet taste, and the loving look Hotch gave Reid, he was loving it.

A few minutes in Hotch was already feeling close, but he noticed Reid close his eyes and his breathing picked up, even though he never stopped what he was doing. “Baby,” Hotch placed a hand on Reid’s shoulder, “Look at me, please.” Reid looked up and blinked a few times, like he did in the shower.

“Sorry.. I didn’t mean to do that.. It just— Can I keep going?” Reid asked.

“I don’t think—” Hotch started but, again, Reid wouldn’t hear it.

“Please, Aaron.. I was e-enjoying that..” Reid said and Hotch looked down to see Reid’s own cock leaking and hard against his stomach. _Wow.._

“Okay, baby but eyes on me. Don’t shut them, okay?” Hotch said and Reid agreed, keeping eye contact as he went back to sucking Hotch’s well-endowed cock.

As Reid worked up and down on Hotch, he started moaning, sending vibrations up Hotch. He couldn’t hold on anymore “God.. Mmm.. I’m gonna—Fuck…” Hotch expected Reid to back off so he wouldn’t cum in his mouth, but he kept going, moaning even louder around his cock. He watched Reid’s hand go down between his own legs and start touching himself. “Ohh.. Wow… Baby.. I’m—” Hotch threw his head back again and placed his hands on Reid’s shoulders as he came on Reid’s tongue.

Reid moved his hand even faster, cumming in his own hand as soon has he tasted Hotch’s cum on his tongue. He swallowed down every drop, and not because he had to, but because he _wanted_ to. He sat up and tried to get his breath back as his mind was swirling with different emotions.

He felt on top of the world for being able to have the strength to be so intimate with his boyfriend and so much love for the man that helped him calm down before he even noticed he was starting to have a flashback. He was patient, kind, and respectful. Everything Reid needed.

Reid didn’t even notice he was starting to cry. Hotch grabbed the sleep shirt Reid had set out for him and got down on the ground next to Reid, cleaning the cum off his hands before folding the shirt to a clean side and wiping the spit, tears, and left over cum off his face. “Baby.. You are safe. Talk to me..”

“I know, I know.. I am—It’s not that… I am just..” Reid moved closer, throwing his hands around Hotch’s neck and treasuring the warmth of their naked bodies pushed together before saying, “You make me so happy.. I love you so much, Aaron.”

Hotch held around Reid’s thin waist, pulling him even closer, “I love you so much too, Spencer.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter brings this series's word count to over 200k. That means that you all have read 200k words of my story and I LOVE YOU ALL.  
> You have all stuck around, some since the very start in March, and supported this work and I cannot thank you enough. 
> 
> I know this chapter was more smutty but the key point was supposed to be healing.
> 
> Let me know what you all think!! :D


	8. Castle of Glass

Hotch and Reid both climbed right into bed, still naked, and fell asleep holding each other. It was the closest the two had been since their relationship started almost six months ago. Unfortunately, Reid woke up with a nightmare that seemed to be caused by feeling Hotch’s skin on his own. He wasn’t scared of Hotch naked on him, but his sleeping mind thought differently.

Hotch didn’t make him feel bad for it though. He simply got up, grabbed a t-shirt and boxers for them both while Reid wrapped his weighted blanket around himself, and tried to calm down. He helped Reid into his clothes, got dressed himself, and then went right back to cuddling Reid, who calmed down right away.

In the morning, Hotch woke up before Reid and got ready for the day. He wasn’t sure if Reid was going to be going into work or not, but he still had too.

He climbed out of bed as quietly as he could in order to not to wake up Reid, who was almost completely under the blankets. Hotch just stood and looked at the young man for a moment. His golden hair stuck out of the blanket in wild, short curls. What he could see of his face was completely calm. His eyelids moved slightly, and his mouth twitched; he was dreaming. Hotch could only hope, for once, it was a pleasant dream.

He moved to their closet, pulled on one of his suits before looking at the tie rack, and carefully selecting one of Reid’s purple ties. Wearing Reid’s ties was something he missed while the two had over a month off work.

Next, he moved to the bathroom, ignoring their clothes in the corner of the room from the night before, washing and shaving his face and brushing his teeth before he quietly went to the kitchen to start the coffeemaker and breakfast. Normally, on the rare times the two didn’t grab food out, Reid was the one to cook. However, Hotch always made breakfast. He quickly learned that Reid hated breakfast and if given the choice, he would just drink his breakfast in the form of multiple cups of coffee.

Like clockwork, once the coffee maker was done pouring into the pot, Spencer walked out of the bedroom. He was buttoning up one of his dress shirts and a tie was draped over his shoulders. He stopped a few buttons from his collar to grab two mugs. “Good morning, Spence.”

Reid looked up with a smile, “Good morning, love.”

Reid made them both mugs of coffee while Hotch finished up the breakfast. It wasn’t until they both were done eating that Hotch noticed something on the side of Reid’s neck where his collar was still undone. He stood up and moved forward to Reid, running his fingers gently over the side of his neck. _Hickeys._

Reid flinched ever so slightly but leaned into the touch, “What is it, Aaron?”

Hotch felt a little sick. He marked him without his consent just like the men that hurt him. The marks were out of love, an accident, and would fade but they were there, nonetheless. “I’m sorry..” Hotch started and Reid looked worried. “You.. I left marks on you. I really didn’t mean too, I am really sorry, Spencer.”

Reid chuckled, “Love, relax. I knew what you were doing last night would probably leave marks as you were doing it. I am quite pale and bruise like a peach.”

“Oh.. You’re not upset?”

Reid shook his head and stood up, “I could have stopped you if I didn’t want them.” Reid said but noticed Hotch was still looking concerned. “You are not like them, you know?”

Hotch’s head shot up to look at Reid, “How did you—”

“I have known you for years, Aaron, not to mentioning being a trained profiler and a genius,” Reid said with a smirk. “They marked me in order to hurt me and stake some sort of claim. You did these on accident, I let you do them and they happened out of love.” Reid said before leaning in and giving Hotch and a chaste kiss on the lips, “Not to mention they will fade in a few days… which is a little upsetting. I saw them in the mirror before I came out here, and I like how they look.”

Hotch reached forward and started buttoning up Reid’s shirt the rest of the way, “You like them?”

Reid shrugged, “Yeah, I mean.. It’s weird but I like having a mark from you.. I am covered in marks that all came from a dark place, but yours are different..”

Hotch couldn’t help but smile at Reid’s words. His smile only grew when he started to tie Reid’s tie for him and he noticed that it was actually one of his ties. A gray tie with a single dark blue strip running through it. It matched well with his dark blue shirt and gray dress pants.

Hotch looked Reid up and down and couldn’t believe how lucky he was. Over six months ago he could have sworn that what he felt for Reid was platonic and that he definitely did not find men attractive but now, he was standing in their shared kitchen thinking that Reid, all male, was the most beautiful and sexy person that he had ever seen.

Hotch was so caught up in Reid that he didn’t think about the fact that he was helping him get ready for work until they were putting their shoes on. “Wait a second, Spencer. You weren’t supposed to go to work today.”

Reid gave Hotch a little pout, “Oh come on. I feel fine.”

Hotch narrowed his gaze, trying to see if he was lying or not. Spencer seemed to be telling the truth though. He had joked several times that morning, ate, took his medication, and slept enough. His gaze lowered to Reid’s arm. “Is your cut doing alright today?” Reid nodded. “Can I see it to make sure?” Hotch asked.

Reid sighed but lifted his arm and started to unbutton the buttons at the wrist before rolling it up enough to see the stitched wound. Bruises had settled around the cut as well as through it. It looked quite painful, but Reid didn’t seem bothered. Hotch took Reid’s arm, bringing it up closer to his face. He looked carefully for any signs of infection, redness, or inflammation but it looked like it was healing just fine.

Hotch placed a gentle kiss right above the wound before lowering Reid’s arm and folding his shirt sleeve back down, buttoning it. “Okay.. You can go to work, but you will be leaving for your appointment with Dr. Winchester and I don’t want you back at work until this afternoon when we go to the support groups. Deal?”

Reid smiled brightly, “Deal!”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The two men made their way into the bullpen. Spencer greeted Rossi, who was by Spencer’s desk, before Rossi walked upstairs with Hotch and Spencer settled at his desk, waiting on the rest of the team to show up.

Rossi followed Hotch into his office, “Giving the kid hickeys already?” He asked with a smirk.

Hotch, who was looking down at his desk, shot his head up to look at Rossi, and then looked outside his office window at Reid sitting at his desk. “You could see them?”

Rossi moved next to Hotch to look through the window to the bullpen. “I think you forget that he doesn’t have his long mop that he called hair anymore.”

Hotch just huffed. He could see the marks when his dress shirt was unbuttoned but he didn’t really look after he buttoned it. He was too focused on the light smile his boyfriend had been wearing. He missed that smile.

“So.. I take it things are going well between you two, even after everything?” Rossi asked. It was his own way of checking on Reid and making sure Hotch was being the good guy he knew him to be.

“Yes, Dave,” Hotch replied, glaring at him.

Rossi just laughed. The glare never worked on him, but he thought the effort was funny. “Don’t get mad at me. You know someone,” Rossi nudged his head at where Morgan was walking into the bullpen, “is going to have a few words for you.”

“I have spoken with him before about Spencer and me. He trusts me with him.” Hotch said, watching Morgan come up to Reid’s desk.

He couldn’t hear what Morgan was saying but he was sure they were just exchanging pleasantries. Morgan turned to his desk, looking back at Reid to comment on something when he froze. He moved back over to Reid, studying the side of his neck before Hotch heard Morgan yelled, “Hotchner!”

Rossi couldn’t help but laugh, “Told you.”

“Oh, shut it, Dave,” Hotch murmured as he walked out of his office. “Keep it down, Morgan. What is it?” He said once he got to Reid’s desk.

“What the fuck is this, man?” Morgan yelled, gesturing at Reid’s neck.

“Hickeys” Reid supplied plainly.

“Not you, Reid.” Morgan said to Reid and turned back to Hotch, “You marked him?”

“It was—" Hotch started but Reid stood up, cutting him off.

“Yes, he did. I let him.” Reid defended.

“Kid—” Morgan started but Reid cut him off too.

“No, not ‘kid’. I am a grown man. I can let my boyfriend suck on my neck if I want too.”

Morgan huffed “But ki—Reid. You _just_ got out of the hospital for slicing your arm open. You coulda died! You aren’t doing good, man! You—"

“Don’t tell me how I am doing!” Reid yelled, thankful that the BAU was still pretty empty. “Healing isn't linear, Morgan. You know this!” Reid stopped, taking a deep breath. He knew that Morgan was just trying to watch out for him and was probably still upset from seeing him in a hospital bed barely 24 hours prior. “My emotional state has nothing to do with knowing what I want, and even if it did and I didn’t know what I wanted, do you really think that Hotch would do something I was uncomfortable with? Do you really think he would take advantage of me?”

Morgan looked at Hotch and then back over to Reid, “No.. It’s just.. I don’t hear from you in like a month, then you tell me you are having a hard time being touched at all, then I get a call that you almost killed yourself and now you are covered in hickeys. Like.. Can you blame me for being worried?”

Reid’s face softened, “You are a great friend, Morgan, but I am alright. Aaron has only ever helped and made me feel comfortable.”

Morgan sighed, realizing he overreacted. “Sorry..” he mumbled as he went back to his desk. Reid smiled at Hotch and Hotch reached over to fix his collar, which didn’t do much to hide the hickeys.

Hotch then turned to Morgan and said, “It’s fine, Morgan. I am glad you are looking out for him.” Before he looked up and noticed that the rest of the team had arrived while Morgan and Reid were arguing. “Conference room in five,” Hotch said before leaving back for his office.

In less than five minutes everyone was in the conference room. There was a hint of awkwardness in the air, but it was quickly dissipated by a joke Emily told Reid, making him giggle, which in turn made the whole room smile.

The team talked about the case and Hotch divided up tasks for everyone, mostly having to do with their undercover mission at the support groups. Morgan complained again about being put in sexual abuse survivors support group and Rossi was sure that he was put in the Alcoholics Anonymous group on purpose. Reid joked that he would fit right in with his support group for self-injury and depression and no one appreciated the self-deprecating joke.

Right before the team split back up to do their tasks, Garcia spoke up, “Hold on, sir?” Garcia started and all eyes flicked to Reid when she accidentally used the term ‘sir’. Surprisingly, he didn’t freak out. There was a slight cringe on his face before relaxing again so Garcia continued, “You are going to the group with Reid, right?”

Hotch nodded, there were six members of the team that could go and only five groups that seemed to be a possible target. Hotch didn’t want Reid working in the field by himself yet, so they decided to just go together and pretend not to know each other.

Garcia continued, “Well.. How is Reid going to get there?”

Reid’s head shot up. He hadn’t thought of that. Hotch always drove him and he used to just take the metro. He can’t go with Hotch, as they aren’t supposed to know each other, and taking the metro isn’t the best choice with a serial killer roaming around.

Before Hotch could answer, Emily asked, “Can’t a different agent drive him?”

“Hmm.. Most of the agents are divided up between doing surveillance on the five different locations and the McGraw case. I suppose I could find someone..” Hotch pondered.

“I—I could a-always drive myself..” Reid said nervously, even though it was clear that Reid didn’t want to do that. He had only driven a handful of times since his late boyfriend, Stephen, was killed by a car accident years ago. He even told Hotch that two of those times he had a panic attack.

Hotch sent Reid a soft glare, “We will talk about it privately.” He said and everyone knew what he meant. They all got up and left the two alone. Once they were all gone and the last one to leave shut the door, Hotch spoke up again, “Spencer, you know I do not expect you to drive.”

“Do I need to have the ‘I am a grown man’ speech with you too?” Reid joked but Hotch just rolled his eyes.

“I am well aware that you are a grown man,” Hotch said with a grin, making Reid blush. He wasn’t sure if he meant it the way it sounded but he still shifted in his seat. Hotch laughed lightly before getting back to business. “Gideon told me when he hired you that you didn’t drive, it didn’t bother me then and it definitely doesn’t bother me now.”

Reid tapped his fingers along the side of his jaw. He wasn’t sure if the idea of having a random agent drive him around was bothering him because he was worried about being alone with another man, statistically speaking, or because he didn’t want to be treated like the baby agent that was too scared to drive. He chose the latter. “I—I think I want to try.. I mean.. I don’t know. I don’t want to have some random agent take time out to drive me. I already feel like I am being babied enough.”

Hotch nodded, “I am not going to stop you from driving yourself, but I am not sure if right now is the best time for you to be doing this.” Hotch said, stealing a peek at the younger man’s sleeve that hid his self-inflicted wound. Reid noticed Hotch’s eyes shift and wrapped his arm around his waist. After a moment of Reid not replying, Hotch added, “Think on it. I will find an agent to drive you just in case. Okay?”

Reid just nodded and stood up. He wasn’t sure how happy he was with Hotch just assuming he wouldn’t be able to drive but at the same time, having a backup plan made sense. Hotch walked over to him, picked his messenger bag up for him, and held it out. Once Reid slipped the strap over his shoulder, Hotch wrapped him in a hug. Reid tensed up for a moment before relaxing into Hotch’s touch. He wrapped his arms around the older man’s waist and pressed his chin into his shoulder, not caring that they were at work.

They separated when they heard a wolf whistle. Looking around, they saw Emily through the conference room windows standing down in the bullpen with a big grin on her face. Hotch regained his stoic exterior while Reid smiled back.

\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Reid was completely engulfed in his work when Morgan spun his chair around to face him and leaned on his desk suddenly, causing him to jump. “Pretty boy! It’s time for lunch.” He said with a grin once he noticed that Reid had jumped but didn’t seem scared.

Reid turned his wrist over to look at his watch, cringing at the spark of pain he felt from his arm. He had barely moved in the last few hours, causing his injured arm to get sore. The cringe wasn’t lost on Morgan, “You feeling alright, kid?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah. Just a little sore.” Reid said, rubbing his arm. “I actually feel pretty good today though… Better than I have in a while.” He said with a smile.

Morgan chuckled and looked at the red marks on Reid’s neck, “I mean, that happens when you get laid.” 

“Morgan!” Reid whisper yelled, “T-that’s not even w-what happened..”

“Ohh, well care to share what _did_ happen then?” Morgan teased. Reid blushed and looked away, only making Morgan laugh more. He was glad that Reid was in a better mood and wasn’t still angry at him for overreacting earlier. “Well come on, kid. JJ got us pizzas.”

The two men made their way to the conference room, where the rest of the team was already sitting around the round table. Reid spotted Hotch first, who smiled fondly at him.

They fell into a domestic scene, with Reid getting them both drinks and Hotch making them both plates of pizza. They didn’t even notice the team watching them as they moved. Reid brushed his hands against Hotch’s waist to move past him, Hotch running his hand over Reid’s as they sat down.

The team learned about Hotch and Reid dating once it happened. They had seen the two kiss, seen them hold each other, but this was different. It was happy and content, like an old married couple. They just smiled at the scene. No one dared to speak up when Reid handed Hotch a napkin before he could ask or when Hotch silently told Reid to try and eat more.

The team didn’t know if they normally hid these acts or if the month they weren’t at work brought them even closer together. Either way, it was clear that this was their love language, and it was simple, yet beautiful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, that ended abruptly. I have been working on this chapter for days and it wasn't going the way I wanted. Somehow it just became some light Hotch and Reid fluff. I hope you all like it though!
> 
> Let me know what you all think, thank you! :D


	9. No Roads Left

When the team finished eating, Hotch looked over to the clock on the wall, “Spencer, it’s about time for you to go.” He said quietly, as if he didn’t want to embarrass him by telling him he needed to go to his therapist appointment.

Reid sighed, “I was hoping you would forget.”

“Not a chance. Now I can’t take you, I have too much work to do here,” Hotch continued, despite the pout Reid made, “But Emily actually is going that direction to interview someone that knew one of the victims so she will take you.”

Reid looked over at Emily, “You really don’t have too, I ca—”

“Oh stop. I’m taking you, so come on.” Emily said, cutting Reid off.

Reid just sighed and followed Emily out of the door, brushing against Hotch’s arm and giving it a little squeeze before he left.

When they got to the parking garage, to one of the FBI SUVs, an idea hit Reid. He just stood there thinking for a moment, not getting in the car.

Emily noticed, “You okay, Reid?”

Reid started to buckle and unbuckle the latch on his bag, “Yeah, I just… It’s dumb.”

Emily, who was next to the driver’s door, walked around to the passenger’s side and leaned against the SUV, “If it’s from you, probably not.” She grinned and Reid rolled his eyes.

“Well.. I—I was thinking about what Garcia said… And about driving.. I… Umm..”

“Come on. Out with it, Reid.” Emily said light-heartedly. Reid murmured something and Emily laughed, “You know no human could hear that.”

“I want to try driving…” Reid said, looking away.

Emily just smiled and shrugged her shoulders, “Okay then.”

Reid looked back up at Emily. This was something he loved about her. He knew if he were to ask anyone else on the team to let him drive, they would have made a big deal out of it. They would have asked him if he was sure, tell him that he doesn’t have to. He knew they all meant well but sometimes it was nice just to do something without being coddled.

Emily didn’t do that unless she felt it was absolutely needed. It wasn’t that she didn’t care as much because she definitely did. She would just rather let Reid try, knowing it might upset him, then stop him from even trying. You can’t grow if you don’t try.

Emily pulled the keys out of her pocket, unlocked the door, and handed them to Reid before she climbed herself into the passenger seat.

Suddenly, Reid felt sick. He regretted asking to do this. He looked at his watch, _well at least I have plenty of time to have a panic attack before therapy._ The thought made Reid chuckle. He tried not to think about driving, and just do it. So, he went around to the driver’s side and climbed in, setting his messenger bag on the floorboards by Emily’s feet. He gnawed at his bottom lip as he put the keys in the ignition and turned the car on.

Then he froze.

Silent, in a mix of panic and fear.

_Just drive.. It’s not that hard… You are a damn FBI agent; you carry a gun and hunt down serial killers. You can drive a car._ Statistics of car accidents ran through Reid’s head. He knew his day job was more dangerous than driving, that being a passenger in a car was just as dangerous as driving but it didn’t help.

All he could think of was when he got that phone call that Stephen was dead.. _I am calling for a Spencer Reid on behalf of Stephen Gideon, there has been an accid—_

Emily’s voice pulled Reid out of his thoughts, “Tell me about him.”

Reid furrowed his eyebrow, “What?”

“Stephen. Can you tell me about him?”

Reid didn’t know why he was surprised by Emily’s bold question. She was always blunter than most, something else he enjoyed about her. He would sometimes get caught up on sarcasm or hidden meanings to words so the straight to the point approach was nice. He wasn’t sure he wanted to answer the question though.

“Umm.. He was.. great. I… Yeah…” Reid said quietly before looking back down at the steering wheel.

Emily didn’t mind, “Was he anything like Gideon?”

Reid chuckled slightly, “Not at all, looks-wise. Only a little bit of his personality.” Reid thought for a moment before reaching down and grabbing his messenger bag again. He opened it and pulled out a notebook. He flipped through what looked like half-written letters before stopping at a page that had several photographs tucked in.

Emily tried not to be nosy, but she couldn’t help watching him flick through the photos, several of which were of Hotch, before he stopped at a photo of a young man with dark brown hair, dark eyes, and the start of a beard. Reid pulled out the photo and handed it to Emily.

The man had a similar build as Hotch. He was tall, broad, good posture; he looked confident.

“That’s Stephen. I took that a month before he died..” Reid said, looking over fondly at the photo before taking it back and putting everything away.

“You’re right, he doesn’t look like Gideon. He was actually handsome.” Emily said and they both laughed before Emily asked, “So.. Is Hotch as ‘great’ as Stephen was?”

Reid shook his head, “It wouldn’t be fair to compare them.. But.. I will say that I never thought I would find a man like Aaron… Stephen was my first love and I miss him dearly but.. Aaron..” Reid smiled at the thought of his boyfriend, “If I believed in the notion of soulmates, that would be Aaron.” Reid then whispered, “Light-bringer. Mountain of strength.” To himself.

“What?” Emily asked

“Oh, sorry. Nothing, it’s cheesy..”

Emily laughed, “I am counting on it.”

Reid fidgeted in his seat, “Well.. It’s just what I told Aaron the night I told him I loved him.”

“Tell me about it.”

“You want to hear about how I told him I love him?”

“Yep, but..” Emily pointed at the stop sign at the other side of the parking garage, “I want you to drive to there while you tell me.”

Nerves struck Reid again. He was so focused on talking to Emily about Stephen, he forgot he was sitting behind the wheel altogether. _It’s only a few feet.. That’s nothing, right? The chances of getting into a deadly accident between here and the stop sign are almost nonexistent.._ Reid gripped the steering wheel tight and took a deep breath.

He started to tell Emily about the night he told Hotch he loved him. Recalling how JJ dropped him off at their shared apartment after the team finished the case with the conversion camp killer in Miami, how he couldn’t rest, how he went up to the roof. Most of this Emily already knew, the team had been called after Hotch couldn’t find Reid when he went back to the apartment.

Emily didn’t say anything though. She didn’t say anything when Reid slowly put the car in drive and drove to the stop sign. She didn’t say anything when he continued to tell her about how he told Hotch about the stars and she didn’t say anything when Reid took off from the stop sign and into the street.

He continued to drive, taking back roads, and stopping at stop signs longer than someone normally would, as if he were giving himself small goals to make, all while just talking about Hotch.

Reid finished the story before he was at the doctor's, so he kept going, bringing up the small things Hotch does that he loves. Liked the way he always uses the same rain scented shampoo, or how he loves the neighbor's dog and will take it on his runs when the neighbor lets him, or how he will turn the TV volume all the way down and turn on close captions if Reid was resting on the sofa next to him, no matter how many times Reid told him that he didn’t need to do that.

Before he knew it, they were pulling up to Dr. Winchester’s office. Reid turned off the car and looked over at Emily, “I did it! Emily! I did it!” He knew it was childish, but he couldn’t stop how excited he felt.

Emily’s smile was just as bright as Reid’s, “I am proud of you! I knew you could.”

The two got out of the car and Reid handed the keys back to Emily. “Thank you, Emily.”

“Don’t thank me, all I did was listen. Now, I am going to be back in an hour, do you want to try driving back too?”

The idea was daunting, but he nodded his head anyway. He wanted to be able to drive again. He wanted to get better.

That thought stuck in Reid’s head as he said bye and walked inside the building.

He _wanted_ to get better. He wanted to improve himself, to be happy, and move past all this.

It was the first time since he came back from Las Vegas that he actually wanted to fix himself. He had been extremely depressed since he returned, not wanting to eat or do anything and he definitely did not want to work on himself. He wanted all of it to go away, but not to have to work on the issues he was facing.

He felt better today than he had felt in over a month. He missed feeling okay. Feeling the want to do things and the energy to get them done.

Depression can be exhausting.

Dr. Winchester came upfront to get Reid as she always did. She greeted him with a smile instead of a handshake, “Hi Spencer, you ready?”

Reid stood with a smile, “Actually.. Yeah, I think I am.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short update but this was the part I was supposed to add to the last chapter but didn't. 
> 
> Let me know what you all think! Thank you for reading :D


	10. Heavy

When he got into Dr. Winchester’s office, he found himself unpacking everything that had happened in the past week. He had gotten more comfortable with talking with his therapist in the months since he came back from Hankel and while he didn’t like talking about what happened in Las Vegas with his father, he still was comfortable with her.

He sat on the familiar tan office sofa playing with a pink container of Play-Doh that the doctor kept separate just for Reid when he came in. He liked being able to focus on something else while talking and not having to worry about all the other patients having touched the same Play-Doh.

Reid squeezed the Play-Doh between his fingers while he told Dr. Winchester about Tom’s murder and the case. He rolled it as he told her about getting Tom’s ex-boyfriend to confess. Flattened it out and made thumbprints in it as he told her about the cut on his arm and the ER trip. Made little shapes as he told her about the shower and blowjob with Hotch. He balled the Play-Doh back up and put it back in the container, making it even as possible, as he told her about driving to the office.

Dr. Winchester sat quietly the whole time, letting Reid talk as much as he wanted. When he finally finished, they didn’t have much time left but Reid seemed relieved with having unpacked so much.

“Wow, Spencer. You have had quite the week. There are so many positives, but I would like to take a moment to talk about the cut on your arm. You said it was deep, correct?” Dr. Winchester asked

Spencer nodded before putting the Play-Doh container down and rolling his shirt sleeve up, showing Dr. Winchester the stitched-up wound. For having fourteen visible stitches, it didn’t look too bad. It wasn’t red or swollen and the sutures were flat and even.

Dr. Winchester nodded and wrote something down on her chart, “That looks like it will heal nicely. Why do you think you did that?”

Reid sighed and told his therapist about the dream, the bite, and the thoughtless self-inflicted cut. When he finished he added, “It was senseless and irresponsible of me, I know that.. But at the time.. It seemed right. Like it was the only option I had.”

Dr. Winchester closed Reid’s file and put it on her desk, setting her pen on top of it. She leaned back in her chair, taking a moment to think about her words before starting, “Pain like what you have gone through, Spencer... it’s powerful. Almost dying on your kitchen floor level of powerful. It can tell you what to do and when to do it. Tell you to go against everything you want in life and to push everyone you love away.” Dr. Winchester paused for a moment and Reid couldn’t help but think of the past month he spent pushing all of his friends away, not doing anything that he normally did. He had been a ghost of his former self.

“This type of pain can make you feel like you are out of options, but that’s just not true.” The doctor continued, “You chose to go back to work, to take the next step with Aaron, and to try driving again. While medication, therapy, and a good support system help, you still chose to do these things. You are strong, Spencer. Pain has a voice, but you can’t let it have the last word.”

Reid felt tears threatening to spill from the corners of his eyes and he said the only thing he could think of, “T-thank you.”

Reid finished up with his therapist and made his way back out to the waiting room. The first thing he saw was Emily. She was sitting in one of the waiting room chairs that looked at the small office television, the opposite direction of Reid.

Emily was talking on her cell phone to who Reid could only assume was Hotch, “I am here now… No, he is still back there… I wouldn’t forget him!... I forgot to pick up Morgan one time and I can never live it down!” Reid laughed at that, remembering the extremely pissed off Morgan who had to take an uber back from an interview when Emily dropped him off and then supposedly forgot him. Emily turned around and smiled, “Hey, Reid.”

“Hey, is that Aaron?” he asked, walking around to the front of Emily.

Emily made an exasperated face, “Yeah, I don’t know how you put up with him all the time.” She joked before handing Reid the phone.

He could hear Hotch yelling something to Emily about not paying attention before he put the phone up to his face, “Hey, Aaron. Are you supposed to be working?”

He could hear Hotch sigh, _“How was your appointment?”_ Hotch said, ignoring the question.

“It went well, thank you. Did Emily tell you I drove here?” Reid said back, unable to hide the childish glee in his voice.

Reid swore he could hear Hotch smile, _“No, baby, she didn’t. That is great though, I am proud of you.”_

Reid followed Emily out to the parking lot while still on the phone. “This means I can drive to the meeting tonight, right?”

 _“Hmm.. I will still have an agent ready to drive you just in case, okay? I don’t want you to push yourself_.”

“I won’t need them but thanks, Aaron,” Reid said with a smile.

The rest of the conversation was spent with Hotch explaining to Reid and Emily that they should take the rest of the afternoon off until the meetings. They both needed to get their own cars and change into casual clothing, which made Reid laugh as both men only really owned work clothes and pajamas, other than the workout clothes that Hotch had.

Hotch also went into detail about what to do in the meetings. They set up agents in the parking lot of everyone’s meeting to get basic information and act as back up just in case anything happened, which was unlikely as the unsub so far had only attacked after the Sunday meeting.

The team would not be wearing wires but would need to pay close attention to anyone’s story that sounded off, or fake. They would also need to have a convincing story of their own to share. Based on the limited information they were able to get from the victim’s support groups, every victim shared the night they were murdered. This meant that the team would also have to share in order to get the unsub’s attention.

\--

Emily and Reid went back to his place for a few hours and had coffee and some coffee cake that Hotch had picked up last time he was at the store. They just sat around talking about whatever came to mine. Reid didn’t bring up his issues and Emily didn’t ask. It was nice just to talk and laugh with a friend, other than Hotch, again.

Emily left to get ready for her undercover assignment at a domestic violence support group, something she was really not looking forward too and Reid headed to his closet. Everything he owned was professional, slacks, and button-ups.

Reid pulled out a plain-looking button-up, _this is casual right? People where button-ups places.. Right?_ Reid sighed and put the shirt back before pulling out the only pair of jeans he owned and an old Caltech t-shirt. He didn’t bother to look in the mirror, he already felt overexposed. He grabbed one of his cardigans, a soft and thin navy blue one, and threw it on. _Better._

Reid took almost ten extra minutes to get to the support group then the route he planned should have taken. While he learned that he could drive, it didn’t come easily to him. He plugged his iPod up to the radio and listened to a playlist that Hotch helped him come up with. Morgan kept telling him that he needed music from this century and Hotch found him a list of songs that aligned with his music taste and were fairly new.

He listened to his playlist as he drove, which helped relax him, but he still drove at least ten miles per hour under the speed limit, taking every back road possible. Reid didn’t care though. He was still driving, driving alone at that. He left twenty minutes early so he was still one of the first people to show up.

When he pulled into the parking lot he didn’t see Hotch’s car yet, but he saw the work van that held an FBI agent in charge of taking photos of everyone that came and went from the meeting as well as their vehicles and send the information over to Garcia. She then would pull IDs on everyone and try and come up with some sort of link.

He walked into the rec center and followed the signs that led to the meeting. Walking into the room, he was greeted by the group leader, a middle-aged woman in short sleeves despite the old scars that covered the insides of her arms. She told him where to sign in if he wanted to be added to the email list and where to sit.

Reid skipped the email list, as he didn’t have email, and sat in the circle of chairs in the middle of the room. He looked around the circle to the members that had already arrived, seven women and two other men, none of which stood out. They knew that the unsub might not even come to the Wednesday and Friday meetings, but they still had to try. This was their only real lead.

One minute before the meeting was planned to start, Hotch walked in. Reid fought to not look at him but instead, he simply glanced up as he did with everyone who came in the room, busying himself with a Rubik's cube he had taken from his messenger bag.

Hotch sat down almost directly across from him. Their eyes met for a split second before the group leader spoke up, which Reid was thankful for. He didn’t think that it would be that hard to pretend like he didn’t know Hotch, but it was.

The group leader welcomed everyone, thanked them for coming, and introduced herself. She told a small story about her journey with self-injury and depression before asking who wanted to start. A young woman with brown hair but blue bangs went first.

After three people shared, Reid knew he had to go.

“Who wants to go next?” The group leader asked, and Reid gave a little wave.

“I—uhh.. I w-will go.” He stuttered out.

“Yes, yes. Go ahead.” The group leader said with a welcoming smile.

“Hi. Umm.. My name is Spencer.” He started and the group greeted him back.

“I… Uhh… Well…” Reid started to pick at his cardigan sleeve. “I guess I am here because I self-harm… I—I have been doing it since… Too long, really.. Since I was a child… My fath—” Reid stopped. He didn’t want to go there. He unconsciously scratched his thigh a few times before starting again, “One day, something _bad_ happened. My mind wouldn’t slow down afterward; I felt like I was drowning. For some reason, I started to dig my nails into my thighs. It hurt but it made me focus on just that feeling… The next thing I knew I was grabbing my school scissors and pressing them into my leg…”

Reid looked around the room for reactions and no one seemed to be paying extra attention. If the unsub was in the room, he was hiding his interest well. “The next day I went to the library and read everything I could over self-harm. I knew it was _bad_ but in those moments that I was drowning, it helped..” Reid said to the group before adding, “I don’t want its help anymore though…”

Reid shifted in his seat; he was clearly uncomfortable talking in front of the group. He nodded at the group leader and she thanked him, asking who wanted to go next again. After two more people, Hotch spoke up.

“My name is Aaron,” Hotch started.

The group all said their greeting, “Hello Aaron,” simultaneously before Hotch continued.

“I came here today to try and find advice for my boyfriend. He… He is really struggling lately and… sometimes I wonder if I am doing everything right.” Hotch said, purposely not looking at Reid, who was trying to act aloof to his boyfriend suddenly speaking about him. “But, with everyone sharing their own stories I figured I would share mine…”

This definitely got Reid’s attention. He fought the urge he had to rip his head up and continued to just absently gaze at Hotch.

“When I found out that my boyfriend was self-harming, I tried to do as much research about it as I could. I went to a seminar or two, bought several books… None of them told me how to help him in a way that I hadn’t already tried, but I did learn about the wide range of self-harm, which made me realize that I used to do it as well..” Hotch stopped for a moment, stealing a glance at Reid, who’s eyes were slightly wider than normal.

“You see, my father… He could be a cruel man. He would drink and hit my mom or me. It became our normal… As I grew up and started to get into my teenage years, I became quite depressed. I was sick of having to take beatings I didn’t deserve. I started to go to the gym, to burn off steam… I spent hours there, working out until I got sick, until my muscles felt on fire.. I would punch the heavy bag until my fingers would turn blue. My skin would crack and bleed and then I would take my gloves off and hit it harder…” Hotch stopped again.

He never talked about his father, about what he had faced emotionally. He knew he should have talked to Reid in private about his personal trauma and not wait until they were in a room with dozens of other people, and possibly a serial killer, but he also knew that Reid would understand. His story was his to tell, when and if he wanted too.

Hotch took a deep breath before continuing, “I was sixteen when my father died, stopping my beatings. Most of my depression revolved around him so when he died, a huge weight was lifted off my chest. It didn’t fix everything, but it got easier. I stopped going to the gym as much. I stopped punching the heavy bag until I bled…”

Hotch looked down at his fingers, rubbing over his knuckles. “I guess I am trying to say.. if I really think about it, I do understand the pain behind what he does on some level… I just wish…” Hotch looked directly at Reid, “I wish I could erase that pain and make him truly happy… Thanks.” Hotch turned away from Reid and looked at the group leader.

The group leader clapped lightly, “Thank you for sharing, Aaron. Who wants to go next?”

Reid was almost shaking. He wanted to talk to Hotch, tell him how he was already making him so happy. He wanted to thank him for sharing what his own father did, but he had a job to do. He noticed one man near Hotch who seemed a little too interested in what Hotch had to say. He pulled out his cell phone and sent a quick description to Garcia.

A few more members went before the hour was up. The leader thanked everyone, told them all where they could find self-harm and suicide hotlines, and told them the next meeting would be Friday.

At that, the support group members started to shuffle around the room. Some left right away while others made small talk or got a snack or coffee from the table in the corner. Hotch hung back for only a moment before leaving while Reid went to the table and made coffee. He didn’t want to drive around all of the people in the parking lot so he figured he would wait until it cleared out some.

As he was pouring himself a to-go cup, the man that he had texted Garcia about came up to him, “H-hi, it’s Spencer, right? I’m Mark.”

The man was a similar build to Hotch, but he had wavy dark brown hair that framed his face and blue eyes. Reid racked his brain but was sure that he hadn’t seen Mark before. He didn’t talk during the meeting either and seemed a lot shyer than what Reid would have guessed.

“Uh, yeah. Hi, Mark. It’s nice to meet you.” Reid said as he stirred in sugar into his coffee.

“Have y-you came here before? This is my f-first time.” Mark said, playing with the edges of his long sleeve sweater.

Something about Mark made Reid smile. He seemed sweet and nervous, nothing like what he thought the larger man would be. He made a mental note to tell Garcia that he most likely wasn’t the unsub. The two made small talk for several minutes before Reid said goodbye. He enjoyed talking with Mark, but he wanted to see Hotch even more.

“O-okay, Spencer. Will y-you be here n-next time?” Mark said to Spencer when he said he had to get going.

“Yes, I will. It was nice talking with you. See you Friday?” Reid said and Mark nodded before Reid was out the door. He wasted no time getting into his old Volvo, setting up his music, and pulling out of the parking lot. It was nice to talk with another person that wasn’t someone he worked with or was paid to talk with him, but he wanted to go be with Hotch more than anything.

His ten-minute drive still took almost twenty minutes, but he was still proud that he did it. He pulled into his parking spot and saw Hotch’s car in the spot next to it. He had instructed the team to all check-in when they got home but they would wait until the next morning to talk about how the meetings went.

Reid headed up to their apartment and pulled out his keys, but the knob was already turning. Hotch heard Reid at the door and went ahead and opened it. “Hey, Spence.”

Reid didn’t both a greeting, he was launching himself into Hotch’s arms. “I love you, Aaron. An exponential amount. I really hope you know that.”

Hotch wrapped his arms around the younger man and held him tight, “I love you too, _so_ much..”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh I am not feeling this chapter, mostly because I had to write most of it on my phone because my laptop broke. But, good news is that the shop was able to fix it and I should be getting it back in the next day or so :D 
> 
> Let me know what you all think! Thanks! :D
> 
> The line "Pain has a voice, but you can’t let it have the last word." comes from the wonderful shiroxkeith on Tumblr, thank you again!


	11. Leave Out All The Rest

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mention of suicide and child abuse.

Reid headed up to their apartment and pulled out his keys, but the knob was already turning. Hotch heard Reid at the door and went ahead and opened it. “Hey, Spence.”

Reid didn’t bother a greeting; he was already launching himself into Hotch’s arms. “I love you, Aaron. An exponential amount. I really hope you know that.”

Hotch wrapped his arms around the younger man and held him tight, “I love you too, _so_ much..”

Reid smiled before wrapping his hand around the back of Hotch’s head and pulling him in for a kiss. It was meant to be gentle and chaste but once their lips met they were wrapped in each other. Hands going from chests to waists to hips while tongues fought for dominance.

The two walked towards the sofa, never moving away from each other. Hotch sat first, expecting Reid to sit next to him but instead he climbed on top of him, straddling his lap.

They continued their heated make-out session for several minutes, until the heat turned to just love and closeness and Reid rested his head on Hotch’s shoulder. It was something that was common before what happened in Las Vegas. The two men would make out, but it naturally would turn into just cuddling instead of sex. Neither man minded.

While Hotch was never a ‘player’, he did have several long-term girlfriends. With his job and traveling, he didn’t get to spend too much time with any of them, so sex was generally the first thing they did. Sex was the only love language he really knew.

It was never like that with Reid though. Even before the two started dating, before Hankel, before Las Vegas, Hotch just wanted to be around Reid. He wanted to take care of him, just talk with him, and hold him close. Hotch treasured these moments when Reid let him hold him and he held him back with the same level of love and trust.

After a few minutes, Reid leaned his head off Hotch’s shoulder and looked the man in the eyes. “Thank you for sharing about what happened with your father with me..”

Hotch reached up and ran his hand over the side of Reid’s face. “I am sorry I didn’t tell you sooner or alone.. I just—”

“Shh..” Reid interrupted, “It’s perfectly fine, Aaron. It was your business to tell when and if you wanted to. Thank you for trusting me with it.”

Hotch couldn’t help but smile. He cupped Reid’s cheek and pulled him in for a gentle kiss before Reid put his head back on Hotch’s shoulder. After a few minutes of just holding each other Reid leaned up a little and tugged on his cardigan and Hotch helped him out of it. Next came his shirt before his hands were pulling at Hotch’s clothes.

They slowly undressed and made their way to the bedroom. No words were said, only eye contact and silent permissions until both men were laying in their shared bed wearing only their boxers. Hands roaming over freed skin, pulling the other as close as possible as they kissed lazily. However, it wasn’t sexual. The two just wanted to be impossibly close.

At that moment it hit Reid how some people could have sex simply to feel close to the other person. Of course, he knew that in theory, but it never sat right with him. He knew well how people used sex for personal gratification, power, and control. He learned from Stephen that people could also use sex to calm their minds and to show their partner that they cared about their pleasure, but this was different.

He just wanted to feel Hotch. He pushed the thought out of his mind for now. He might want to be as close as possible to Hotch, but he knew that was something he was simply not ready for.

Again, the kissing came to a natural stopping point and Reid laid his head on Hotch’s chest. His eyes started to drift closed before Hotch said, “Baby, we might want to put shirts on before you go to sleep.” It was a gentle way of reminding Reid that the last time the two men slept with that much skin exposed that Reid had a nightmare.

Reid shook his head against Hotch’s chest. “No.. I want to feel you.. Is that okay?”

Hotch smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of Reid’s head. “Always.”

\--

Hotch and Reid fell asleep almost immediately, curled up in each other’s arms.

Barely an hour later Reid jumped awake, gasping for air, and flicking himself away from the body next to him. In his panic, his leg got caught on the blanket and he fell onto the ground with a loud thump. He could hear Hotch moving in the bed, but he ignored it and stared blankly at the ceiling while laying on the bedroom floor.

The dream felt so real, more like a flashback than anything else.. Reid swore he could still feel his father pressed up against his back. The uncomfortable weight of the adult man covering his small body. The rough, sweaty skin touching his soft, youthful skin. The pain shooting from his behind up his whole spine.

The words he said echoed in his head. _You are so worthless, Pen. All you are is a fuck up, an idiot, a bad boy. You would be better off dead, you know that?_

Reid nodded at the old memory.

_Repeat it, Pen._

“I am a fuck up.. an idiot.. a b-bad boy… I would be better off dead..” Reid whispered to himself as tears pricked at the corners of his eyes.

_Good boy. You are nothing but—_ “Spencer!” The memory of his father was cut off by Hotch yelling his name. Reid blinked a few times and looked over at the bed to see Hotch sitting on the edge looking at him, now wearing a shirt and gym shorts. “Hey, are you with me?”

Reid nodded before sitting up and wrapping his arms around his waist, suddenly feeling very exposed.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Reid went to open his mouth but couldn’t find his words, so he just shook his head no.

Hotch kept his unreadable expression as he looked at Reid, as if he were thinking. After a minute of the two just sitting there, Hotch spoke up, “Baby… You know you aren’t better off dead, right?”

Reid just sighed and shrugged. He wasn’t suicidal or anything but sometimes he really did feel like he was doing more harm in this world than good.

Hotch’s eyes sharpened, “Spencer.. Can you please sit next to me?”

He still didn’t say anything. Reid just nodded his head and Hotch extended his hand out to help him up. Part of Reid wanted to flinch away from the hand, but a bigger part knew that Hotch was safe.

He got up on the bed and sat on the edge next to Hotch, close enough to feel his warmth while still leaving a small gap between them.

“Please talk to me, Spencer. What are you thinking right now?” Hotch asked but Spencer just huffed. He didn’t really feel like talking, but Hotch didn’t let up.

“Are you suicidal?”

Reid shook his head no.

“Okay, good.” Hotch sounded relieved and Reid could feel Hotch’s gaze narrow down on the cut on his forearm for just a moment. “Are you scared?”

Reid thought for a moment. He was slightly scared but only because of his nightmare, not of Hotch, so he just shook his head no.

“Do you want to cut?”

Reid didn’t have to think about that answer, “Yes” fell out of his mouth before he could stop it.

Hotch slowly moved his hand to hold Reid’s. “Thank you for telling me. Can you tell me what made you feel this way?

Reid knew but he didn’t want to talk about it. He hated talking about his nightmares, about his father. He talked several times about Hankel but there wasn’t much that Hotch didn’t already know. He did watch most of that torture happen live. Reid closed his eyes for a moment and tried to think about what was bothering him the most.

_‘You are so worthless, Pen’,_ echoed back at him.

“S-sometimes…” Reid started without thinking, “He.. umm… Sometimes it was what he _said_ that hurt the most..”

Hotch hid the surprise the crept onto his face well when Reid started talking. He was sure he was going to be met with another shoulder shrug or possibly an ‘it was just a nightmare, I am fine.’ Like the young man normally would say when he had a nightmare. Hotch nodded slightly to show that he was listening, but he let Reid continue.

“After a while.. You get used to the physical pain. You become numb to it..” Reid paused and looked up at Hotch, who had a look of understanding that he never let shine through before.

Reid always knew that Hotch’s childhood wasn’t the best and that he was not close with his family but now, since he learned that his father was abusive too, he could see that what he was saying hit home for the older man as well.

Reid squeezed Hotch’s hand, “You know what I mean, don’t you?”

Hotch nodded somberly, “Yeah..”

“Will you.. tell me about it? If you want, I mean..” Reid asked cautiously.

Hotch pulled Reid’s hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it, “I will try to as long as you try to tell me about it as well.”

Reid almost laughed, “Trauma bonding in the middle of the night? Sure.”

Hotch furrowed his brow, “Trauma bonding is what happens in abusive relationships, most commonly with narcissists and—”

Hotch stopped midsentence when he saw the light smile on Reid’s face, “Not like that, love. I mean the slang term, where two people become closer due to sharing their personal trauma with each other.”

“Slang?” Hotch said as he moved back in the bed to his spot as Reid followed behind him, instantly moving back to his spot on Hotch’s broad chest. “If you become a genius at slang too then there will be no hope for the rest of us ever competing with you.” Reid just laughed and snuggled into Hotch, forgetting all about his need to self-harm.

\--

Hotch and Reid laid in bed sharing their childhood traumas for hours, going back and forth, recalling their most painful memories.

_I begged him to stop._

_I was covered in blood._

_He called me stupid._

_He called me weak._

_As long as I protected my mom, it was worth it._

_As long as I protected my baby brother, it was worth it._

_He would get so mad._

_I didn’t do anything wrong._

_I couldn’t let anyone know._

_No one would have believed me._

_I couldn’t breathe._

_I passed out._

_I thought I was going to die._

_Sometimes I would wish he would just kill me already._

It was difficult for both of them to share things that they had never told anyone and to hear what their love had to go through. They were both moved to tears several times at the other’s stories as well as their own.

They talked until the sun came up, surprising them both. They had completely lost track of time.

“We have to be at work in less than two hours,” Reid said as they both noticed the sun peaking from around the closed blinds.

Hotch reached over to his side table and grabbed his cell phone. “There is no way we can work like this.” Both men looked completely worn out, physically, mentally, and especially emotionally. “I think this calls for a sick day.”

“We can’t skip—” Reid yawned loudly, “—work while there is an active serial killer.”

“Try that again without yawning and you might sound more convincing,” Hotch said with a chuckle. “It will be fine. There isn’t much to do for now. The team will meet about their support groups, try to find more links between the victims, and do more interviews. They can handle it themselves.”

“I am not sure..” Reid yawned again.

“How about we go in around noon then?” Hotch asked and Reid nodded before burying his head into his pillow and throwing his arm around Hotch. “Good, I will text Dave to call us if anything comes up, okay?”

“Mhmm..” Reid’s eyes were already falling closed as Hotch quickly typed out his text, hitting send and tossing his cell phone onto the side table. It bounced off the table and fell on the floor but Hotch didn’t care. He could still hear it if it went off while on the floor.

He turned to face Reid, pulled him in, and kissed the top of his head, “Sleep well, baby.” He said but Reid was already fast asleep.

\--

Hotch didn’t know what time it was when his eyes shot open, having heard something by the front door. He looked down on the bed and saw Reid in the same place he left him, curled up against his side.

Their bedroom door was closed but Hotch tried to focus on the noise. _It could have just been a neighbor or the mail person putting mail through the slot—_ Hotch’s thoughts were cut off by another sound, this time closer. The sound of the wooden floor creaking outside the bedroom door.

In one fluid motion, Hotch reached over into the nightstand and pulled out his Glock, aiming it directly at the door, at the same time the door flies open.

“FBI! Don’t move!” Hotch yelled, finger on the trigger of his gun.

“Woah, man! Don’t shoot!” Morgan yelled back, quickly putting his own gun away and raising his hands.

“Morgan?” Hotch lowered his weapon. His sleep fogged brain took a moment to process the people in front of him.

Emily and Morgan stood there frozen, clearly not expecting to find Hotch and Reid in the apartment as they were doing what looked like a sweep of the place.

Hotch huffed and set the gun on the nightstand, “What the hell are you guys doing here?”

Before they could answer, Reid, who was somehow still sleeping, grabbed a hold of Hotch and pulled him back down so he could lay on his chest.

Emily chuckled at the half-naked genius sprawled on top of the BAU unit chief. A man who was just pointing a gun at them despite his bed head and morning breath. Reid heard Emily’s laugh and opened his eyes, blinking a few times. When he was sure he was actually seeing the people in front of him he said, “Uhh.. Hi?”

“Hey, kid. Comfortable?” Morgan said with a smirk and Reid looked around, taking account of the fact that he was wearing only his boxers and laying on his boyfriend’s chest.

Reid groaned and leaned off Hotch, “What the hell are you guys doing here?”

“I just asked them the same thing,” Hotch said, narrowing his gaze at the two agents.

“Really? You two don’t show up for work, don’t answer your cell phones, and then get mad at us for coming to check on you?” Morgan said.

“What are you talking about? I texted Rossi that we would be in around noon.” Hotch said as he pulled himself out of bed, glad that he had thrown on a t-shirt and gym shorts the night before, and got his cell phone off the ground. It was turned off. “Damnit.. Something must have happened when it fell off the table last night.” Hotch said, looking over at Reid.

Reid got out of bed as well, too tired to care that he was only in his boxer briefs, and walked over to the dresser where his watch was sitting. He slipped it on and checked the time, a little after 11 am. He turned around to say something to Morgan and Emily but first noticed how the two weren’t staring at his back even though he was sure that they hadn’t seen his new ‘W’ scar yet. He rarely looked at the damage on his own back, but he knew it was something that most people would stare at.

He smiled fondly at his friends before he noticed Morgan’s eyes fixed on his hip. “Uhh, Morgan?”

Morgan looked up at Reid’s face, “Kid, are those test tubes on your boxers?”

Reid heard Hotch chuckle as he looked down at his own boxer briefs, “Yeah, and beakers.”

“But why? I thought you said you were a grown man” Morgan said with a smirk, a comment back to their argument from the day before.

Reid turned back around and grabbed a t-shirt from his dresser. He threw it on before saying, “Aaron got them for me. Aren’t they cute?” Reid said with little thought. It didn’t even occur to him that asking his male best friend if he thought the underwear he was wearing was cute was odd.

Emily laughed at the shocked expression on Morgan’s face. “Well, Morgan? Don’t you think his boxers are cute?” She joked.

Morgan looked over at Hotch, who had a deep glare set on his face. “Well?” Hotch said sternly. Emily and Morgan knew he was joking but his expression didn’t read that way.

Morgan huffed, “I—Forget you, guys!” he said as he walked back into the living room, followed by Emily who continued to tease him.

“What just happened?” Reid asked as he was moving to pull a pair of pants from the closet.

Hotch just smiled, “Nothing, baby. Let’s get ready for work.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope everyone had a good holiday! Let me know what you think of this chapter! You are all so great :D
> 
> Only two more chapters left of this fic, and series! There will not be more works done in this series after this. Seems so strange to be finishing it. I had a goal to finish it before 1/1/21 but I don't know if that will happen XD


	12. In the End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of rape, self-harm, and child abuse

The rest of the day went by slowly, as did the following two days.

Despite the dead-end case, Reid was doing surprisingly well. He worked the rest of Thursday without issue. That night Reid cooked an Italian meal that even Rossi would be proud of while Hotch cleaned the house. There overtly domestic night was finished off with another joint shower.

This time Reid was more relaxed at being naked in front of Hotch, but he was no less turned on by Hotch being naked in front of him. The shower progressed as it did Tuesday night, with the two men tangled in each other’s arms before Reid led Hotch to bed and got down on his knees before him. However, this time turned into a full-blown panic attack.

Even though Hotch was watching for any signs of panic on the young man, he didn’t catch it in time. One second Reid was moaning around his boyfriend’s cock in his mouth, the next he was crying, begging, and trying to get as far away as he could.

It took ten minutes before Reid calmed down and started to apologize fiercely. Of course, Hotch wouldn’t hear it. He told Reid how he had nothing to be sorry about, that he wasn’t upset or mad at all, and this was something that might happen if they wanted to continue to explore sexual aspects of their relationship.

Reid tried to start again but Hotch turned him down, grabbing them both clothes and insisting that he rest. He cuddled the, still shaking, young man in his arms and ran his hand through his hair until he was asleep, Hotch falling asleep only minutes later.

Reid jumped awake about an hour later from a nightmare. He felt dirty, disgusting, scared, and an overwhelming need to cut. He peeled himself out of bed but before he got to the kitchen to find something sharp, he turned back around and went straight for Hotch. He needed help.

Reid started to cry as he shook Hotch’s shoulder to wake him up. He couldn’t help feeling like a child who thought they heard a monster under their bed going to wake up their parents in the middle of the night. Then again, he was never able to do that with his parents.

Once Hotch woke up, he knew the issue without Reid having to say it. He quickly scanned Reid’s visible limbs for any sign of injury before pulling him back into bed and telling him just how proud he was for waking him up. Reid sobbed roughly into Hotch’s neck, letting his emotions out instead of keeping them bottled up and cutting for the emotional release.

Soon the tears dried up and the only thing that was left was love and gentleness.

On Friday, the team all went to their respective support groups with Hotch and Reid both talking about the night before in their group.

Hotch explained how he told his boyfriend about his father, about how he used to do his own form of self-harm. Hotch also said how his boyfriend told him when he wanted to cut, and he helped him through it. Hotch’s face beamed with pride that made Reid blush.

Reid told the group how he told a friend, not boyfriend, as he wanted to have a story not too similar to Hotch’s, that he felt the need to cut and his friend worked him through it. He stole glances at Hotch as he talked about how it wasn’t his first time relying on his ‘friend’ to help him, but it was his first time waking him up for his help, and how weak it made him feel. Mark, the person Reid had spoken with after his last support group, spoke up at that, telling him that he wasn’t weak for asking for help. Reid smiled at Mark. He glad he was sure that the timid young man wasn’t the unsub.

Then again, they had no clue who the unsub was. No one found anything that helped the case in their support group. They were completely out of leads.

Hotch wanted to give the team the day off Saturday but as there was an active killer, he couldn’t. They didn’t have much they could work on for the case though and the team ended up hanging out most of the day in the conference room.

The day started with each team member grasping at straws to find anything to work on, any leads but by the end of the day, the team was simply enjoying each other’s company. With laughter and jokes filling the air. Reid’s contagious smile warming everyone’s hearts. Despite the hard case that resulted in the death of his friend and the stitched-up wound hiding beneath his long sleeve button up, the team was sure that they hadn’t seen Reid smile that much in over a month.

Before they knew it, it was Sunday, and they were getting ready for their last support group before the serial killer was most likely to strike again. They knew by tomorrow morning they would either have their unsub or another victim.

The team met up in the conference room before their support groups to brief. They all came in casual clothes and drove their own cars.

Morgan was the last one to show up, only a few minutes behind everyone else. Once he stepped into the room and looked at the rest of the team he said, “It’s weird to see everyone in everyday clothes in this room, especially Hotch.” He said with a laugh.

Hotch just glared at him while the rest of the team looked him up and down. He was wearing dark denim jeans and a gray t-shirt with ‘Gold’s Gym’ written on it in gold.

Emily laughed, “You think you could have found casual looking clothes that wasn’t something you bought at your gym.”

“Oh, he didn’t buy it. They gave it to him for free.” Reid supplied, not understanding that that just added to the joke.

Several team members laughed before Hotch cracked a hint of a smile, “You know, Emily, you have worn that shirt to work before so are you wearing casual clothes to work or work clothes as casual clothes?”

Emily was wearing a red tank top under a black, unzipped hoodie with some writing on it that Reid couldn’t figure out, but he was sure it was probably a band name.

“You are not about to get on my case about wearing casual clothes to work when _Agent_ Morgan here wears a t-shirt and jeans half the time.” Emily shot back.

Morgan crossed his arms, “Excuse you, I wear suits sometimes.”

Garcia laughed, “Playing hard and fast with the term ‘sometimes’, huh handsome?”

Morgan went to defend himself, but Rossi spoke first, “Reid, care to give us some Morgan suit stats?”

Reid didn’t miss a beat, “Last year you wore a suit an average of 3 days a month, 6 if you count dress shirts with a tie but no jacket. That would be, rounding up, 15% of the year on average or—”

“Alright, kid, alright. I give.” Morgan said pulling his hands in front of him in surrender.

Hotch smirked before pulling a case folder in front of himself and opening it, “If we are done making fun of each other’s clothing, let’s get started.”

Hotch then went on to explain how the night was going to go. Everyone was to go to their support groups as normal, but they were to report back to the BAU afterward. They were also to report anyone and anything that seemed off, including texting information about new members in meeting to Garcia.

Everyone was a suspect and anyone that looked suspicion was going to be detained and questioned. Police presence was going to be heavy but discreet. Even if they didn’t get the unsub tonight, they would at least stop another murder.

After making sure everyone understood the plan, Reid went ahead and left. While he was handling driving well, his fear made him terribly slow and needed to make sure he was there on time. Everyone else took a few more minutes in the conference room.

\--

Reid arrived early just as he had the last two times. He took account of everyone while getting a cup of coffee and a seat in the circle. He noticed Mark was already sitting in his spot as well. He greeted him and made some light small talk before Hotch joined the group.

Reid watched his boyfriend out of the corner of his eyes as he also made himself a cup of coffee and sat down across from him. Reid gave him one of his polite, frog like smiles before bringing his attention back to his own coffee.

While he hated acting like he didn’t know the older man, he was glad he was in the group with him.

Soon the leader of the group was starting the meeting. “Welcome everyone!” She said a little too happily for it being a self-harm support group. “I see some new faces and some regulars here today and I am glad you were all able to come.”

At ‘new faces’ both Hotch and Reid started to look around, making it seem like they were just trying to get a feel for the group. Reid noticed two new men and three new women. They were looking for a man, but Reid still took out his phone and texted the description of everyone to Garcia. He could see that Hotch was doing the same thing.

The leader of the group kept going, “As some of you might know, Sundays are our topic days.” The woman looked down at her clipboard before reading, “This week’s topic is firsts. In other words, first time you self-harmed or someone noticed your self-harm. If you do not self-harm then the first time you noticed you were depressed or someone else noticed, okay?”

Reid sighed, _Great.._

The meeting got started and Reid tried to put off raising his hand for a turn, but he knew he had to. After two women went, both talking about how they first self-harmed, Reid raised his hand, “I will go.”

“Oh great! Spencer, is it?” The leader asked and Reid nodded, “Good, when you are ready.”

“Hi, my name is Spencer..” Reid repeated, looking around the circle, “I—Well I have already mentioned how I started self-harming in the Wednesday meeting… With the school scissors. So, I guess that leaves the first time someone found out..” Reid fidgeted around. He did not want to have to talk about this. He just wanted to focus on finding the unsub. Then again, talking about this and being sincere about it might just save a life.

Reid took a breath and continued, “My f-father was the first one to see them. He.. uhh.. he used to assault me, you know?”

Reid looked around the room and there were a few knowing nods. “Well.. I had to lay on my stomach.. for him.. and I thought if I cut on the tops of my thighs, high up where boxers would cover, he wouldn’t see. It worked for a while but one day he had me.. service him.. while.. uhh.. naked..”

Reid stopped again, seeing that some of the support group members looked uncomfortable. He stole a glance at Hotch, who gave him a reassuring smile, before he continued, “Anyway.. he saw them then. I am not sure what I was expecting but he was not happy. He mocked me, said I was weak and stupid.. He said that I was ruining _his_ body..”

A woman sitting near Hotch made a small gasp, but Reid kept going, “I ended up cutting more after that and continued until my father left when I was ten,” Another small gasp was heard when Reid revealed how young he was during his abuse. “It calmed down after that and I ended up not telling anyone else until my first relationship when I was eighteen.. That.. that’s it.”

The leader of the group thanked him for sharing before moving on.

He looked over at Mark, as if he were searching for some sort of validation from the friendly stranger, but his face didn’t hold the same timid, hopeful smile. It was set in a deep scowl. His shoulders looked tense and his fists clenched on his lap before he suddenly relaxed again. Mark looked up and gave a small smile to Reid before fixing his eyes on his own feet.

There was something familiar about Mark’s actions that Reid just couldn’t put a finger on. He chalked it up to trauma. He probably said something that hit a little too close to home for Mark. Reid sighed, he felt bad for possibly triggering the seemingly gentle man but that came with the territory of support groups.

Reid pushed the thought out of his head as he focused on the woman that was currently speaking.

After the woman, came a man, and then Hotch.

“My name is Aaron,” Hotch started and a few members said the stereotypical ‘Hi, Aaron’ back to him, “I joined this group to try and find ways to help my boyfriend with his own self-harm, but I realized that I used to do a form of self-harm when I was a teenager. I would go to the gym and work out and punch the heavy bag until it hurt, but because I was unaware that what I was doing was self-harm, it’s hard to figure out when I first started.”

Hotch paused for a moment and reached up to straighten his tie, one of the few nervous habits Hotch had. He had forgotten that he was wearing a t-shirt, so he ended up just messing with the collar of his shirt instead.

“However, there is a time that sticks out in my mind. A moment when I thought I might have a problem..” Hotch looked up at Reid for a moment, who smiled back as Hotch did when he spoke, “I was fifteen and I was to go with my family to evening church. We went to church every Sunday evening.. This particular Sunday, however, I was given permission to go to a friend’s house before church as long as my friend’s parents dropped me off for church on time. We ended up losing track of time and I didn’t notice I was late until Mass was already over.”

Hotch took a sip of his coffee before continuing, “By the time I got home, my family had already been home for an hour. My father was getting drunk and yelling at my mom. My baby brother was crying in his nursery. It wasn’t anything too far from normal, but I was just so mad, at myself, at him. I yelled at him, almost begging him to hit me without actually saying it. When I made him mad enough, he pulled back his fist and punched me in the face. I felt.. almost vindicated. I continued to egg him on until I was bleeding from my mouth and nose and my ribs felt on fire…”

Hotch reached up to touch his nose, as if he could feel the decades-old pain, “When he was done, I had a strange mixed feeling. It the same feeling I would get after going too hard at the gym.. I didn’t understand it at the time but now I think I was looking for him to hurt me on purpose, out of.. I am not sure. Guilt maybe? Frustration?” Hotch pondered, almost to himself, “I don’t know.. Anyway, thank you.” Hotch finished. Reid couldn’t help but smile at his boyfriend before hiding his happiness over Hotch sharing something so personal away.

The leader thanked Hotch and the meeting went on. A few more people went, someone cried, nothing out of the ordinary. No one seemed to be paying too much attention to anyone who spoke. Soon the meeting dwindled to an end and everyone started to leave or chat amongst themselves.

Reid did the same thing he had done in the last two groups. He went over to the coffee station and got more coffee, keeping an eye on everyone in the room, while Hotch went ahead and left, keeping an eye on the people in the parking lot. The only difference was that this time Mark left right away. He normally came up and made small talk with Reid, but Reid didn’t dwell on it.

When most of the people cleared out of the room, Reid also took his leave. Coffee in one hand and keys in the other, he made his way to his old Volvo. He eyed the undercover FBI van first. The lights weren’t on, so they had yet to see someone that seemed like the unsub.

Reid put his messenger bag and coffee on the roof of his car before climbing in and turning on the heat. It was getting colder outside, and he was not wearing as many layers as he normally did. Before he could get his coffee and bag from the roof, he heard a tapping on the window before the passenger door opened, making Reid jump. He grabbed for his gun, forgetting he didn’t have it, but then he saw a familiar face.

“Oh, Mark. You scared me. Can I help you with something?” Reid asked but something was wrong. Mark seemed wrong. He was tense and his face looked angrier. Without saying anything, Mark climbed into the passenger seat. “Wha—” Reid started but then stopped when he saw the large knife that Mark was pulling out of his pocket.

“Shut up and drive.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When Hotch got into the BAU conference room, the rest of the team was already there. Hotch and Reid’s support group ran longer than the others that day, so it was to be expected.

“Do we have anything?” Hotch asked as he walked through the door.

Garcia looked up from her computer, “Not yet, sir. I have been running license plates, and descriptions of the new people that came to everyone’s groups tonight, I have nothing.”

“This unsub has given us nothing,” Emily said solemnly, and JJ nodded her head in agreement.

“We have the profile.” Hotch reassured them, “We are looking for a 25 to 35-year-old white male who most likely suffers from some type of personality disorder. He went through a large stressor, most likely the loss of someone in which he used to confide in. He was abused in some way and is lashing out at those who he believes are similar to him but are able to open up about their issues, when he can’t. He would not have talked about his issues in the group, but he might have pushed others to open up.”

JJ stood up and walked over to the board where Garcia and a few other agents had collected pictures and names of everyone they could who came to any of the meetings. There were a couple of hundred photos. “So, can’t we narrow it down to 25 to 35-year-old white males who didn’t speak?”

“I already did that, sugar,” Garcia said before the projector turned on and a couple of dozen photos showed up on the screen. “We still have too many options.”

Rossi studied the board, “What if we get rid of any of the men who didn’t show up today?”

Garcia hit a few keys and almost half of the men were removed, “There we go.”

“What about if we keep only the people with a criminal history?” JJ proposed but Morgan shook his head.

“We don’t have any proof that the unsub has had issues with the law before this but if he has had a history of abuse, we could look through police reports,” Morgan suggested and Garcia got to typing again.

“We want police reports where the unsub was the victim, this could be as a child or within the last few years,” Hotch added.

“Okay.. doing that now… There.” Garcia said and all but three men disappeared from the screen. “We have Terence Daniel, Nelson Hines, and Mark Mitchell.”

Hotch stepped forward and stared at the screen, “Mark was in the group with Reid and me, he came all three days and Wednesday was his first day..”

“Let’s see, Mark Mitchell.” Garcia started, “27 years old, currently unemployed, living in his mom’s old home. His mom died from a heart attack a year ago. Then he was living with a woman who.. Oh, poor baby, she committed suicide a few months ago, on a Sunday. I have two police reports when Mark was a child about reports of screaming in the house and he was even removed for 30 days. I also have a report Mark filed against his mom for, Oh.. People are so horri—”

“Baby girl..” Morgan cut off Garcia’s rant before she got started.

“Right.. Mark filed a police report against his mom for sexual assault when he was 23 but he ended up dropping the charge and then moved in with that woman, most likely his girlfriend.”

“Sounds about right,” Rossi said but Garcia looked confused.

“Reid texted me about Mark on Wednesday. He told me that he seemed to be paying extra attention to Hotch’s story but later said that he was too timid and shy to fit the profile.”

JJ furrowed her brow, “If he were timid and shy, how could he be our unsub?”

“Well, the profile does point to a personality disorder..” Emily said.

“Like he acts two different ways?” Garcia asked.

Hotch thought for a moment, “I did notice a small shift in Mark after Reid shared but I assumed he was triggered by what he shared..”

JJ looks over at Hotch, “No.. you aren’t saying what I think you are saying”

Hotch’s face looked grim but Garcia still didn’t understand the implication, “What?”

Rossi stood up from the table and looked at the photo of their unsub, “Mark might have Dissociative Identity Disorder, also called Multiple Personality Disorder.”

“Like Hankel,” Hotch added.

The room sat in silence for a moment before Morgan looked at his watch and back up at Hotch, “Hotch.. Where _is_ Reid?”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Shut up and drive,” Mark said as he climbed into the passenger seat and pulled out a large knife.

Reid couldn’t believe what was happening. There was no way that Mark could have been the unsub. “Mark.. What is going—”

“I said, shut up and drive!” Mark screamed, raising the knife and holding it to Reid’s neck.

_Fuck.. not again._ Reid thought as he shut his door and started the car. He didn’t want to do this. He wanted to just get out of the car, yell at the FBI van, someone would come out armed to help him.

He didn’t have that choice though.

With a knife pressed against his throat, he put the car in drive and pulled out of the parking lot, but not without first flashing his headlights at the FBI undercover van three times. It was a small sign, but he hoped they were watching him and picked up on it.

“Faster,” Mark said as they pulled onto the main road.

Reid sped up slightly, “Where are we going, Mark? What do you want from this?”

“I said shut the fuck up!” He screamed. Reid swore he could already feel the bite of the knife pressing into his throat.

Reid stayed quiet and drove in the direction of the BAU, taking back streets to avoid road signs that might tip Mark off to where he was heading.

It didn’t make any sense though. Besides the fact that if Mark was the unsub taking Reid in his car was a complete change of MO, the man sitting next to him was not the Mark he spoke to in the meetings. That man was sweet, gentle. This man was something else. He was tense and hostile. He was angry and violent.

Again, there was something familiar about it.

Reid was getting closer to the BAU, but he knew he couldn’t just pull into the parking lot, he needed to keep driving. He needed to talk Mark down.

“Mark—” He started but Mark wasn’t having it

“NO! Shut up!” Mark moved the knife away from Reid’s throat just long enough to slash his right forearm. Reid gasped and let go of the wheel with his right hand, fighting the urge to let go completely and hold his arm.

Mark brought the blade back up to his neck, “All you do you talk! All of you! Talk about your _issues_ and your _past_ , like anyone even gives a fuck. No one does! They never do!”

At that outburst, it hit Reid. He realized why Mark’s actions seemed so familiar.

_Tobias Hankel.. Mark has Dissociative Identity Disorder._

He cursed himself for not seeing it earlier. Mark acted similar to Tobias while whoever this new personality was, was more similar to Charles. Not the same, he hoped, but he held the same anger.

Reid tried to weigh out his options. He couldn’t keep circling the same few blocks. He could try and pull Mark back, like he did with Hankel. He forced Charles out in order to get rid of Raphael so that Raphael couldn’t murder anyone else. He spent almost a week with Hankel though. He came to learn each personality and what could trigger them.

He knew nothing about Mark.

Reid turned the corner of the block for what felt like the 5th time while Mark mumbled to himself, none of which Reid could understand other than a bitter fiery. He looked down at his bleeding arm, blood soaking through his shredded cardigan sleeve. Reid had a passing thought that he was glad he didn’t wear his mother’s cardigan as he first planned, before looking back at the road and deciding to press his luck.

“I—I am s-sorry.. I shouldn’t have t-talked about a-any of it..” Reid said, low and quiet. He purposely let his fear slip into his voice in order to sound more like how Mark did at the meetings.

“Fuck you! You knew you shouldn’t have talked about it; you were always told not to tell, and you fucking told!” Mark looked as if he was close to crying as he screamed. He was clearly having some sort of mental break.

Reid could only assume that he told someone what happened to him and it went poorly or the person he confided in left in some way. He could only guess that this angry personality was either a stem from the pain he repressed or possibly the personality of the person who left him. There was no way of knowing without more information.

“S-sorry… I—I really am.. Can I k-know your name, sir?” Reid felt vomit burn the back of his throat when he said the word sir, but the honorific was just another way he could show Mark’s secondary personality that he was more important than him and that he was in control.

Mark’s face faltered for a moment before regaining its scowl. “No!” He screeched before taking the knife and slashing it across Reid’s leg, causing Reid to scream out. Blood automatically blossomed on his jeans, but the cut did not feel as deep as his arm. The strike was most likely dulled by the denim. “I told you to shut up! Just shut up! Shut up!” Mark continued to repeat himself while screaming and moving the knife back up to Reid’s throat.

Reid was out of options.

He had no weapon, no upper hand. The only thing he could do was talk Mark down, but Mark wasn’t hearing it. He wouldn’t even tell him what he wanted.

Reid worried on his lip as he went around the block, again. The area consisted mostly of factories and businesses, all of which were closed on a Sunday night so no one would see him circle around. No one could get hurt if Mark decided to stab Reid and Reid ended up crashing the car.

At that thought, Reid got a very unsettling idea.

An idea that was his only option.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The room sat in silence for a moment before Morgan looked at his watch and back up at Hotch, “Hotch.. Where _is_ Reid?”

Hotch looked at his own watch, “He should be here by now..” Hotch said, not wasting a moment before pulling his cell phone out. Once he pulled the phone out of his pocket, it started to ring. He answered before looking at the caller ID, “Hotchner.”

The team just stared at him as they could only hear one part of the conversation. “You found _what_?... And you didn’t _follow_ him?... Damnit.. You are telling me that you watched a possible unsub go into Agent Reid’s car and you did _nothing_?” Hotch’s voice was heavy with anger. Seeping through with every word, leaving almost no professionalism in his tracks.

Once the team heard Reid’s name, they were all on high alert. JJ took out her cell phone and called Reid, unbeknownst to her that Reid’s phone was in his messenger bag, which was now laying on the ground of the support group’s parking lot.

JJ got Reid’s voicemail right as Hotch was hanging up his call.

Morgan was the first one to ask, “What happened?”

“The agent from the FBI van watched Mark get into Reid’s car and then Reid drove away. The agent said he didn’t think anything of it until he saw Reid flash his headlights three times..” Hotch explained and Morgan slammed his fist down on the table.

“He just watched?!” He yelled in frustration but Hotch tried to keep a calm demeanor despite the fact that his boyfriend was kidnapped, _again._

“This is a complete deviation from his MO,” Rossi stated, “The unsub only did blitz attacks until now.”

“He might be devolving,” Emily added but the rest of the team could care less. They just wanted to find Reid.

“Can’t we track his phone?” Morgan asked.

“Already ahead of you, pumpkin. It looks like his phone is still in the parking lot.” Garcia said before starting to type again.

“The agent said his bag was still on top of the car when he pulled off.” Hotch filled in.

Before he could continue, Garcia hollered, “I got him!”

Hotch leaned over to see her screen, “What? How?”

“Oh.. uhh, he didn’t want me to tell you, but I think this calls for it. He had me add a tracker to his watch just in case he was kidnapped again.”

Hotch smirked, _that genius._ “Where is he?”

Garcia looked down at her screen, “That’s weird.. He seemed to be circling around these few blocks, but he suddenly stopped..”

“Address, Garcia!” Hotch said sternly as worry was taking over.

“Two blocks away, corner of E Street and 11th,” Garcia said and the team left without another word.

They quickly jumped into SUVs, Hotch and Morgan in one. Rossi, JJ, and Emily in another. Morgan was known for his speeding and close calls with driving, but nothing compared to how fast and terrifying Hotch’s driving was when Reid was in danger. Morgan was gripping the roof handle and swearing under his breath, but he never told him to slow down.

As they turned on to the road where Reid’s tracker showed he had stopped, the world stood still. Hotch could see smoke before he could even see the car.

Then he saw it.

Reid’s car was unmistakably crashed into the side of a brick wall.

Hotch’s heart sunk, he couldn’t see any movement coming from the car. His mind was racing, and he could feel tears pricking at the corners of his eyes as he put the car in park and jumped out.

Once Hotch approached the wreckage, he saw Reid climb of the smoking car. “Oh my God, Spencer..” Hotch said as he reached out and grabbed a whole of Reid, pulling him in for a hug. He didn’t want to let him go but he reluctantly pulled away to look him over. Blood saturated his right arm and leg, and there was some blood on his forehead, most likely from hitting his head on impact. “Are you okay?” Hotch said, trying to get a better look at his arm.

“I—I had too.. I… There was no other option… I had to crash the car. I—I had to crash… He—” Reid said in a panic and Hotch tried to calm him down.

“Spencer, baby. Look at me.”

“I c-couldn’t.. There was n-nothing I could do. He had the knife and.. and..”

“Shhh.. Baby, you did everything right.” Hotch tried again but Reid kept going.

“I killed him… I crashed and killed him, I—”

This time Morgan cut him off, “Kid, Rossi checked. He is still alive. An ambulance should be here in a few minutes, okay?”

“Good..” Reid sighed out, finally looking up at Morgan, and then at Hotch. His tunnel vision started to clear as he stared into his boyfriend’s eyes. “Aaron..” Reid almost whispered before wrapping his arms around Hotch, kissing him deeply then resting his head on his shoulder.

Hotch held him tightly in return. He never wanted to let the young man go again. Hotch ran his hand up and down Reid’s back, soothing him. “It will be okay.” Hotch said and Reid echoed it back.

“It will be okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here we are! This is the last real chapter of this fic. The next will be the epilogue. 
> 
> Let me know what you think! Thank you all soo much!
> 
> I will be replying to comments and checking grammar in the morning, I am too tired for it tonight :D


	13. Final Masquerade (Epilogue)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last chapter! I hope you all like it!

“There,” Hotch said as he put away the last of the items out of the moving boxes for the kitchen.

It had been almost six months since the support group killer case. While the case had left Reid understandably shaken, he recovered well. He hit his head on impact but there was no lasting damage and his arm and leg needed stitches, but they were clean cuts and healed well. His fear of driving was impacted but he was comforted by the fact that he didn’t kill Mark in the crash.

He had confided in Hotch that when he looked over and saw Mark, all bloody and still from the crash, he thought about how that must have been what Stephen looked like. He was relieved that Mark made a full recovery and had actually visited him several times over the past few months to make sure he was receiving proper care through his incarceration and trial.

Despite the terrifying crash, Spencer tried to get back behind the wheel as soon as possible. He opted for getting his car repaired over getting a new one, stating that if he could speed into a brick wall and come out with only a bump on the head, it was a reliable car in his book. With Emily’s help, he started driving again right away. He was still scared but he was getting there.

“So how are you two liking the place?” Morgan asked as he watched Hotch put up the dishes. He came over to help unpack boxes while Reid was out for a few hours, but he ended up just sitting around, claiming he didn’t know where the couple wanted any of their things.

A month after the support group killer case, the lease on Reid’s apartment was coming to an end. While Hotch said they should just renew it, Reid didn’t want to. That apartment was Reid’s, and while Hotch moved in, Reid was the one who picked it and he was the only one on the lease. He didn’t want that anymore. He wanted a place that they picked together.

Reid wanted a house with Hotch. Something that was theirs, that was stable.

Hotch couldn’t agree more.

They switched to a month-by-month lease until they found the right place, which seemed hopeless until Morgan offered to help. He was in the middle of restoring a place that they thought was perfect. Large master bedroom, ensuite bathroom with a soaking tub for two, two offices, a library, a guest room, big backyard, and was within walking distance of a gym, and several bookstores and coffee shops.

“We are loving it, we still can’t thank you enough, Morgan,” Hotch said, giving Morgan one of his rare smiles.

“I was just surprised you two were looking at buying a house together, I mean that is a big step.”

“Not big enough,” Hotch said as he reached into his jean pocket and pulled out a small black box, setting it on the kitchen counter.

“I like you man, but not that much.” Morgan joked, not understanding the implications of the ring box.

Hotch smirked, “Don’t worry, Morgan. _You_ aren’t the one I want to marry.”

“Wait, really?” Morgan said as he pulled the box over to him and opened it up. Inside there was a delicate white gold band with a single low profile amethyst stone in the middle. It was both masculine and feminine but completely Spencer.

Hotch nodded, “I have never been more serious.”

“Wow.. But purple?” Morgan asked, still looking at the ring.

“It’s amethyst.”

“Amethyst? Why not just get a diamond ring? Stop being cheap, Hotchner.” Morgan joked.

“I am not cheap.” Hotch shot back, “Spencer just doesn’t care for diamonds. The last time the topic of diamonds came up, he told me all about blood diamonds and how diamonds are only important because of modern social norms. He even called them ‘lucky carbon atoms’.”

Morgan chuckled. That sounded just like his best friend, “Yeah, okay but why amethyst?”

Hotch took the ring back and held it up to look at the purple stone, “First, it’s purple and that is his favorite color. Second, amethyst is a natural tranquilizer. It relieves stress and strain, soothes irritability, balances mood swings, dispels anger, rage, fear, and anxiety. Alleviates sadness and grief, and dissolves negativity. It’s even said to strengthen relationships and give its wearer courage. It’s fitting.”

Morgan nodded, “Yeah, that does fit Reid, but do you actually believe it can do all that?”

Hotch shrugged, “I don’t know, but Spencer will know the meaning behind the stone, and he will love the thought… and the hours I put in reading about different stones.”

“The same reading that would take him like ten minutes,” Morgan said with a laugh as Hotch put the ring box back in his pocket. “Wait,” Morgan started as he realized that Hotch was carrying the ring on him, “Do you plan on proposing tonight?”

Hotch nodded, “I wanted to wait and do something special, but nothing seemed big enough. And..” Hotch shifted slightly. While he had gotten closer with Morgan lately, he was still uncomfortable talking about his feelings in front of anyone. “I just can’t wait anymore; I want him to be my husband already.”

Morgan grinned, “Well, man. For what it’s worth, I approve. Reid couldn’t have found a better person for him.”

“Well, I am glad you said that because that was another reason why I asked you over.”

“Wait—”

“You have got to stop saying that” Hotch cut in but Morgan kept going. 

“Did you invite me over to ask _me_ for his hand in marriage?” Morgan said, shocked.

Hotch moved back over to the kitchen shelves and started to put away some items that were left on the counter, “Yes and no. I was going to ask for your approval but not his hand. He is his own person and can’t be given away. I just know your opinion means a lot to him. I know normally I would ask his father but.. you know.”

Morgan tensed up at the thought of Reid’s father, a man that Hotch killed personally. Morgan was the closest male family figure Reid had in his life. While he had gotten closer to Rossi over the past few months, Reid still kept some distance between the two. Morgan didn’t know if it was out of fear about being around the older man or if he was worried Rossi would up and leave him like Gideon did.

“Did you ask Gideon?” Morgan asked at the thought.

Hotch huffed, “I did actually. A few months ago, but I personally find his opinion worthless, so I wanted to ask you instead. I only asked him because I know Reid still thinks of him as a father figure and still writes him often.”

“So, I take it he said no.”

Hotch shook his head, “No, he said yes. He had only good things to say.. I just don’t care about his opinion. I know Spencer has forgiven him, but Spencer is a sweetheart and can be overly forgiving. He can’t just walk out of Spencer’s life at one of the most difficult times and still be in my good grace."

Before Morgan could say anything back, they heard the garage door opening. “I think we said the kid’s name too many times.”

Hotch laughed and looked at his watch, “No, he is just on time.”

Reid had taken over as the co-leader of the Male Sexual Assault Victims Support Group he was a member of before his friend and former leader, Tom, was murdered. He hosted the meeting three days a week, case permitting. When he was not there to host, the other co-leader would host.

At first, he wasn’t sure if he was strong enough to host the group. He still hated talking about what happened to him and, while they had majorly improved, he was still plagued by nightmares and flashbacks. He waited for someone else to start the group back up, but no one did. Being that there were no other local sexual assault groups for men in the area, he decided it was more important for the group to be there then it was how well he was at running it.

They listened to the sounds in the garage before they heard a dog running straight for the kitchen. The German Shepard quickly found Hotch and jumped up on him, begging for pets.

“Hey Beo,” Hotch said as he leaned down to pet the dog.

Reid stepped in the kitchen, setting down his bag on the table, before doing a sharp whistle, commanding the dog over. The dog ran over to Reid and sat in front of him. “It’s Beo _woof_.” Reid corrects with a smile as he kneeled down to take the dog’s service animal vest off.

The large German Shepard was another new addition to Hotch and Reid’s life’s that happened over the past six months. Garcia had gotten word that the academy was given a dog that failed every service qualification he was given. He failed his K-9 qualifications for being too sweet, his drug detection qualification for ignoring the drug odor and finding an old hotdog in the trash instead, and his guide dog qualification because all he wanted to do was cuddle.

The dog was given to the FBI academy, but they weren’t sure what to even do with him. Garcia, however, knew exactly what the dog was meant to do. She employed the team, minus Reid, to help pay for the dog and emotional support dog training. Rossi ended up covering most of the bill.

The dog passed his emotional support dog training with flying colors and was given to Reid the next day.

When Reid was given the dog, he wanted to argue, say that he didn’t need an emotional support dog, but he bonded with the dog immediately. The dog was fully qualified to go on cases with Reid and the team, but he decided to keep him at a dog sitter’s most of the time they were away. He only took the dog when he was really not doing well, which was happening less and less.

The dog helped him through panic attacks and flashbacks, woke him from nightmares, distracted him when he felt the need to cut, and even woke Hotch when he couldn’t calm Reid down. The dog was a huge help to Reid’s recovery.

“To me, it’s just Beo.” Hotch said, returning the smile.

“Beowoof is such a weird name, kid.” Morgan said from his spot at the kitchen counter.

Reid walked over and gave Hotch a chaste kiss hello before turning to Morgan, “It’s not weird. It’s a pun. You know, Beowulf, Beowoof. It’s funny.” Reid laughed to himself, but Morgan shook his head.

“Yeah, I still don’t get it.”

“Beowulf, the hero of the Geats from the Old English epic poem. I had Garcia send you a link to where you could read it online in modern English.” Reid said as if knowing the poem was common knowledge.

“Uhh.. Yeah.. I will have to check on that,” Morgan fought a laugh. “Hotch, man. Why did you let him name the dog that?”

“It’s his dog, he can name it what he wants. I did talk him out of naming him Chewbarka though.” Hotch smirked and Reid gave him a playful nudge.

“Hey! Chewbarka is a great name!” Reid yelled and Beowoof barked as if he agreed, “See! He likes it.”

“That dog doesn’t understand what you just said, he just didn’t like that you raised your voice.” Morgan shot back.

“No, Beowoof understands what we say. I am even teaching him German.” Reid said as he went back over to his dog to pet him.

Hotch laughed but Morgan just looked confused, “German? Why would you teach a dog German?”

“Because he is a _German_ Shepard.” Reid deadpanned.

At that, Morgan jumped out of his chair, “Well, looks like it’s time for me to leave.” Morgan walked over to Reid and ruffled his chin-length hair, grateful at the fact that Reid was okay with Morgan doing that again, “See you, Pretty Boy.” Morgan said before looking over at Hotch and shooting him a knowing look, “Have a good night.”

Both men said bye to Morgan before Reid moved back to the kitchen area and sniffed at the air, “Are you cooking? It smells good in here.”

Hotch rarely cooked but it was a big night, so he wanted to make something special. In this case, special meant baked spaghetti. It was Reid’s favorite meal.

The young man had once told him that it was one of the only things his mom would make. While she rarely cooked, she made an amazing baked spaghetti. After Hotch saw the light in Reid’s eyes thinking about his mother’s dish, he tried to cook it and Reid loved it just the same.

“I am, baked spaghetti,” Hotch answered Reid, cracking the oven open to check on his meal.

Reid’s eyes lit up, “Wow, really?” Hotch nodded. “Did you know that baked pasta dishes started back in the Middle Ages? Baked pasta, or pasta al forno, was adopted all over Italy. It was—” Reid went on about the meal and Hotch couldn’t help the smile painted on his face.

He loved hearing him rant on about things. He loved seeing Reid get excited and animated about things again. He loved Reid.

\--

Dinner was eaten and enjoyed. It was romantic, with Hotch having put on music, dimmed the lights, and started the fireplace.

Soon they were in the living room curled up together while staring at the fire.

It was simple and perfect.

Hotch was not normally a nervous man. He could come toe to toe with some of the worse society had to offer and not even blink but this, proposing to Reid, seemed like a monumental task. He ran his hand over his pants pocket a few times trying to find the courage to pull the box out and get down on one knee, but it escaped him.

Suddenly Reid spoke up, pulling Hotch from his thoughts. “You know I love you, right?”

Hotch looked down at Reid, who was pushed up into his side, “I know, I love you too, baby.”

Reid waited a moment, looking at Hotch, and then down at Hotch’s leg. “And that I always want to be with you.” He added on.

Hotch furrowed his brow. He didn’t understand what Reid was getting at, then it hit him. _He knows._ Hotch hid a laugh, _Of course he knows. He is one of the best profilers in the FBI._ “You know?”

“I know.”

 _What am I supposed to do now?_ “Well.. uhh.. what do you say?” Hotch said, cursing himself for.. whatever the hell that just was.

Reid sat up and kissed Hotch’s cheek. “You haven’t asked me anything yet.”

Hotch took a deep breath and got down on the floor in front of Reid on one knee. “Spencer Walter Reid, I have loved you for longer than I can remember. I loved you before we were dating, before we moved into together, before I knew you liked men, or that I did. I didn’t know what love really was before you. I would give anything to see you smile. I would kill for you, die for you. When we are apart, I feel like part of me is missing.”

Hotch stopped for a moment to look into Reid’s hazel eyes. They were already cloudy with tears.

“I have never been happier than I am with you and I never want that to change.” Hotch reached into his pocket and pulled out the small black ring box, opening it up and holding it out. “I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Will you marry me?”

Tears were now running down Reid’s cheeks. He might have known this was coming but he had no idea he would feel so overwhelmed with emotion. “Aaron Michael Hotchner, I am not sure if I believe in fate but.. Everything in my life has brought me to this moment, to be here with you. If I had to, I would do all of it over again just so I can spend the rest of my days with you.” Reid got down on the floor in front of Hotch, “Yes. Yes, I will marry you.”

The two crashed together, hugging each other tight and sharing a love-fueled kiss. When they pulled away, Reid put his hands on either side of Hotch’s face, rubbing his thumbs over tear tracks before leaning back and holding his left hand out.

Hotch pulled the ring from the box and easily slipped it on to Reid’s finger. He looked at it fondly. “Amethyst. Known to relieve stress, anxiety, sadness, and grief and is said to strengthen relationships. I love it. I love you.”

“I love you too, Spencer.”

Reid leaned in and kissed Hotch softly, but the soft didn’t last as their arms tangled over each other’s bodies and they started making out, still on the floor.

After a few minutes, Reid broke the kiss. “Aaron.. I want you.”

“You have me.”

Reid chuckled into a kiss, “I know that.. I _want_ you.”

“Oh.” Fell out of Hotch’s mouth as he realized what Reid was talking about. _Sex._

Over the past six months the couple had yet to go all the way. They often explored their sexual sides with Reid getting comfortable being touched and touching someone else in that way and Hotch getting comfortable being with a man.

Sometimes their activities would end in tears and panic attacks, others went well with ruined sheets and confessions of love.

Reid never showed interest in going further than fingers and tongues and Hotch wasn’t going to push him. He just wanted Reid to be comfortable with whatever they did, even if that meant they would never have penetrative sex. 

Hotch had even offered to bottom, hoping it might make Reid more comfortable, but it didn’t feel right to either man. Reid tried to finger Hotch, but he was unable to relax and the feeling felt more foreign than enjoyable for him. Reid, however, could cum from being fingered alone. He enjoyed it adamantly. His trauma just got in the way.

“Baby.. I know it’s a big night, but we don’t ha—” Hotch started but Reid cut him off.

“I know we don’t have to. I _want_ to.” Reid leaned closer, running his lips by Hotch’s ear before whispering, “Please.. I want you _in_ me.” Hotch had to bite his lip to suppress a moan.

Reid had never had consensual penetrative sex before and was technically still a virgin, not that Hotch cared either way, but he knew it was something that bothered Reid.

No matter how many times Reid would say how virginity was a societal construct and how it had no merit to a person’s value or purity, he would always seem a bit put off. Reid hated the fact that his physical virginity was taken from him and because of that he was too scared to share his conceptual virginity with someone else.

Before Hotch could say something about not being sure Reid was ready, Reid backed up and looked Hotch square in the eye, “Love, I want to at least try. I want to be as close as possible with you.” Reid’s voice was even and he sounded confident, which made Hotch smile.

“Okay, baby.” He said and they both headed up the stairs, hand in hand, with Reid wiggling his ring finger against Hotch’s finger and enjoying the new feeling of his engagement ring.

Once they entered the bedroom the two start, gentle and loving. Hotch nudged Reid against the wall, softly rubbing their bodies together and kissing slowly but as it always does, it starts to pick up. Love mixing with need.

Hotch, with silent permission, pulled Reid’s shirt off and ran his hands all over his nude torso, running his fingers over his pink nipples, earning the smallest moans from the young man. He loved the feeling of Reid’s skin. He was pale and delicate, lanky and petite. Hotch loved every inch of him.

Reid turned them around and walk them towards the bed, not breaking his kiss with Hotch until Hotch’s legs hit the back of the bed and he was nudged to a sit. “I will be right back,” Reid said before he headed to the bathroom to freshen up.

Hotch caught sight of Reid’s back as he left and smiled, it was beautiful.

Reid had decided that he didn’t want his father’s ‘W’ mark on him anymore and sought out the help of a dermatologist to get it removed. Unfortunately, due to the depth of the wound, the scar would most likely still be visible after laser scar removal. The doctor then gave him the name of a tattoo artist that specialized in tattooing over scars.

Reid hated the idea at first. He was never a fan of tattoos but after giving it some thought, he changed his mind. He knew just what he wanted to cover his scar and kept it a secret from Hotch until it was finished.

A golden sunrise shining around breathtaking mountain peaks.

It was amazing. The scar was completely covered up by the colorful mountains and the sunrise added depth and beauty. It spoke of hope and recovery but Hotch knew the true meaning. Him.

When Reid first told Hotch that he loved him, he told him the meaning of his name, light-bringer. Mountain of strength. The tattoo was a symbol of his love for Hotch, a dedication that brought the stoic man to tears when he first saw it.

Encircling the tattoo were the whip scars from Hankel, which remained untouched. Reid asked Hotch if he wanted any of his scars removed, if they bothered him. Hotch, of course, said no. He loved Reid, scars and all. The other scars weren’t like the claiming scar he got from his father, and they didn’t bother Reid anymore, so he left them.

A few minutes later Reid came out of the bathroom looking a lot less confident than he did when he went in. His nerves were getting to him and he suddenly felt unsure. Not unsure of wanting to be with Hotch, just insure if he could go all the way.

Reid had no idea how this was going to go, but it didn’t matter. He was still the happiest man on Earth for being engaged to Aaron Hotchner and any amount of closeness he could have with him was enough.

Hotch was laying on the bed when Reid came out. He sat up and held his hand out, “Come here, baby.”

Soon the two were tangled in the sheets, slowly stripping off items of clothing off the other man. Their lips and tongues telling tales of love as they connected time and time again. The sheets were kicked off the bed as even the smallest amount of fabric separating them became too much. 

They were both painfully hard, rutting against each other. It was familiar, comfortable. They had done this before.

After a few minutes, and after Hotch had thoroughly sucked marks into what felt like every inch of Reid’s neck, Reid broke away to grab the lube from the side table.

Hotch wordlessly took it and spread some on his fingers, lacing his hand between Reid’s open thighs. He gently rubbed it on Reid’s hole, holding his eye contact with the young man. “Keep your eyes on me, baby, and remember we can stop at any time. Is this okay?” Hotch asked as he always did before he did anything with Reid. He needed to know that Reid consented and that that consent could be taken back anytime.

Reid nodded his head, “Y-yes..”

At that, Hotch pushed one finger in Reid, pulling a lewd moan from him. One soon became two, and then three as Hotch leaned over Reid’s body, and kissed him deeply through it.

He wanted to tell Reid how well he was doing, how hot he looked but they quickly learned that any amount of dirty talk, even praise, was a large trigger for him. Hotch once made the mistake of telling Reid that he was doing good while he was giving Hotch a blowjob. It led to a horrible panic attack and flashback. Hotch had to call JJ over to calm him down as Hotch’s male presence was triggering him further.

Hotch continued to finger Reid, carefully avoiding Reid’s prostate as he knew he needed a lot of prep but he didn’t want him to be too oversensitive. When there was no more resistance and Reid had fully relaxed he broke their kissing and looked at Hotch, “I’m ready, I want you.” Reid said as he ran his hand over his painfully hard cock.

“Mmm, okay baby. Hold on.” Hotch pulled his fingers out, causing Reid to whimper, before he leaned over Reid to get to the nightstand and pulled out a condom.

As he ripped the package open with his teeth, he noticed Reid making a sour face. “What’s wrong?”

“N-nothing..” Reid said, looking away.

“Spencer..” Hotch said, causing Reid to look over. Despite being completely naked, with a raging hard-on, he was still giving Reid one of his famous glares. “You need to be honest with me, please.”

Reid looked at the condom in Hotch’s hand, “I just.. I don’t want to use that..”

Hotch looked down at the condom as well, “Did I grab the wrong one?” Hotch asked, not understanding what Reid meant.

“No.. I don’t want to use any of them.”

“Oh..” Hotch said but he was still confused, “But baby.. You are the one that bought them. I just assumed you wanted me to wear one.”

Reid shook his head, “I got them for you.. cause I thought you would want to wear one with _me_..”

The meaning of what Reid said was not lost on Hotch. Reid assumed Hotch would want to wear a condom because of him. Because of what he had been through, as if Reid was somehow dirty or used.

Hotch set the condom down and leaned closer to Reid. “Listen to me, Spencer.. I love you and in no way do I think I need to use a condom with you because of any of that. We are exclusive and we both tested clean. I will gladly wear it if you want but personally, I would rather not as well. I want to be as close to you as I can.”

Reid smiled brightly, “I love you too.. Thank you.” He said, feeling better about the situation. Reid grabbed the bottle of lube and put some on his hand before rubbing it generously on Hotch’s cock.

Hotch moaned out, he was not expecting that, but he enjoyed it, nonetheless. He moved back to between Reid’s spread legs and lined himself up. “Are you still okay with this?” Hotch asked.

Reid tried to push his hips towards Hotch to hurry him along. “Yes, Aaron. _Please.._ ”

“Okay,” Hotch said with a smirk. “Just remember that it might hurt at first but keep your eyes on me. We can stop at any time, okay?”

Reid gave a desperate nod and pushed his hips towards him again.

Hotch started to push in slowly and Reid groaned out, “Nnn.. Ahhh!” as he squeezed his eyes closed once Hotch’s cock breached him.

Hotch froze, “Spencer, baby. It’s just me, I need you to look at me. Look at me, please.”

Reid opened his eyes right away and looked up at Hotch. “I—I.. Sorry. It’s o-okay.. I’m s-sorry..” Reid said but his voice was uneasy, and his hands were shaking.

Hotch pulled back out of Reid. “Baby.. It’s alright. Let’s stop.” He said calmly, moving off of him to lay back down next to him.

Reid sat up and rested his hands on Hotch’s chest, “No.. no, I don’t want to stop.. I just… I don’t w-want it like that.. I think.”

“Like that?”

“Yeah.. I mean.. With you over top of me. Maybe I could..” Reid looked away and blushed, “R-ride you..”

 _Fuck.._ “Wow.. umm, if that is how you want to try it, baby. I just don’t want you to push yourself. We don’t have to continue.”

“I know, love. You have made that clear.” Reid smiled, “I _want_ to have sex with my fiancé though.” Reid said, lifting his hand up to look at his ring again.

“Mmm, fiancé. I like the sound of that.” Hotch said and the two melted into each other again. Reid climbed up on Hotch’s lap, grinding lightly as they made out again.

He could feel Hotch hard against his ass and wanted to feel him so much closer. “I—I don’t really know what to do.. I mean, theoretically..”

“Shhh, it’s okay..” Hotch hushed Reid before a rant could start. “Just lean up a little and I will help.” Reid did just that and Hotch reached around to grab the base of his cock, lining it up again. “Just go down slowly, take your time.”

Reid placed his hands on Hotch’s chest and slowly lowered himself. This time he groaned out, but it was not out of fear, “Ahh, _Aaron.._ ”

Hotch bit his lip and willed himself not to move but instead let Reid take control of the speed.

Reid lowered himself at a painstakingly slow speed, letting himself adjust as much as possible so it wouldn’t be painful. To his surprise, it was not nearly as painful as he thought it would be. Hotch had taken his time with him, opening him up so it didn’t really hurt at all. Instead, all he felt was pleasure.

Once he was all the way down, he ground his hips against Hotch, who let out a moan, which seemed to egg Reid on. He moved experimentally, trying to get a feel for what he liked and listening out for what Hotch liked.

After a few minutes, he found a rhythm he was most comfortable with. “Ohh.. fuck. Is.. is this okay?” Reid asked Hotch, who was _loving_ watching his beautiful fiancé comfortable and confident above him.

“Yes, sweetheart.” Hotch wasn’t sure if he could complement him so instead he said, “I love you so much.”

That seemed to be the correct response as Reid wrapped his arms around Hotch, stroking his hands over every inch of his back he could reach. He leaned into the solid muscles of his broad chest. It felt as if he couldn’t get close enough to him as he was encompassed by Hotch and the love he had for him.

Hotch moved his hands around Reid’s waist. His soft, silky skin, the small curve of his waist, the way he arched his back to get even closer to him. Hotch had never had sex like this. He knew that this was what people were talking about when they said there was a difference between having sex and making love. They were making love.

Reid felt on fire. The touch of Hotch’s hands were so hot on his bare skin they sent sparks of heat straight to Reid’s groin, but he needed more. He arched his back again, applying more pressure on his cock that was trapped between their bodies, creating the sweetest friction and hitting the best most sensitive spot inside of himself.

He wanted to speed up as the need to cum was coiling tighter in his abdomen. He was still going at an incredibly slow pace that he knew had to be driving Hotch crazy as well, but he wanted to treasure every second of what was happening. Commit it to his eidetic memory to think about the love and amazing feelings that sex could bring whenever he thought of the horrors of it.

Only a few more minutes passed, and Reid couldn’t hold off anymore. Hotch’s hands on his body, the gentle loving words he spoke, the pure pleasure he felt vibrating through his core, he needed to cum. More importantly, he wanted Hotch to cum inside of him.

The very thought should terrify him, but this was different. Everything about this was different. This wasn’t rough or forced. There was no pain or blood.

It was tender, compassionate, romantic, and full of love.

Reid started to fuck himself on Hotch a little faster, “Aar.. Aaron… I—Touch me, please.. Reid moaned out, breathlessly.

Hotch licked his hand and slipped it between their bodies, pumping his cock the best he could given the fact that Reid was still pressed up against his chest.

“Oh… Oh my God… Please, c-cum in me.. I want to feel all of you.”

Hotch’s eyes went wide. He was planning on pulling out, he assumed that is what Reid would want, “Are you—”

Reid didn’t even let Hotch finish, “ _Please.._ ” He moaned loudly.

He didn’t have to be told again, “Fuck.. I—I am going to cum, baby.” Hotch moaned out and Reid picked up his speed. Hotch caught Reid’s lips with his own and was cumming deep inside his love only seconds later.

Reid didn’t stop, and neither did Hotch’s hand. Flooded with the new warm, wet feeling inside him, it took less than a minute for Reid to cum all over Hotch’s hand.

Reid gave himself a minute before lifting himself off Hotch’s softening cock and laying beside him on the bed. “W-wow…” Reid said, still mostly out of breath.

Hotch turned to Reid and tucked a sweat-damp piece of hair behind Reid’s ear. “You can say that again,” Hotch said with a warm smile.

“I love you, Aaron.”

“I love you too, Spencer.”

The two gazed fondly at each other. Reid wanted to cry, he knew he was staring at his future and he didn’t think it was possible for his future to look any brighter.

Spencer still cringed when someone said the word ‘sir’.

He still struggled with wanting to self-harm.

He still could only drive familiar areas at slow speeds.

Not all traumas can be healed and not all triggers can be removed.

But he has his friends, his family, his dog, his career, and now his fiancé. 

He was trying.

Spencer Reid was going to be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUYSSS WE DID IT! IT'S DONNEEEE 🎈
> 
> With a total of almost 225k words and almost a year after it started, this series is now finished!  
> I will also add that part one, Revelations Revealed, hit 1000 kudos today and that is just amazing. 
> 
> I love you all so much, there are so many of you that left comments often that really kept me writing. I am being cheesy but this series meant so much to me. It was my first fanfic and a fair amount was self inserted and helped me work through my own issues in the form of Spencer Reid. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think about this last chapter, I hope you all enjoy it! 
> 
> Make sure to check out my other works if you haven't already, I will be starting a new fic in Feb and I hope to see you there :D :D :D

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: <https://tobias-hankel.tumblr.com/>
> 
> Email: damn.tobias.hankel@gmail.com


End file.
